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All articles by editor in chief Finn Hamm.
March 11th 2016
Hopeful TLOPO Players Panic as Richard Cannonwalker Announces Plans to Go Full First Order On Everyone's Ass
THE BLACK WARRIOR - The TLOPO "community" was shocked today when former scurvy-ridden Pirate King Richard "Pirate Nazi" Cannonwalker expressed his interest in playing TLOPO, should the project succeed. "I am going to take revenge on every single shitlord who wronged me back in '10," explained the notorious high seas criminal in a drunken Kylo Ren-esque speech. "We're going to finish what the Brethren Court started, that I can tell you. And we're going to do it right this time. We're going to put powdered wigs out of fashion faster than you can say 'I just joined... politics to a whole new level.. tee hee!! lol.'" The remainder of the speech was primarily unintelligible slander involving the sexuality of John Breasly, reports say.
Immediately following the conclusion of Cannonwalker's speech, Lord Andrew Mallace, Chief Generic Important Guy of the East India Trading company, responded to his apparent genocidal threats. "We're very shocked and disappointed by this turn of events," Mallace claims. "Mr. Cannonwalker has, up until this point, maintained a very pacifist stance on foreign policy that made it laughably easy for us to walk all over him. Now that the Brethren Court has adopted a much more aggressive philosophy, we can't guarantee the safety of the Pirate King and everyone he loves."
Tipu Sultan Jarot Decksteel of Some Place in India was also quick to respond. "मैं एक बड़े पैमाने पर उपकरण हूं," was all he said, which, in English, roughly translates to "Richard Cannonwalker? That guy's an asshole. I remember I sent him a camel as a gesture of good will once and he sent it back with a bleached anus. Seriously, the whole thing was bleached. I mean, come on. How did he even get bleach? That shit won't be invented for at least, like, 300 years." Cannonwalker has expressed his interest in invading India as "the first strike in a long-term, coordinated effort to absolutely trash the British Empire and everything it stands for."
March 12, 2016
IUCN: TLOPO Critics Officially Classified as Endangered Species
DEVIL'S ANVIL - Six hours ago in an official press conference, the International Union for the Conservation of Nature declared the TLOPO Critic an endangered species. "To our knowledge, only one critic of The Legend of Pirates Online remains," said IUCN chairman Nults McFuckface. "Any remaining members of the species have either been silenced or eradicated. This can have very serious effects on the community as a whole. With less critics to keep the devs in check, there's no telling what unspeakable atrocities they will commit next."
A TLOPOnion correspondent visited the Kingshead Conservatory, where the last of the TLOPO Critcs is being held in captivity. Sitting in the fetal position constantly rocking back and forth, the specimen, dubbed "Davy Gunfish," is heavily sedated, but still somehow finds the strength to openly ravage TLOPO. "It's trash, all of it," the feral creature raves. "They don't even have combat. The main feature of the game and they don't even have it. Like, they actually spent time and energy to add in their shitty potions and repair minigames, but they didn't bother to touch combat. It's a fucking landwalker and these shitheads are already trying to recruit for their guilds. Why it's even out yet is beyond me. This isn't an alpha, it's a crime against humanity."
After being shot by several highly trained containment specialists with sleep darts, the rabid TLOPO Critic finally fell asleep. "It's very sad, really," says IUCN researcher and former Shins vocalist, James Mercer. "These critics are shedding light on very valid points, but their inability to be heard has driven the last of them insane. He'll likely have to be put down."
March 31, 2016
Richard Cannonwalker's Name Left off Tortuga Pirate King Primary Due to Error, Report Says
Self-described "Democratic Anarchist," candidate Richard Cannonwalker's name was reportedly left off the ballots for the Tortuga Pirate King Primary. The 9th Brethren Court, which isn't being planned at the moment and whose existence is complete hearsay, has been holding primaries for the Pirate King across several islands in the past few weeks, and many long-time Cannonwalker voters were shocked at this latest revelation.
Last Saturday, three islands held primaries for Pirate King: Isla Cangrejos, Port Royal, and Cuba, all of which Cannonwalker won in a landslide against his opponent, female candidate Ned Edgewalker. Edgewalker was accused of voter fraud in the Kingshead primary, in which her husband was reportedly seen campaigning for her within 100 feet of ballot boxes. Angered protesters were seen chanting "Feel the Richard," outside of voting locations. Secretary Edgewalker assures her constituents that "the superdelegates know what's best for the Brethren Court."
The next primary, Padres Del Fuego, is worth the most delegates yet. Polling numbers seem to overwhelmingly favor Secretary Edgewalker.
April 9th, 2016
BREAKING: Rogue Pirate Ned Edgewalker Arrives at Warsaw
SHIPWRECK COVE, FUCK KNOWS WHERE - Ned Edgewalker announced on April 6th that he would officially be abdicating his position as toilet scrubber for the Brethren Court in pursuit of his own interests, prompting much controversy. "With a heavy heart, I officially annunciate I will be stepping down from my position within the Court to begin my own inevitable path to humiliation elsewhere." Edgewalker was promptly chased out of Shipwreck Cove by the ravenous Richard Cannonwalker and Finn Hamm, who were both seen shouting various expletives involving obscure latin phrases and references to space operas.
However, Edgewalker shocked the world once more today when evidence came to surface he would be pledging his allegiance to the "Jesus-Hating-Jews" Empire of Poland as opposed to starting his own guild to compete with the Brethren. He was reported arriving at Warsaw earlier this morning in a ridiculous wig and a regal military outfit, though he had curiously not trimmed his scraggly beard.
Outraged, Pirate King Cannonwalker officially branded Edgewalker a rogue pirate and traitor to the Brethren cause. On the popular social media platform, Twittarr, the hashtag #WhichNed surfaced, and quickly shot up to the #1 trending topic, attaining a grand total of seven tweets. Edgewalker has refused to comment on this latest development.
May 4th, 2016
International Community in Upset as Bloodthirsty Insurgents Sack Warsaw
WARSAW, POLAND - Shock gripped the international "community," today when a sizeable horde of ravenous insurgents marched on Warsaw, intending to destroy the Polish government by murdering Król i Wielki Książę August III (otherwise known as "President Goldman") and then systematically eliminating the rest of his advisors.
"Goldman has done literally nothing for Poland," insurgent leader Ned Edgewalker explained in an interview shortly after the heated assault. Edgewalker, known for his fantastic history as a mouth-breathing flip flopper, is no stranger to planning coups. This was reportedly the tenth atttempt at usurping Goldman, and Edgewalker has been responsible for many of the recent implements. "Ideally, the leader of a nation should be the model citizen, but Goldman doesn't take his job remotely seriously. All he does is expose himself to traffic every Saturday afternoon. It's kind of fun to watch but also very disconcerting."
Multiple sources report the rebellion was heavily financed by Pirate Lord Finn Hamm, a longtime critic of President Goldman. Hamm refused to comment on his involvement with the Polish insurgency, but was reported as mumbling mostly unintelligible anti-semitic rhetoric from his quarters aboard his flagship, the Machtspiel.
To the dismay of the violent insurrectionists, President Goldman was nowhere to be found in Warsaw. Unconfirmed reports claim the President was seen fleeing to his British allies in the west; many theorize the British government has granted him temporary asylum and will likely help the dishonored President reclaim his throne in Warsaw.
July 17th, 2016
"Stardinia Wars Episode IV: A New Pope" Review
Brought to you by E-TLOPONION
From visionary director Giovanni Lucas comes the next exciting chapter of Stardinia Wars. In an alternate, absolutely fucked up, balls-to-the-wall universe where the Ottoman Empire is ruled by pirates and all diplomatic activity takes place on a poorly coded website that only has rules from 9am to 6pm, our hero, Luke Skytimbers, may prove to be Stardinia's last hope in a fruitless war against tyranny.
The galaxy is in the midst of a civil war. Spies for the Stardinian rebel alliance have stolen plans to the British Empire's Debt Star, a heavily armed blog post capable of destroying roleplay careers. Rebel leader Princess Hannah has the plans, but her ship is captured by British forces under the command of the evil Chief Generic Important Guy Lord Andrew Mallace. Before she is captured, Hannah hides the plans in a top secret PM with her stunning husband Cadet; the pm is stored in the harddrive of the openly gay sexbot R-P30.
RP is captured by wayward fishermen, who sell them to potion brewers Esmerelda and Fabio and their nephew, Luke Skytimbers. While cleaning RP, Luke accidentally triggers part of Hannah's message, in which she requests help from Leonsoft Botch. The next morning, Luke finds RP searching for Leonsoft, and meets Leonhard, an old hermit who lives in the hills and reveals himself to be Leonsoft. Leonsoft tells Luke of his days as a disgusting degenerate, former Stardinia peacekeepers with supernatural powers derived from an energy called the Farce who were all but wiped out by the Empire. Contrary to his uncle's statements, Luke learns that his father fought alongside Leonsoft as a degenerate. Leonsoft tells Luke that Mallace was his former pupil who turned to the dank side of the Farce and killed Luke's father, Jack Sparrah. Leonsoft offers Luke his father's broadsword, a total noob's weapon.
The rest of the story follows Leon and Luke's quest to save Hannah and deliver RP to the rebels in order to destroy the Debt Star before her roleplay career is destroyed. Though well directed, the script seems straight out of a child's fantasy, and all the acting is very disingenuine, with many odd, immersion breaking moments in which the characters take bubble baths or take smoke breaks.
I was also very confused by some of the characters' intentions. One character, Grand Moff Edgewalker, didn't seem quite sure whose side he was on. The constant intrusions by smelly pirates into affairs apparently too complicated for them to grasp was also very odd. My own theory is that the real overall villain is the unseen pirate king, who drives the entire conflict in a bid to gain control of Stardinia himself. Pope Clemente, whose name is referenced in the title of the movie, hardly ever actually shows up, and when he does, everyone just laughs him off the stage and reports him to the proper authorities.
Overall, I give A New Pope a 5/10.
December 21st, 2016
Local British Fleet Blockades Haiti, Forgets Where Sea Ends and Land Begins
TORTUGA, HA - As tensions between the revenant Brethren Court and British Empire continue to mount, the population of Tortuga was astounded today as an imperial fleet commenced a blockade on the coastal pirate haven. As word reached Shipwreck Cove and a counterattack was launched by Finn Hamm on the orders of King Cannonwalker, however, the situation resolved itself, as the flagship of the British blockade fleet was apparently commanded by a captain "fresh out of the academy."
As Captain McMullin of the HMS Surprise, a first-rate War Galleon, frantically swerved to miss the land that "came out of nowhere," his vessel slammed into the beach, killing dozens instantly. The ship was then reportedly boarded (with hardship) by a joint pirate force coordinated by Lords Zoomer and Bosch of the Court. As most of the crew on board had already suffered major blunt-force trauma, the counterattack was a gleaming success.
Meanwhile, Captain Finn Hamm and his crew bravely led the naval charge against the imperialist blockade. As they fired their first retaliatory broadside, however, it quickly became apparent that the epic miscalculation by Captain McMullin had sent the entire British fleet into some sort of trance-like shock, preventing them from firing back or even noticing the attacking pirates. Instead, British warships simply cruised in circles until the Shadow Song was able to shoot them all down, occassionally accelerating to breakneck speeds and avoiding deadly broadsides.
After the conclusion of the blockade and decisive British defeat, King Richard Cannonwalker of the Brethren Court touched down on Tortuga to survey the damage. "I will never forget the sight of the HMS Surprise wedged into the beach," Cannonwalker was quoted as saying. "It's something that has deeply affected me as an individual. My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of Tortuga."
December 22nd, 2016 (1/2)
Plucky Band of Pirates Steal Plans to the British Empire's Mysterious New Superweapon
DRIFTWOOD IV - "This is piracy, isn't it? I pirate," said the wide-eyed Hannah Bluefeather as she convinced her skeptical pirate allies to commence a daring operation to steal the plans to the British Empire's top-secret new weapon, the Debt Star. Following reports that a "major weapons test" was imminent on the Andaba server, the rum-swilling Brethren Court rushed to the scene, hoping to glean a sense of what the Empire was planning.
From a safe distance, a collection of the Brethren's finest, namely the Lords Bluefeather, Cannonwalker, and Sea Slasher, witnessed a terrifying demonstration of the so-called Debt Star's destructive power. As the weapon fired, several dozen players were immediately met with the dreaded "tlopo.exe has stopped working" message and subsequently booted out of the game.
Back in Shipwreck Cove, Bluefeather and her fellows who had experienced the weapons test desperately tried to convince the remainder of the Pirate Lords to intervene and attempt to steal the plans to the not yet fully-operational Debt Star so they may find a weakness and exploit it.
"If the Empire has this kind of power, what chance do we have?" a cynical Finn Hamm asked, doubting such a heist would be feasible.
"We have hope," Bluefeather offered in return. "Multinational crime syndicates are built on hope!"
With unanimous support from the Pirate Lords, a small team of pirates successfully recovered the plans to the Debt Star.
Meanwhile, in the bowels of Kingshead, a congregation of the British Empire's greatest military minds convened to discuss the growing pirate threat. Richard Venables expressed concern that until the Debt Star was fully operational, the Empire's activities in the Caribbean were vulnerable, citing the Brethren Court was well-equipped and more dangerous than his fellows realized.
"Dangerous to your expeditionary fleet, commander," Joseph Grey was quoted as saying. "Not to this battle station."
Grey was then reportedly violated by Chief Generic Important Guy Andrew Mallace for his "lack of faith in the Farce" for several seconds before being asked to stop by Johnny Goldtimbers.
December 22nd, 2016 (2/2)
Area Undead Brigand "Too Cool" To Serve in Jolly Roger's Army
LAS PULGAS, PF - Local looters were stunned today as, after dispatching a group of skeletons, one Undead Brigand boldly proclaimed he was "too cool" to serve in Jolly Roger's army, much less expend his energy fighting pirates searching for famed weapons.
"I guess you could say I'm kind of a big deal," the former circus performer stated as he absentmindedly flipped his rusty dagger up into the air and caught it with minimal effort in a tremendous display of hand-eye coordination. "You've got to understand there are heroes on both sides of the conflict. I have a lot of respect for Jolly Roger, but, who am I to judge which of these pirates are worth killing and which aren't? That's like, part of the problem, man."
Meanwhile, General Darkhart expressed great concern over the rising threat of lethargy within the undead army. "We are already pressed for numbers," the skeleton commander remarked in an interview. "We're literally running out of dead people to revive, and now we've got brigands and gravediggers peacefully abstaining from conflict. Something must change."
The undead brigand in question was reportedly slain by a small cadre of pirates several hours later after passively observing that his knife-flipping skills were "pretty neat." Looted from his body were seven gold pieces and a pair of sack shorts.
December 23rd, 2016
Cuba Man Forgets How to Hold Musket, Eats Level 19 Giant Crab Whole
CRIAMI, CUBA - Onlookers fled in terror this morning as a rabid Cuba man emerged from the bushes and attacked a giant crab near the beach. Attempting to fire his musket, the man was taken aback when he remembered he had impaled the elongated barrel of his firearm with a large knife, causing the weapon's mechanisms to malfunction spectacularly.
As the chamber of the gun exploded, the Cuba man fled back into the wilderness to reasses his strategy. Several hours later, a local homeless man claiming to be the offender's friend approached him with his sword drawn, asking him to come home. The man aimed his broken weapon at his friend before realizing once more that it was a futile gesture.
Feigning a return to his senses, the Cuba man emerged from the bushes and started to walk towards the beach with his friend. On their way to the dinghy, however, the man burst into a frenzy and rushed toward the aforementioned crab again, this time successfully wrangling it by the claws and slowly tearing it to shreds with his man-hands. The level 19 Giant Crab was then, according to onlookers, devoured whole by the Cuba man as his friend desperately tried to shake him back to reality.
Foaming at the mouth, the man was dragged by his comrade to the dinghy and the two sailed off towards Shipwreck Cove. Both of the men have yet to be identified by the authorities.
Above: Cuba Man Aims His Broken Musket at Armed Local Homeless Man
December 24th, 2016
Tortuga Man Enacts Plan to "Drain the Swamp"
TORTUGA, HA - "It's hard, when you're up to your armpits in alligators, to remember that you came here to drain the swamp," quoth local pirate Captain Drumpf as he fended off a horde of level 4 Swamp Alligators in the outskirts of the pirate haven. Drumpf and his crew of ex-EITC executives and Navy generals, who have gained much attention lately for their questioning of current Pirate King Cannonwalker's status as a natural-born Tortuga citizen, have received public scrutiny once again for their new plan to drain the Tortuga swamp.
"It is frankly sad that the swamp alligators have been allowed to stomp around in our beloved swamps for so long, terrorizing innocent pirates as they please for years now," Captain Drumpf was quoted as saying at a large rally before other long-time Tortugans, including pirates seeking shelter from the authorities and a small collection of Undead Mutineers and Navy Cadets.
"You walk outside your shack, you get eaten. Alligator crime levels are at their highest since the 1690s. The only solution, now, is to DRAIN. THE. SWAMP," Drumpf continued. Later that afternoon, Drumpf's crew were seen collecting water from the swamp one bucket at a time whilst others kept watch from the hungry Swamp Alligators that lurked in the darkness.
Meanwhile, environmentalists, including cursed pirate Hillarry Clinton, demand that Captain Drumpf cease his swamp draining operation for fear that other bog-dwelling creatures, including flytraps and scorpions, who share their habitat with the alligators, may be adversely affected.
"Alligator rights are human rights," Clinton said as her octopus tentacles quivered in frustration. Responding to critics, Drumpf retorted that similar swamp-draining schemes have proven effective elsewhere, notably in the Pantano River in nearby Cuba. When asked to give her two cents on the issue, swamp-draining opponent Tia Dalma had this to say:
"Ah, but dem alligatas Drumpf be drainin' be nothin' but a drop in de ocean."
December 31st, 2016
England Raises Army of Undead to Aid in War
LAS PADRES, PF - Early reports indicated that a British invasion (and not the fun kind) was underway on New Years' Eve, the latest attempt by the Crown to stamp out alleged pirate havens within the Caribbean. What was striking about this attack, however, was that the Royal Navy had reportedly used this occassion to demonstrate the might of their newest brigade: the Undead.
"Two can play at this game," Prime Minister Johnny Goldtimbers was quoted as saying as he performed an occult ritual to raise the dead and command them to attack Los Padres. "Our conventional soldiers in the Royal Navy weren't quite cutting it, so we decided to take a page from our partner - I mean, sworn enemy, Jolly Roger, and begin to inflate our numbers by conjuring up the dead."
Hundreds of freshly revived corpses dawning delapidated top hats and melancholy monocles stormed the beach of Padres del Fuego, their overwhelming numbers easily dispatching the mortal pirates defending the shore. Pirate commander Finn Hamm initially thought his men would have the numbers to fend off the undead attackers, but within an hour it was clear they were severely lacking in manpower.
Los Padres was overrun this afternoon. Reports say Hamm and some of his allies escaped Padres to lick their wounds and prepare a counterattack. Hamm expressed his wishes in finding some way to prevent future invasions by the new undead threat.
January 5th, 2017
Pirate King Cannonwalker Gives 12-Hour Filibuster in Opposition of Proposed Grog Care Repeal
PORT ROYAL, JA - TLOPO players everywhere watched in stupor as Richard Cannonwalker, noted democratic-anarchist Pirate King of the Brethren Court, delivered a historically long filibuster before the Dev Team, which has of late threatened to "repeal and replace" Grog Care, a system implemented to protect Basic Access players and those below Level 50 from the Groggy effec, which handicaps at-risk pirates after defeat in battle.
"The Groggy effect is a constant reminder to the disadvantaged that, if you are Basic Access or not of Mastered level, you will be subject to punishments the wealthy and otherwise fortunate are not," Cannonwalker was quoted as saying approximately three hours into his speech. "The levels of health and voodoo disparity between the Basic and Unlimited is already at historically high levels, and this unfair disadvantage only further propagates this gap. This has got to change."
Much to the amusement of those present, the Pirate King began his filibuster by carrying in a large poster depicting a post from the TLOPO Dev Team last year from the popular social media website, Twittarr. "We were the first and only POTCO emulator to state there will be no cuts to grog insurance for Basic Access players," the tweet said. "POR copied us."
The seemingly contradictory tweet in question was responsible for bringing many players to TLOPO during its pre-beta days, promising to mitigate a controversial feature that many players regarded as a stain on the vanilla game. When reports surfaced that funds for Grog Care were being cut and that the program may be removed altogether, many players were outraged, feeling cheated that the Dev Team had seemingly gone back on their word.
Cannonwalker concluded his filibuster by asking the Dev Team (or as he called them, the "Powers-That-Be") to remember that their playerbase will always be comprised mostly of free players, and that acting against their best interest could jeopardize their already dwindling traffic. Before the Dev Team could commence a formal vote on the Grog Care issue, a surprise test fire from the Debt Star interrupted the meeting, prompting a reschedule to next week.
January 9th, 2017
World-Renowned Double Agent Rosa Buquet Unveils the Rose Beckett University of Espionage
KINGSHEAD - Anxious youngsters sent application letters to Kingshead by the galleon today as the highly-anticipated University of Espionage, conspicuously flying a full union jack, was finally opened for admission. After her daring and oft-recounted mission to spy on the Brethren Court in service of basically any European imperial power that came to her first was shared with the world, many have quietly wondered if the world-renowned double agent Rosa Buquet had any plans to share her "invaluable" knowledge with the next generation of ambitious spies.
As it happened, 1750 was the year Beckett finally put the rumors and gossip to rest and unveiled her university. TLOPOnion investigatorsreported that admission costs were quite expensive, ranging from 201,000 gold for disadvantaged Basic Access players and upwards of 500,000 for Unlimited players.
"We feel the price of admission is worth the knowledge our sweet Ariana will gain during her stay at the Rose Beckett University of Espionage," one excited parent was quoted as saying.
"You'll be able to pay this off, right, Daddy?" wide-eyed Ariana asked in response before stepping into the black gates of Kingshead. The father offered no response. Meanwhile, at an official press release for the grand opening of the University, one reporter asked regarding Beckett's prior exploits:
"What exactly did you uncover during your time undercover as a pirate, Headmistress?"
"I learned a lot while in the Brethren. Mainly, I was able to grant Britain the treasured knowledge that not only are the pirates banding together to stand against the imperial powers, but that they've done it 9 times now. I suspect that's how they got the name 9th Brethren Court."
Despite a smashing opening day of the University, however, the school has already attained some controversy. The Kingshead Dept. of Education has reportedly been floating around the idea of a suit against Buquet, claiming the Headmistress violated island law by using the word "university" when in fact "the Rosa Buquet University of Espionage was not actually chartered as one and did not have the required license to offer live instruction or training."
Rosa Buquet had this to say regarding the allegations:
"Rosa Buquet University is a small business and student evaluations have been overwhelmingly positive. Lawsuits are a routine part of business and I win most of them anyway."
March 19th, 2017
REPORT: British Parliament Meeting Went Basically As Expected
LONDON, ENGLAND - Early reports indicate that the March Parliament meeting was mostly "business as usual," as Chief Generic Important Guy Mallace put it. Within the searing hot parliament building, politicians stroked their horns and sharpened their pitchforks as they discussed several matters of state, including whether or not young upstart Mr. Diablo's recent campaign into Vietnam should be officially recognized.
Members of the Conservatives Against Women organization argued against the abortion of Vietnam, citing that such a procedure would unfairly rob the young "nation" of its "God"-given right to grow up and become a productive member of society. Elsewhere, lobbyists representing the Poopoo Action Committee argued against Mr. Diablo's claims, claiming that he had not honored his promise that one quarter of the souls harvested in Vietnam would be donated to the London Reserve.
Several alarmingly high-ranking Lords of the Brethren Court were also present at the meeting, occasionally interjecting with coin flip and glare emotes; at press time, the Speaker was debating whether or not he should address the fact that a number of rum-swilling pirates were in attendance or just let it be, since no one else seemed to care except for the Prime Minister, whose sage words were mostly ignored anyhow.
At the end of the proceedings, parliament members ultimately unanimously voted against Mr. Diablo's claims, with many concerned that he wasn't trustworthy - a bold statement coming from the parliament members, as many silently thought but neglected to say out loud for fear of being booted from the meeting. As a result, Diablo was escorted to the pits of Room 101, where he is to serve his sentence of enduring his own personal Hell for 1,000 consecutive years; in this case, learning to deal with the repurcussions of his actions.
March 21st, 2017
BREAKING: SPAIN CANCELS PRIME MINISTER ELECTION; HOLDS VOTE FOR NEW QUEEN
MADRID, SPAIN - Chaos erupted in Spain today as a raucous cacophony of shouting and petty insults erupted from the capital building in Madrid. What began as a simple 4-way debate concerning the election of the new Prime Minister of the country quickly and descended into, absurdly (yet not unexpectedly), a truly terrifying spectacle that made the Parliament meeting look like tea with Marie Antoinette.
The debate began with a simple question regarding Spain's defense budget. Mr. Not-O'malley responded first, arguing that the nation should expand its military tenfold to protect from any outside threats; the other candidates immediately took the opportunity to begin the night's round of playground bullying, with one of the debaters (unidentified as of press time) temporarily leaving his podium to give Not-O'malley a legendary wedgie.
As the shamed debater exited the arena to tend to his inflamed buttocks, several foreign diplomats arrived in Madrid, with their initial intentions being to "both observe the debate and offer critical response questions for the candidates." This is not what happened. Several of the newcomers, including British apartheid adviser-in-chief Blake Stewart, an ambiguously Hispanic man, and the current sitting Pope attempted to enter the debate as candidates for Spanish Prime Minister; the Queen bizarrely obliged.
The topic of the debate gradually shifted from scholarly-yet-heated discussion of issues threatening Spain to the question of whether or not PM applications were technically closed or not. As debate moderator Sean Hannity desperately attemped to quell the riot, candidate Lawrence Ironhawk furiously refuted claims of his campaign's collusion with the fictitious Brethren Court; shortly thereafter, a hearty gang of pirates entered the building demanding that their questions regarding candidates' loyalties to completely sovereign nations such as the Ottoman Empire and the Netherlands. As these questions were ignored, one pirate demanded the Prime Minister election be cancelled in favor of a vote for new Queen of Spain due to Rosa Buquet's incompetence; at press time, the sitting Queen had admitted several dozen new entrants into the race.
Spain has now entered a state of virtual anarchy as the exiled Queen has fled to safety at the Rosa Buquet University of Espionage for shelter. Early exit polls indicate that female candidate Nults McKagan has a solid lead in the Spanish Queen election of 1750.
May 22nd, 2017
Scuffle on Port Royal Docks Interrupted by Debt Star Test Fire
PORT ROYAL, JA - "Give us the Wass, wipe away the debt," a sword-wielding Finn Hamm, Keeper of the Code and Otto Man said alongside his armed comrades Lawrence Ironhawk and Richard Cannonwalker, all high ranking members of the fictitious organization, the Brethren Court. As stunned onlooker Bart Gunshot observed the scene in terror, the three pirates confronted the hapless James Goldtimbers, a British official with a title so contrived and obscure that not even TLOPOnion correspondents could identify it.
However, the EITC's command of sorcerous voodoo powers was stronger than the pirates had anticipated. Several more members of the British Empire, most by the name of Pirate and/or Seadog, arrived at the scene out of thin air, demanding the eradication of the pirates. It wasn't long before Prime Minister Goldtimbers, Joseph Grey, Sven Daggersteel, and several other high ranking British officials with suspiciously piratey names appeared to contest the pirate threat.
The pirates held their ground, assuring all present that Bart Gunshot was not to be harmed, as his safety was guaranteed by the right of Parlay, as dictated by the Pirate Code. The villainous trio demanded the release of an individual named Wass, even as world-class sellout Davy Locksilver, winner of the silver medal in the Flip Flop Olympics, arrived at the scene demanding their surrender.
After several minutes passed, the intense glare line of middle aged men devolved into outright chaos, with individuals wildly firing their novelty Nerf guns into the crowd and clashing balloon swords. The belligerents, shouting obscenities through gritted teeth, all had strangely appreciative grimaces upon their faces, as if the violent confrontation were some kind of return to form.
However, the powers-that-be had other plans for the confrontation.
"Target single reactor ignition," Chief Generic Important Guy Mallace ordered from command deck of the Debt Star. "You may fire when ready." Almost immediately, the sounds of war came to an abrupt halt; the devastating superweapon, the Debt Star, had completed another test fire.
"Your work exceeds all expectations," CGIG Mallace said, turning to an obfuscated figure in a dark corner of the room after observing his work. "I will telling King Breasly that I'll be taking control of this weapon, effective immediately."
The dark figure emerged from the shadows, scoffing. "We stand here amidst MY achievement, NOT YOURS!" Wass bellowed, defending his creation.
"You think they were acting alone?" Mallace questioned. "They were dispatched from the installation on Raven's Cove - JDP'S facility!"
Once the flames of the superweapon died down, the docks of Port Royal slowly repopulated, with the fruitless conflict resuming and the vicious cycle beginning again.
June 3rd, 2017
Time-Traveling Redcoats Assert British Claim Over 33 Miles of Sand
ST. MARTIN, HA - The international roleplay "community" was shocked today when news broke of the arrival of several redcoats claiming to be from the distant year of 1755. The entire Haitian nation fell into disarray as the small cadre of British soldiers, bearing bayonets, proclaimed all those present to be property of the King of England (in absentia) and that dissenters would be arrested.
Debate as to how to interpret the development began almost immediately. The British Parliament, unsurprisingly, declared its support for the purported time-travelers, taking a hardline stance that "historical" precedent always came first (in this case, they considered future events to, paradoxically, be counted as part of "history," thereby opening up a pandora's box of black holes that would henceforth rip apart the fabric of time and space).
Conversely, the fictitious Brethren Court and affiliate nations decried the claims of the time-travelers, citing that the men could barely answer a set of basic questions about the future:
INTERVIEWER: Please talk about the roleplay climate of 1755.
TIME-TRAVELER: Quite similar to the current one, actually.
I: Really? Please explain.
TT: Twenty-two were fought over Ceylon and several players were banned from TLOPO over a conflict involving Crimea.
I: And what were the circumstances involving that?
TT: Let's just say that the term "Black Sea" takes on an entirely different connotation a few years from now.
I: Can you talk about St. Martin?
TT: Certainly. Several British bankers arrived on the island and set up a bank, and after that everyone just sort of accepted that the island belonged to the Empire.
TT: It just felt like British land.
The community is still processing the development. Whatever the outcome, this certainly sets a dangerous precedent for future time-travelers meddling in global politics.
September 5th, 2017
Tortuga Governor: Very Fine People on "Both Sides" of Pirate Raid
BOWDASH MANSION, TO - The island of Tortuga is divided this week as just last Saturday a routine pirate pillaging turned to violence. Pirate raiders amassed on the beach outside King's Arm and were quickly met with staunch opposition by counter-protestors called "Antipa" by locals. Antipa demonstrators, mostly donning feathered tricornes and other curious taco-shaped hats, reportedly took up arms against the pirates, and one bystander was killed after being trampled by a horse-drawn carriage, apparently hijacked by a pirate several minutes prior.
Shortly thereafter, Tortuga Governor Andrew Bowdash made polarizing comments on the subject which have been met with widespread scrutiny in the TLOPO "community." Bowdash was quoted as saying, "the people of Tortuga... are grieving for this tremendous loss of life. So tragic." When asked by a Caribbean News Network correspondent if he would condemn the actions of pirate extremists, Bowdash had this to say:
"What about Antipa? They charged in there with their rusty sabres and flintlock pistols and basically opened fire on the crowd - they were basically just as at fault as the so-called pirates!" His response immediately raised many questions regarding the nature of the organization Antipa itself. After being pressured to elaborate on his comments, Bowdash later said "there were some very fine people on both sides."
When approached by a TLOPOnion correspondent if he had anything further to add, Governor Bowdash was mostly uninterested, and spent the rest of the press conference decrying the falsehoods of the "very biased" Caribbean News Network.