Zoomer's Noob Magic Crystal Shop was a Port Royal based shopping mall that specializes in selling enchanted rocks that control the wills of the weak. In cooperation with The Noob Academy and Learning Center, it managed to greatly propel the Caribbean's knowledge on the somewhat common human subspecies, noobs. Since the mysterious disappearance of all pirates in early autumn of 1743, the shop has been out of order and is now a tourist attraction.

During its years as a business, the shop's enchanted stones were divided into categories, from least to most powerful - Shards, Stones, Gems, and Crystals. They cost 1, 2, 3, and 4 gold, respectively.

Its menu right before its sudden closing was:

Rocks: Shards

Lureshard: Sends Noobs away, imprinting in their weak mind that someone very far away is giving out 500000 Gold.

Mineshard: Sends noobs to your own custom noob testing lab. If location of lab is not specified, they will be sent to the academy's public lab.

Mindshard: After you say something, the noob will always reply. Good to research their communication skills.

Feelshard: Allows you to dominate a noob's feelings. Good for researching emotional suppression capabilities.

Rageshard: Causes an unstoppable rage in the target noob, causing them to attack you relentlessly. Rarely risky, and a great method of testing noob fighting skills.

Rocks: Stones

Possestone: Gives user complete control over the target noob's feelings, thinking patterns, and actions. A great way to place yourself in a noob's shoes, giving you the opportunity to interact with their noob friends.

Starvestone: Causes the target noob to become extremely hunger, leaving them vulnerable to tricks such as cardboard chicken wings and a meal at the academy.

Rocks: Gems

Bladegem: Causes the target noob's most prized blade to become yours. Great method to observe the feelings and actions of a noob who's most powerful common cutlass has been robbed.

Failgem: Causes the noob to believe they are the most powerful pirate in the history of piracy. This will promptly make them take on Foulberto Smasho in a duel, which will then cause extreme caps lock overloads.

Rocks: Crystals

Leave Crystal: Teleport back to your own personal academy research quarters and document your findings.

Rabbit Crystal: Makes the target noob jump continously. Gives you a good laugh, but may destroy the noob's reputation, causing caps lock overloads.

Ifrit Crystal: Makes noobs constantly yell "I HAVE FIRE POWERS!!!" to anyone/anything they see right after teleporting them to the shores of Tortuga on the abassa seas.

Golden Crystal: Show off your personal belongings to the noob, promptly causing them to change from noob to respectable adventurer when they realize just how big the Caribbean is. Quite a thing to watch, and it may bring a tear to your eye.

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.