| Chiss Missile Crisis (Chissile Crisis) | |
|---|---|
 | |
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Location: |
Sivella; global |
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Previous: |
Samtansian Slaughter |
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Concurrent: |
Ebola pandemic |
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Next: |
Unknown |
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Beginning: |
March 31st, 2017 |
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End: |
Six hours later |
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Outcome: |
Tactical Sivellan retreat |
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Combatants: |
Sivellan Union; Nultsia/RR, Edgelandia, Dauntless |
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Casualties: |
Dignity; Integrity |
The Chiss Missile Crisis was a brief but devastating conflict between the Sivellan Union and basically everyone else but especially Edgelandia.
Phase 1: The Coalition[]
After the completion of a new arsenal of several-megaton nuclear warheads, Supreme Leader Benthamic of The Chiss Descendancy forges an unholy alliance with Chairman Zoomer of Theodosia, who had also recently acquired nuclear capabilities, to wreak havoc upon the world and hope that no one takes it too personally.
In the wee hours of March 31st, 2017, Benthamic formally declares war on Nultsia on behalf of the entire Sivellan Union for "no reason in particular." About a dozen warheads are immediately launched from Icepick Base in the Free Empire; for precaution, the Theodosian government keeps a watchful eye on the horizon for retaliatory bombs, ready to shoot them down with mortar shells forged with the blood of the proletariat.
President Stralam of Nultsia, meanwhile, had other ideas. Every bomb harmlessly burst just above the Hawarden clouds thanks to a complex "iron dome" nuclear defense system installed by the Rejected Realms faction (better known as the Participation Regarding Inept Countries Koalition), which Stralam had just been appointed interior secretary of.
Seeking to help penetrate the iron Nulstian curtain, President Mallace unveiled a shiny new nuclear arsenal of his own, immediately firing half a dozen atomic bombs at the Nultsian capital to no avail. Seeking the total annihilation of the perceived Nultsian threat, Mallace joined forces with Zoomer and Benthamic to unleash a barrage of fire that would surely bring the conflict to a decisive end.
Even as President Stralam was caught off guard by Benthamic's inventive use of the Sock Cannon, his defenses help up against the onslaught of just over 100 nuclear warheads from the three nations. As awed Nultsian citizens admired the government-sponsored fireworks show, Stralam sent a few of his own missiles towards Sivella, which were quickly shot down by Theodosia. When asked as to where he attained the highly dangerous weapons from, being a peaceful nation that has never spent a cent on defense, the president had this to say: "I'll never tell! That would totally be an absolute betrayal of my promise Ned Edgewalker, President of Edgelandia, the arch-enemy of Sivella!"
Phase 2: The Edge of Glory[]
As President Edgewalker slipped into a deep snooze for his daily noon nap, the Sivellan powers primed their weapons to fire at the capital of Edgelandia - Saint P-Westbrook. It's Westbrook. As the President was unavailable to retaliate with his nuclear launch codes, Westbrook was almost instantly annihilated. The second wave of bombs followed soon after, accompanied by a sizeable invasion force comprised of Mallandians, Chiss, and Theodosians.
As the coalition marched into Edgelandia, however, they were shocked to find another faction mercilessly bombing the developing country into submission: the militants called Dauntless. The two armies cut a savage swath through Edgelandia and, with each other's help, turned the socialist state into an irradiated wasteland.
When the job was done, the coalition marched back to their homes in Sivella - only for the Dauntless faction to begin carpet bombing the ground troops into a fine pulp.
Phase 3: Everybody Hates Benthamic[]
Outraged, the Supreme Leader of the Free Empire deployed his navy and airforce to respond to the Dauntless threat, which had begun to spread from Edgelandia into Sivellan land. Launching ballistics missiles of their own, the faction's warheads aimed at vital Sivellan cities were repelled with great success by Chairmain Zoomer's defense cannons - that was, until the Theodosian military detonated a massive chain of bombs along their border, effectively causing a cataclysmic tectonic plate shift that rendered the country its own island separate from Sivella, signaling the end of their involvement in the war.
"Wow," Benthamic was quoted as saying in response to the Theodosian retreat. "In times like these, I'm really glad I have friends like President Andrew Mallace to help me in these super important w-" he was cut off as he received news that, following Zoomer's example, Mallandia (the entire country) blasted off into space to avoid any further entanglements, leaving the Dauntless threat mostly up to the Chiss to handle; that was, the Chiss and their valued allies, including the Sipsconians, the Samtansians, and an array of imperial satellite states that the Leader had hardly bothered appointing puppet leaders for.
The barrage of missiles from Dauntless intensified. Several vital Chiss cities were pulverized, and some even feared that Valencia was in danger of being taken by the mysterious faction. As all of his (useful) allies had left him and efforts to escape into outer space were yielding no fruit, he took matters into his own hands (literally) by rolling up the ole' sleeves and preparing to personally fistfight every Dauntless nuke that came within 10 miles of Valencia.
"I am not trapped in Sivella with these nukes - these nukes are trapped in Sivella with me!" the alarmingly dexterous head of state growled as he dropkicked yet another atomic bomb. Just as it seemed he had things under control, however, Benthamic came under fire by the infamous Nultsian military, which had launched several hundred tactical nukes in the direction of Valencia as payback.
However, instead of being totally annihilated by the awesome wrath of the nuclear hell that was raining down upon him, the Supreme Leader, and indeed, the entirety of the Chiss Descendancy and all of its puppet states, were launched several hundred miles into the atmosphere by the blast. As he rode a repelling rocket rapidly into outer space to meet up with his old ally Mallace, Benthamic shed a single tear for the "betrayal" of Nulstia; Stralam, he confessed, he had long considered one of his closest friends, despite years of belligerence and now an actual nuclear war that ended with a comical disregard for the very basic principles of physical science.
The remaining Dauntless militants were seen rowing across the ocean to the PRICK; meanwhile, Benthamic and Mallace plotted the details of their fantastic return to planet Earth...