14 October 2012
Pootisism is a religion founded on 14 October 2012 by Nults McKagan and David McMartin centered around the belief that Heavy is the creator of the universe.
Origin Of Pootisism
Two friends, Nults McKagan and David McMartin, were once searching for enlightenment. They fasted in an attempt to spare the planet's resources and preserve life in hope that they'd be given knowledge for their consideration, they meditated in hopes of obtaining ultimate knowledge, but none of their methods worked. One night in their dreams, they were visited by The Great Sandvich, who told them to travel into the desert. The Sandvich promised them that if they fufilled this task, that they'd be given ultimate knowledge. The next morning, the two packed up supplies without hesitation and traveled into the desert. After many days and nights, the two were running low on strength and supplies. Just as the end seemed inevitable, they were visited by Heavy. Heavy told the two that to be enlightened, they must create a new religion; one that is more accurate than the ones currently existing. Heavy gave them the rules and ideas to create this religion. Thus, Pootisism was born.
The Five Great Decorums
- No god shall be worshipped before Heavy.
- At least one dispenser must be built and sacrificed to Heavy every six months. If you are hoping to reach Dalokoh faster, building an extra dispenser would be helpful.
- Every October, a month-long holiday will be held where worshippers will feast on Sandviches, Dalokohs Bars, and Fishcakes in a sitting lasting from 4:00 PM to 6:30 PM.
- Every Saturday at precisely 10:00 AM, worshippers shall attend a religious gathering at the Ushanka that shall last for approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes.
- To achieve Dalokoh, one must spread the word of Pootisism for their entire life.
If you're a faithful worshipper of Pootisism and do everything in your power to keep Heavy happy, you will be given the option of either reincarnating yourself into the next available human or living in a paradise (though you can exit the paradise and reincarnate at any time).
If you're bad and do not worship Pootisism properly or not at all, you will cease to exist entirely.
- Dalokoh: A perfect and ultimate understanding of the universe; enlightenment.
- Tomislav: A religious leader in Pootisism.
- Dispenser: A machine that dispenses scrap metal for whoever is near it to use.
- Pootis: The indescribable force that Heavy uses to keep the universe balanced.
Followers Of Pootisism
(HERETICS SHALL BE SHUNNED.)