Jeremiah Garland is, or was selected as the Featured Article of the Week!

Yes! After a long wait, the Boyz Night Out Restaurant, newly renamed "The Mallace Pallace," is finally open! Management includes the boyz from BNO, except Hooky cuz he's leaving. The restaurant is perfect for any boyz night out, and features foods from all over the sticky world! It is located in Tahiti, which we conquered after a fierce battle against Marc Cannonshot.

The Restaurant!


The erect bar! No sitting allowed!

The restaurant itself is divided into two parts: the place where people sit and eat food, and the erect bar. It is called the erect bar because everybody has to stand (be erect) the whole time, and there are no seats. The kitchen is in the back, which also doubles as Prince Boogie's bedroom on Wednesdays and Thursdays (we have to clean out the fountain then). All of our meats are never frozen, except for all of them. Endless bread baskets, starting at $9.99! Fridays are special because all kids eat for half off, except for the ones of lesser races, which we burn in the kitchen. Sundays are church days, so we have a church theme in the restaurant: no clothes! Saturdays are epic because the BNO Restaurant's house band, Dirty Mall and the Boyz, play. Tuesdays are open sex days! All genders allowed! Except for girls (unless they are slaves).


Dishes marked in bold print are chef favorites!

  • Kazakh soup - Made from cow nipple
  • Looters salad - You know you want to try it ;)
  • The Instant Flippity Flop - Jim's head in chicken breast form
  • Crow Brulee - Classic dessert prepared by head chief Macmorgan; crow meat and burnt sugar
  • Guam Time! - Fries from Guam! We conquered Guam!
  • Asian burger - Asian burger
  • Crib Nachos - Classic nachos! Made with real cheese, and sort-of real tortilla chips
  • Garlic's Garlic - Chef Garland's rendition on garlic cloves (do not order this)
  • Cambodian Happy Pizza - Special pizza that'll make you feel good!
  • Gay Coleslaw - The happiest of coleslaws
  • Mallace's Driedl Chowder - Specially prepared with only some driedl in it
  • Heart of Spermwhale - With side of fruit cup
  • Funky Sauce - Nobody knows where this mysterious sauce came from, except the chef.
  • Chicken Pot Pie - Made with real pot
  • Shrimp - We didn't lick them
  • LINguini - Brought to you by the LIN! You get to make it yourself at home, for $18.99
  • Blademorgan's Fried Brains - he asked me to add this one
  • Awwwwhwhhwhwhhwwww YEAH! Gyro - named for the noise you make after taking your first bite
  • Hairy Hotdog - So fresh, porker hairs can still be found on it!
  • Uncomfortable crabs - The crabs were uncomfortable when they died
  • Bacon - Made from the freshest of Indians
  • Tattoo remover - For all those times you just wish you hadn't gotten it
  • Naughty sushi - Sushi bar manned by John Breasly, the Japanese expert
  • Drowned albino - His family died too
  • The Breasle Supreme - Fried sloth nipples mixed in with breast-milk (not human) ice cream and glazed in a warm sauce
  • Dirty Stew a la Mallace - Specially prepared cow simmered to a light and creamy stew; mixed with a delicate touch of salted nipple butter and a pinch of erect Catholic sauce
  • Jeremiah's Surprising Delight - Meet Chef Jeremiah in the bathroom for this treat!
  • Macmorgan's Organs - Various broiled external organs harvested from wild African pups, salamanders, and aardvarks in a light white powder (the white powder is really cocaine)
  • Hotpocket - Nasty meat stuffed into a bread, thrown in the toilet, put in the microwave until scorching hot (but frozen in the middle) and then dipped in grease made from... yup, you guessed it: more sloth nipples
  • Puerto Rican Jewish Fiesta Sauce: This one is exotic! The taste of the Hebrew culture meets the Mexicana Latin-American fling! Jalapeno peppers and kosher matza balls mixed into one bowl, and then lit on fire by rival gang members. Do not eat if operating machinery
  • Expired Lunchables: We've got mountains of them
  • Cow Wang - Made from real cows, with real wangs! Bred in southern Asia, brought to us by Dutch dwarves.
  • Blasting Buthotfucta - Ishamel's relatives chopped into a spicy-as-hell soup, with a complementary Indo-Afghani-Catholic salad for $5.00 more.
  • Indo-Afghani-Catholic Salad - We found it after Chef Breasly searched Ishamel's bedroom. It had some mold on it, but we easily cleaned it off with more mold and studied the ingredients for years.
  • Fish Scales - Fish, cleaned clean of scales. You can't actually buy the fish, but it's scales are a delicacy among cannibals.
  • Wallaby Anus - We had to go all the way to Australia to get this one. A real delicacy; market price starting at $79.99. Best if served with gay coleslaw and cow wang.
  • Block Salad - Harvested from the great and mystical land of Minecraftia, this chef specialty features chunks of brick, with a light sprinkle of either glowstone dust or fermented spider eyes - your choice!
  • Mein Kampf - An Austrian dish, prepared by Chef Breasly. Consists of blood, various metals, broken paint-brushes, and minor doses of cyanide.
  • Hooky Filet - This delicious beef filet is named in honour of BNO founder Davy Hookwrecker. We can only cook this rare, due to the bounty put on our heads by the freaking communists. Then lightly sprinkled with the Garland Family Spice.
  • Goldvane Salad - The salad for influential story writers. The good ol' captain has croutons the size of mountains, and lettuce leaves delivered from the Green Runner.
  • Bluedog Roast Beef - Delicious roast dog-beef, inspired by Wiki president Kat Bluedog. Served with happy potatoes, and problem-solving deli cheeses, time to sip some iced tea! Oh, and it's all blue.
  • Lawrence Salami - Oh dear God no
  • Blastshot Pillow - Time to attend seminar with this delicious pillow. Throw it around, shoot it, and even take it to freaking theology school, you're bound to find yourself in a sea of dead seahorses, because nobody is perfect and the world just sucks.
  • Greasescarlett's Surprise - After months of looting, and partying with a "boyz night out," we bring you one of our famous inspiration's favorite dishes. We can't release what it is though, as it's a.... err.... surprise.
  • Arab Pork Roast - In celebration of the everlasting peace between the BNO and the adminz, a new dish has been prepared! A traditional Arab Pork Roast, prepared by Dirty Chef Dan.
  • Endermen Toast - So... toasty! Brought to you from The End. Just be sure you scrap off all the End Stone particles when your toast is brought to you by our waiters disguised as Endermen.
  • The Jarod Supreme - Named for legendary anthropologist and Israeli fashion prince Jarod Pillagebane, this dish consists of some silky matter acquired during Mallace's last diplomacy trip to the Netherlands.
  • Corn - Available on the cob, or on the pagan altar.
  • All-Natural Tamwon Tea - A Mongolian specialty packed to the brim with 42 herbs and spices, designed to make you never want to drink tea again.
  • Captain Leon's Curry - After naughty black-Indian comedian Captain Leon was captured roaming the Uzbek plains last week, he was forced to hand over this Hindi recipe. Eat at your own risk, as it has been known to cause symptons such as egotistical explosion and various Indian depressions. Zesty orange flavour.
  • Goldwrecker Goulash - Feeling lucky? Take a trip south to the border, where you can experience a dying Irish woman, thousands of heprechauns (leprechauns with Hep-C), and even Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. So much licking, so little time!
  • The Jim Lo-ganache - This one has a funky feel to it. Ever ridden a dying turtle to the end of the world? Jim Logan has, and this house-made ganache is named for the greatest salt-inspector to ever hit Bikini Bottom.
  • The Instant Vlassic - Kosher pickles good for fitting about 4 and a half in your mouth AT ONCE. However, there's a catch - they aren't pickles. They aren't pickles at all :3
  • Boogie Mango's Mangoed Lamb dish - Served with Boogie's special closet cheese and loads of olives. The lamb died happy, or so we think. For the love of God, please don't order this dish unless you have a really good reason.
  • Osama-lama-ding-dong soup - After Mallace slayed all the assassins on his trail, he hid for thirty nights in the cold ravines of Turkmenistan. While there, he discovered a 50% moist, 50% lethargic, 100% acidic fruit. After being boiled down and topped with clay lamb bits, an inviting-looking soup was brewed.
  • Badass BLT - Yeah, this isn't your conventional bacon, lettuce, tomato sandwich. It's actually BADASS, LITHIUM, and TRUMAN (we harvested meat from the remains of US president Harry Truman). Burned to a crisp on our hell-like badass grills, and then served with horse fries.
  • Yurf and Turf - Ever heard of a yurf? Neither have we, but its pancreas serves as the main ingredient in this delectable combo. Cooked to order and topped with caramalized onions and unfiltered cannabis. Also served with your choice of porkchops, pork hotdogs, or pork hotpockets. Kosher options: none.
  • The Law's Brigade Pu Pu Platter - Ever Wondered What Life Is Like When Running With The Buffalo? Wonder No More! This Ridiculed Platter Of Steamed Meats And Lotions Is Served To Order, And If You're Lucky, With A Side Of Brigade Juice! Meats Include: Cat Simmered In Wallaby Broth, Wallaby Simmered In Cat Broth, And Broiled Feline A La Garland Finished With A Mentally Unstable Yogurt Pesto Garnache.
  • Fan Article of the Greek - In honour of our winning FAOTW, this dish comes from the poverty-stricken quarters of Greece! This economically exhausted platter is made up of three main ingredients: sacrificial goat urine, black olives (with pits the size of croutons), and special Greek sauce (made from porgy and octopus vinegar), as prepared by Macedonian anti-gay rights activist Alexander the Straight.
  • Sven's Delight - Ah yes. Inspired by John Breasly's passionate lover fellow elf, this radio-friendly scampi dish is sure to have you meowing all night. Served with SvS chips and over a bed of Asian emu dumplings. What's so delighting about it? I don't know; you tell me.
  • The Harassed Salad - When times get lonely, and you feel like you're about to cry a tear of sweaters, get harassed! You'll feel so uncomfortable by the time you're finished eating this salad, you won't even care! The salad includes lettuce that was slightly violated by the time it was harvested.
  • Damp Textbooks - Frustrated by his inability to learn English, the grand Captain Lord Ishamel threw his "Beginner's Guide to English" textbook into the ocean one day. Harvested by chef Garland the following day (after being washed up on the beaches of Mumbai), a real treat was discovered! The textbooks are perfectly damp, and all the annoying high-lighting that the person before you did has all been washed off. Goes fantastically with the gay coleslaw, if you're feeling salty.
  • The BNO Christmas Special - Only served on Christmas day! This dish comprises some of your favourite aspects of your favourite Christian holiday: cedar tree souffle, a weird-ass sweater from your grandmother that your mom will most likely make you wear to school one day, the blood of Christmas carolers, biscuits made by the quiet Jewish guy down the street, crumbly scones reminiscent of expired egg nog, reindeer meat, and of course, a handfull of barley cake taken directly from the now-sketchy manger that Jesus was born in. Happy holidays, and remember: the Mallace Pallace is not open on Kwanza.
  • Mallace's "Moving Forward" Special - With Obama on the throne once again, and the hanukah men knocking at America's back door, Chef Mallace has gotten out of retirement to move forward! The community centre welcomes him, but when the children of the town started throwing mushrooms at him, he concocted this nostalgic treat. We aren't sure what it is because he won't tell us. #JimLoganAdmin2017
  • Djeremiah Un-Garland - this was cooked on the floor
  • Djohn Un-Breasley'd - Right after Chef Breasly led a capitalist revolt in upper-lower Austria, he was shot in the back by none other than... Stpehen! So he martyred Step's slaves, including Kat, and used their entrails as the basis for this Pakistani-Mormon-Bisexual-Ugandan pasty appetizer. Please clean up the mess you make with this dish, and remember that we aren't responsible for the unpredictable bowel movements that follow.
  • Kim Jong Un-agi Sauce: Made from eel submerged in LIN juice, this entree comes from us from the legendary repetoire of Brazilian hairdresser Moogie Bango. The chefs of the BNO had recently traveled to North Korea for inspiration, and found only this special sauce secreted to the bottom of the hand rails in all of Pyongyang's metro stations. We're pretty sure it won't erode our kitchen.
  • Taylor: The Show! - Inspired by fellow sven-tastic Christian kid Taylor1357, the Mallace Pallace has now produced its first dish that is food and... a show! All in one! Kids and grown-ups alike will enjoy eating their bite-sized fish patties, after pressing the little buttons on the side revealing Taylor, who will jump literally right off the plate and into your child's mouth! Be careful, choking hazard, we aren't responsible for the props he uses. If he gets too sexual please tell the staff, we like when that happens.
  • McKagan Powder - A delicious, thick anthrax-like powder coated in a special green sauce (possibly paint) to give it an extra zing. The preparations of the meal are only known by the chef himself and his friend Sarah. The health department has a warrant for them.
  • More menu items coming soon!

The Special Menu

Due to some... err.... health violations, we cannot publicly advertise these dishes. Please approach any BNO staff to learn about the "special menu." The "staff" being John Breasly, Jeremiah Garland, or Andrew Mallace (Mohammed Aahil Juhaym Nazih-Wajdi Abdul-Khabir Ishrat Jiyad of Saudi-Iran). Thank you.

Wine List

  • The Pistol Noir - From: Durban, South Africa. Deliciously ripe and not too sour, this specialty house wine is a real treat to sip, and is even better when poured down your back
  • The Happy Uzbek - From: Tashkent, Uzbekistan. Containing hints of hairless goat blood, this wine is sure to make you wanna get down and be gay (happy) all night
  • The North Korea Glorea - From: Kamwong, North Korea. Socialism and oppresive BNO dictators in wine form! Time to get cracking with this earthy bottle. No license required!
  • The Lonely Hawaiian - From: a Hawaiian place. Just when you have no clue what to do with your life savings; go to Hawai'i! You might taste some sand in this wine, but it isn't sand
  • Khmer Blanc - From the depressed vineyards of a war-torn Cambodia, this light wine contains a hazelnut flavour; and rabbit. There are chunks of rabbit in it, just ignore it we couldn't help it pls stop
  • The Baghdad Bomb - Ahhhhhh yes. The classic Baghdad Bomb. We are the only restaurant in the world to still sell this recently-outlawed concoction! Made from genocidal victims, Halabja poison gas, and vinegar
  • Turban-Head Cocktail - from the arid latitudes of the Hindu Kush on the Pakistani-Afghan border comes this jihadist specialty. Immitation vodka and explosive craisins complete with a plethora of tiny surprises.
  • "Barthelona" Brew - A special brew coming from Moorish-Catholic España! Contains a "demonic" alcoholic mixture, with faint traces of pears, various shades of greens, and a little Georgian hot-BBQ sauce. Approved by Marylin Manson.
  • Papal Holy Wine - Well, this was once water... now it's mostly grapes and blood.
  • Buthotfucta's Bull(LOL CENSOR) - A powerful mixture only found in India, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka. Ishamel had it imported after a rogue pirate killed his dog. He murdered the pirate's entire family, and then drank the wine as a victory toast. He was found several months later roaming the Ghobi Desert.
  • Montezuma's Revenge - A strong wine produced in Mexico, and mixed with the water surrounding Tenōchtitlān. Known to give strong dissantary that results in death, and in extreme cases, dehydration.
  • Jägermeister Reloaded - A strong German beer. It's prepared with so many herbs and spices, that there's not enough space in the bottle for any liquid. Goes nicely with a dish of Mein Kampf.
  • Timmy Turner's Fishbowl - We don't know what magical sea creatures died in this fishbowl. But it tastes delicious!
  • Stepititus C - A new, juicy wine for all those banned by Stpehen. You have been knocked into a hole you cannot climb out of, so we offer you drink. You can't get out anyway.

The BNO Kidz Menu

Because kidz can get dirty too (must be 12 or younger, cannot order at the erect bar)

  • Kidz Burgur - Courtesy of Javy Airlines, this delicious kiddy-sized yum yum is made with Grade F real beef. The patty is slowly dipped in honey, egg yokes, and crisco before served to your child.
  • Jewish Fiesta Sauce (KID VERSION) - We just take the original Jewish Fiesta Sauce, and mix in things kids love, like the taste of paint. Before it is lit on fire by rival gang members, we make sure everybody has had enough.
  • The Spanish Inquisition - we put this pork on the kids menu by mistake. See Chef Breasly for more details.
  • Hamster meat - slowly poached and served over a bed of celery
  • Austrian children - Life sucks in this desolate nation, so the people here have gone to the liberty to cook up this scrumptious treat to serve to your little one. May contain soil
  • The Looters Jr. Happy Meal - Salty chicken tenders, best-friend fries, Jolly Roger carrot stix, and apples with discriminated caramel sauce all packed in a dandy little box of flamboyant green. Oh, and served with marijuana, to make it a "happy" meal.
  • The Marrace - World-renowned dish brought to us by our co-founder, Dirty Mallace! Great for all ages 12 and under. Features a mix of our fine gay coleslaw and funky sauce, and has been described by critics as "Oddly fascinating yet disturbing." A MUST HAVE dish.
  • The Blake Plate - This English dish even has Sven going nuts! WARNING: Getting STDs is highly possible doubtful.
  • Bloody Banana- Get your potassium. Tetnis shot strongly recommended before consumption.
  • The BlueKatDog- no longer available.
  • Aladmin Supreme - Once again, Javy Airlines brings us delacacies from across the globe! Kids will learn so much about the rich culture of key conflict areas such as the Middle East, North Korea, and Russia. Deep-fried Goat hind-leg topped with Garland's special sauce. Nutition facts not available.

New Franchise: Chain Launched

The Executive Directors and Chef's at The Mallace Pallace are pleased to announce that Executive CEO Jeremh Garland has ordered the first new Mallace Pallace! It is placed in Garland-Arabia, the country of Bobland. We also plan to fund and purchase 5 NEW star locations for our new franchises:


The New Miami location will feature a lounge area adjacent to the Erect Bar.

The Mallace Pallace Takes Miami [Florida]

The Mallace Pallace takes Islamabad [Allahu Akbarlandia]

The Mallace Pallace takes Juneau [Alaska]

The Mallace Pallace half-takes New York [We share the location with a Starbucks Coffee.]

The BNO Takes the World (Just a saying. Not implying anyting.)

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