Pirate King Primaries, 1749

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The 1749 Pirate King Primaries are a series of contests in which pirates from all over the Caribbean gather and battle to see who the most diehard roleplayer is. The winner will immediately be put in Shipwreck Cove, because general elections are a thing of the past (future?).

The rules are simple. Voters (NPCs and enemies) vote to decide where and how to distribute delegates (certified mobs). There are also superdelegates (bosses), who ~~feel it's their obligation to destroy the Caribbean's democracy and practically always vote for Ned~~ can vote for whomever they choose but are still fair and unbiased.

The contests began on June 3rd, the day on which the first two caucuses took place.

The Pirates[]

Rikardo Kannonwalker (Big R Da Swagbomber) - Governor of The HMS Doomsday Senator of Outcast Isle

Campaign Slogan: "This is bullcrap"
Campaign Strategy: TURN UP THE INTENSITY.
Inspirations: Richard Nixon, James Buchanan, Barnie Sandlers.
Birthplace: It is rumored he fell out of Devil Root's rear end somewhere on Outcast Isle.
Resides In: That half blown-up shack on Tortuga's beach. ABASSA COUNTY BOIZ!
Beard Style: The "Pubeard".
Notable Achievements: Living past 5, not tearing Ned in half every day, eating donkeys like groceries.
Chances of Winning: 141^2/3 @ SAKERFICE.
Promises: Unlimited access for everyone. Not just for a weekend this time.
Is: TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT NED'S DAMN POTATO WIGS

Ned Edgewalker (Da Buff Potato Sack) - Walking Price Tag - Former Prince of the 7th Brethren Court - Secretary of State of Port Royal

Campaign Slogan: "People accuse me of being gai. I plead guilty."
Campaign Strategy: Depends on the phase of the moon.
Favorite Color: Gold
Dislikes: Poverty, War, Navy, EITC, Finn O'Hammley, Worn Cutlasses, Basic Access
Likes: Poverty, War, Navy, EITC, himself, War Galleons, Basic Access
Birthplace: Delivered by a pigeon as his 3 parents did the "kuku-puku-kupu" rain dance around some pond in Port Royal.
Notable Achievements: His clean record, passing a record four pirate polygraphs with flying colors (although one of his campaign aides did notice his pockets were considerably lighter after that).
Stance on Potato Imprisonment: FOR SALE
Is: Inevitably the nominee for Pirate King.

Flynn Bologna (Finnicky Finn) - Serial Butt Stabber - Governor of Raven's Cove

Campaign Slogan: "Basic Access is a disease, and I took all the cures."
Campaign Strategy: Outsourcing everyone's gold to Tealand.
Favorite Books: the r-r-r-r-r tales
Hobbies: Cannonwalking, Edgewalking
Believes In: A Caribbean where gay married couples can protect their marijuana fields with muskets and voodoo staves.
Favorite Food: Freshly outsourced Roast Pig.
Birthplace: Ejected from the bowels of hell and washed up on the shores of Isla Tormenta.
Notable Achievements: He killed lots of people really fast. Their bodies fell faster than the speed of light!
Is: Some love baby of a Fogbell and Mossy Moses.

The Candidates: On The Issues[]

Provided by affiliate TLOPONION™

Richard Cannonwalker[]

Criminal Justice: What are we if not criminals in the eyes of those who would seek to take our freedom?
Economy: Believes the word is a myth created by the establishment to slow the wheels of change
Education: Spent a semester at the Noob Academy and Learning Center
Environment: Concerned by Francis Brigade's efforts to cleanse indigenous Rage Ghosts in Raven's Cove
Family Values: Values families deeply but isn't opposed to kidnapping the first son of every imperialist lackey who tries to encroach upon Brethren territory
Foreign Policy: Big fan of France
Gun Control: Maintains that muskets are for men with tiny swords unfit for use in combat
Immigration: Open to letting immigrants come into Shipwreck Cove if they can recite "A Pirate's Life for Me"
Women's Rights: Constantly called a sissy by the other candidates and his own supporters
Healthcare: Supports a speculation tax on Garret's Imports and Exports to make Miracle Water affordable to all, not just Unlimited Access players

Ned Edgewalker[]

Criminal Justice: Is that a threat?
Economy: Believes the economy should work for everyone, not just the bottom 99%
Education: Has some idea of what the big words that Richard can't understand mean
Environment: Has proposed measures to deploy privateers to every corner of the Caribbean to sink any fishing boats operating in unauthorized waters without a paid license
Family Values: Claims everyone is like a brother to him
Foreign Policy: Open to negotiations with the European powers threatening to wipe him out
Gun Control: Is open to controlling anything he can get his hands on
Immigration: Experienced the horrors of Polish border control firsthand
Women's Rights: Some
Healthcare: Cares deeply for his own health but still hasn't trimmed that awful beard

Finn O'Hammley[]

Criminal Justice: Regulary dismembers terrified crewmembers to set an example for the others
Economy: Ready to make the jump from fiscal to physical at basically any time
Education: Believes everyone should be able to learn about the horrors of the British oppressor
Environment: Cares deeply about those neat tree things on Outcast Isle
Family Values: Avid proponent the homosexual agenda
Foreign Policy: Vows to finish what Jack Sparrow started
Gun Control: Whatever happens happens
Immigration: Believes British immigrants must be kept out of Tortuga until we "figure things out"
Women's Rights: Concerned about the rising threat of the cooties infection
Healthcare: Social darwinism

Commentary, primary-by-primary[]

June 3rd[]

Isla Perdida Caucus[]

Oh boy! The election's first contest! Or, as Ned Edgewalker put it at one point, the last? Ned Edgewalker was the first to receive his (only) vote, and he had this to say about it:

"This only confirms it. I am inevitably the nominee for Pirate King. I am hereby entitled to your vote."

Not more than five minutes later, he was tied with fellow candidate Finn O'Hammley, who had this to say about the primaries:

"r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r--r!" We should have included in our profiles that he suffers from a rare speech impediment known as "Lithp.". Very sad.

As this happened, the third and last candidate, Richard Cannonwalker, sat enraged by the corner.

"I can't believe this crap! I was supposed to win this damn poopy island! I'm gonna eat my campaign manager!". He ran off at top speed for a solid two seconds before collapsing into the sand. He didn't realize that just then, he won fifteen votes and subsequently the entire caucus. R-Soldier Wasp of Queen's County had this to say between long inhales from his bong:

"I really feel like Cannonwalker is the dude for me, y'know? It's like, so radical how he stands up to climate change. These boats are like, so pollutive, man."

Meanwhile, Ned Edgewalker took some gold from affectionate fans in black suits while Finn O'Hammley got on his wooden plank and sailed into the horizon.

A few minutes later, a dazed Cannonwalker rose from the sand. "IS THAT VICTORY I SMELL?!?!!?"

With a strong battle cry/ear-piercing shriek, Cannonwalker took off for his dinghy and powered through the high seas toward his next caucus. Our wooden cameras caught the ~~natural disaster~~ inspiring moment.

Outcast Isle Caucus[]

The primary season's second caucus! This one was quite interesting. As soon as Richard crashed his dinghy ashore, the crowds went wild! R-Ancient Fly Trap, who had voiced his support for the candidate even before the season began, had this to say after killing a Basic Access pirate with acid spit:

"I think Richard'ssssss the only one who caressss about ussss fly trapsssss. It'ssss really sssssad when a really ssssstrong pirate jusssst comesssss up to usssss and chopsssss ussssss in half. It ain't eassssy being paralyzed from the ssssstem down."

Meanwhile, O'Hammley was going wild himself. He had begun vigorously licking an angry tree stump until he voted for him.

"Finn has shown his love for us plenty of times! There's nothing more painful to a stump than being chopped up and made into a ship! I mean, just look at the Black Warrior! What a waste of my kin!" Said Mr. Corrupt Stump Lv. 28.

Ned Edgewalker was also drawing support from the isle's many inhabitants. Devil Root, Ned's second superdelegate this season, had this to say:

"I've had a goddarn hard time up in Outcast Izzle! It be tha thing of tragediez when ya used the most hardest bossizzle in the Caribbizzle, but now ya nuttin' mo' than a shiny tree!". It should also be noted he is the father of candidate Cannonwalker. Brain cell deficiency runs in the family, it seems!

It seems, however, that Outcast was Cannonwalker territory from this start. His policies, which seek to desegregate the isle and unite its 12 inhabitants in pirate-killing harmony, seem to have won him the caucus with a strong 75% of the popular vote. Either that, or the voters confused him for a tree stump!

Stay tuned for more news as we head towards next Friday's slightly more relevant islands: "cool grinding place" and "cool grinding place"!

June 10th[]

Cutthroat Isle Caucus[]

Here we are, at the third caucus of the season! At the very beginning, us here at TLOPOnion were in for a pleasant surprise. As soon as Mr. O'Hammley landed his smelly corpse of a ship, cheers erupted from the crowd at the shore! That's right, we're not irrelevant!

It appears that Cannonwalker's time as king of the tree-huggers is over. His pro-hippie policies have nothing on Finn's charisma, and this is what lost him the undead vote. Crowds of regular and spanish undead alike trampled Edgewalker superdelegate Tomas Blanco and rushed to shake the legendary O'Hammley's hand. Stalwart O'Hammley voter and supporter "Undead Brigand Lv 14" had this to say:

"i think its high time someone heard our voices because they always fall upon deaf ears it just breaks our heart to get killed over and over again and have a pirate look at our remains and call them either junk or w00t and i think o'hammley is the most peaceful sane guy around and that's why he has my vote because im tired of losing my 5 gold pieces" he said before being tackled and subdued by a mute noob. At least he voted before leaving for the afterlife.

Finn O'Hammley (our hero!) had this to say at his victory speech: "Dear Cutthroatians, it makes me ecstatic and hopeful to know that I have all of your support when I say we should no longer be divided between living and dead. I love the humans, no one loves them more than me. But unlike other fools, I support skeletons in their struggles. I look forward to having the support of your other undead brothers and sisters as well. Thank you!" He finished before the crowd erupted in cheers and applause.

Cannonwalker, meanwhile, was heartbroken. He sat, tightening his arms around his legs, on his Black Warrior. Between sobs, he managed to say "its not over its not over more votes pls".

And he's right. Later today is the Isla Cangrejos caucus, where there is a high population of crabs and where all the undead are unambiguously feminine. His stances on women's rights and anti-boat pollution policies may once again set him on the road to victory!

Isla Cangrejos Caucus[]

The Isla Cangrejos caucus was the second caucus held yesterday, and the results are in! As was expected for an environment-heavy island, Cannonwalker won by a large margin. However, he continues to see an increasingly larger threat from Mr. O'Hammley.

The crab vote wasn't the only thing that carried the man to victory, though. The island's gay undead populace strongly supported him as well. Jacques Le Blanc, one of Cannonwalker's first three superdelegates this season, had this to say:

"Boy, am I glad someone finally cares about me! Do you know how hard it is for a girl like me to sail the seas with her love without getting blown to smithereens? And don't even get me started on these homophobic pirates! They gang up on me and ruin my fresh weave all day, every day!" He said, shortly before his brown toupee fell in the water and began swimming towards. He broke into tears.

O'Hammley, despite his loss, was ecstatic. "I'm happy to tell you all that this has been the gaiest day of my life!" He announced, drawing cheers and applause even from Cannonwalker suppporters.

For Edgewalker, however, the day was anything but gai. He only received one vote, which he got only after stealing a French Quarter Master's wig and threatening to use it as a rear-end hygienic product.

Next week come the first primaries, and the biggest islands yet. The two SvS islands are predicted to go to the king of roleplay himself, Big R. However, O'Hammley has drawn strong support from gypsies and undead in the past, and the Dead Man's Trough is an O'Hammley stronghold. It is also rumored that the three candidates will be debating this June 16th, and Cannonwalker couldn't be any gayer.

"IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!" He shouted.

"I'M GOING TO USE THEIR NIPPLES AS BONGOS!"

June 17th[]

The Cuba Debate[]

Here we are, folks, the first official debate of this primary season! Men and gators alike gathered to welcome the three candidates to their island as each disembarked from his own hideous vessel! Suit-wearing fly traps escorted the trio to the impressive debate arena, made of the sturdiest rotting wood and reinforced by navyman tears.

"Please rise for the pledge of piracy..."

"Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate! Yarr, harr, fiddle di dee! Being a pirate is all right with me! Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are pirate! (x100)"

"You know, this whole freedom thing has got me thinking..." began O'Hammley. "Secretary Edgewalker has repeatedly proposed letting the navy Ferret population thrive! These are deadly monsters we're talking about, and if we don't control them, they'll soon have us on a leash!"

"Do you want to respond to that, Mr. Edgewalker?"

"No."

-mediocre applause a dad would give to a disowned son-

Meanwhile, our Crazy Cannon stood in the back, looking smugly at the cool kids.

"noobs."

-earth-shattering applause-

"But wait, that's not the end of it." Said O'Hammley. "Mr. Edgewalker has also proposed deporting all our barbers and seamstresses to English concentration camps! Soon, all lower-middle class pirates will be left with hair as ugly as his, and the last thing we need is a lice outbreak!"

"Mr. Edgewalker?"

"..."

-mediocre applause i give ned when he managed to stay on this wiki for 6 years-

It seemed that the crowd was going crazy over Mr. Cannonwalker. Their burly bigfoot-legged hero was shaking hands, signing autographs, and affectionately petting gators. If things continued this way, O'Hammley would surely lose absolutely nothing.

"I stand united with the people of Cuba when I say that we're simply not giving our gator friends our best." began Cannonwalker. "We toss them in swamps and leave them to the mercy of some ogre, and if that doesn't work, some emotionless noob who only speaks in text boxes comes and finishes the job. It's a horrible lifestyle, if you can even call it a life. We the people of Cuba and the Caribbean must grant our little green friends the lives they need. It seems O'Hammley and Edgewalker disagree with me - with us. They're too busy tearing into each other without realizing we MUST instead tear into this rampant oppression!"

Just then, there came an applause so thunderous that the rotting wood shattered and both Edgewalker and O'Hammley. fell into the water. Cannonwalker's fall was stopped by cheering fans, who gave their hero the ride of his life through the crowd. The other two candidates sailed away on their ships, absolutely destroyed.

"He's a very attractive man." Said the town gypsy, Macomo, during an interview.

The true question is: How will Cannonwalker recover from this devastating victory?

Cuba's primary is one of four tomorrow, and before the debate, O'Hammley led with around 70% of the popular vote. He will also be returning to his heavily undead home island, Isla Tormenta. If this debate meant anything, tomorrow would be a good day for our Finn. No one cares, through. Make Hammerica Great Again!

i don't remember[]

Ile D'Etable De Porc Primary[]

Here we are, ladies and pirates, at the first true primary of the season, and the biggest contest yet: THE GAY SVS ISLAND! Unsurprisingly, the gay vote pushed the burly SVS god Cannonwalker through the winner-take-all threshold and he won a whole 12 delegates. Pierre Le Porc, a strong Cannonwalker supporter, had this to say:

"I personally believe ze best of ze candidates to represent our interests is ze hot Cannonwalker. Zis is because he is a strong believer in gay rights, because he knows ze gay rights are his rights."

Our O'Hammley scored a distant second place, with an 11 votes. Despite being a whole 4 feet tall and having lots of muscle, he just couldn't win the island. As for Ned... literally no one likes that guy/girl/thing. This island is also ~~cancer-free~~ superdelegate-free, so Edgewalker can't ~~circumvent the will of the people~~ get a slight boost from some of his fair supporters.

We were about to pack our wooden, too-futuristic-for-this-wiki cameras up when some streaker suddenly ran up to us. "FEEL ZE DICK!" He chanted, holding up a wooden sign with Cannonwalker's face haphazardly carved into it. Soon, he was joined by many of his 4-foot-tall streaker friends, and it was truly a fun sausage fest to ~~participate in~~ watch.

Until the other SVS island with the other ridiculously long name, toodles!

Isla De La Avaricia Primary[]

In stark contrast to the girly SVS island is the manly spaniard testosterone island. Surprisingly, O'Hammley shattered expectations by scoring a not-too-far second place. Also surprisingly, it seems that Cannonwalker's burly physique and massive muscles weren't nearly enough for him to dominate the island. Although he scored a safe victory, the tables may turn in the next two primaries.

As for the events, the citizens were psyched. Cannonwalker delegate Marcos Hilo De Rosca Verde had this to say after knocking out a passerby noob:

"UUUUUURGH We need a manly beast ruling this Caribbean!!! That sexy boy Cannonwalker will tear the oppressive navy Ferrets in HALF!!!"

A majority of the island seemed to agree. However, O'Hammley supporters seemed to become only more common as each contest went by. O'Hammley delegate Pedro Del Mar had this to say amidst long sips from a Tequila jug:

"I don't know why people say O'Hammley is girly, or crazy!!! Fact is, the Caribbean has too many jobs and we need to be outsourcing more jobs to Tealand!!! Say YES to the Trans-Caribbean Partnership!!!"

As with De Porc, insanely attractive and shirtless men paraded around the shore, and I couldn't help but ~~join~~ watch!

Cuba Primary[]

Welcome back, little boys and girls! After a long hiatus, it's time for the Cuba primary. The results were quite expected, really - the alligatorphile O'Hammley won 2/3 of the vote. This puts him about even with his opponent, the Cannonwanker.

What wasn't expected is how the primary unfolded. It's been a quite a wild day out here. After he finished his heartly Nooblet soup, local alligator "Big Alligator Lv 12" had this to say:

"ayooo lmao let me get a taste of that o'hammley ass wooo"

We delved deep into the Cuban capital of Pantano River to have a chat with a long-time friend Tia Dalma. She had this to say after scarring a pair of noobs for life:

"I tink O'Hammley is teh future of Caribbean. We need all our gold to be given to teh Englands. We no need it. Is good for economy to have no economy."

Just then, a local gypsy burst into the capital with what must have been excitement. About 10 alligators were following them, licking their lips and also looking very excited. We tried to interview the man, but he had only this to say:

"AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I haven't seen such raw emotion since I took over Somalia! What a day! But I realize I'm forgetting something...

I returned to Gypsy County to check on the candidates. O'Hammley was shaking hands with baby fly traps and baby alligators alike, while Cannonwalker gazed forlornly at what he could have had had he not been so honest and genuine.

We have also gotten reports that Ned Edgewalker only received one vote, and it was from a mother alligator whose child he threatened. He seems to have contracted dengue, malaria, and yellow fever simultaneously. That's what happens when you let those veneral-disease-carrying ogres to roam through approximately 80% of your island.

It also seems that the primary race coincided with a series of alligator races, where an innocent civillian runs from about 10 alligators while acting as if they are panicked to the death.

In that case, screw malaria! I'm taking my shirt off and joining! I love a good game!

~~buy the new crazy bus/big rigs/hong kong 97/zoo race hybrid or i will find you and i will nedify your face~~

time is meaningless and heals nothing[]

Isla Tormenta Caucus[]

Lepers and gents, it is the honor of us ~~sweat shop workers~~ proud reporters here at TLOPOnion to welcome you back to this year's greatest series of events, the Pirat Kang Primaries!

Today we are reporting on the Isla Tormenta Caucus, a battle sure to be hard-fought! It should be noted that this is O'Hammley's home island (he certainly looks like he belongs here), and this gives him a decisive edge!

As we speak, the pirates are leaving their vessels, but ladies and gentlemen, since our last conversation, THEY'VE HIT PUBERTY! This has given them pronounced sexual features such as terrible eye deformities, nightmarish smiles (brush your teeth pls), and unnaturally long unibrows! I'm certain these fine men will all find a woman or thrall captain or whatever as unique as them someday!

Mr. Edgewalker's muscles seem to have atrophied, however, as he seems to be having trouble carrying massive bags labeled "NOTABRIBE" unto his ship after fine black-suited Lv. 22 Devourer Crabs handed them to him. If Port Royal had schools for anyone that wasn't an ugly snob, I might be able to read that!

As the votes begin flowing in, we see O'Hammley taking the lead early. Flotsam Lv. 29 had this to say about his vote for Finn:

"it looks like my wife"

The underdog, Cannonwalker, seems to also have a cult following of his own, however! A group of fangirl Dregs had this to say about him:

"OHMYGAWDHESSOTOTALLYHAWTITHINKITSHISFARTSBUTIDKILOVEHOWHEWANTSTOBLOWUPPORTROYALLE"

This bought our attention to Ned Edgewalker, whom we remembered after realizing that there actually were 3 candidates in this race. He did not win a single vote, and we don't know his motivations for continuing to compete or even exist, so we just had to interview him about it. We asked him what he thought about his recent string of losses and victory prospects, and this was its response:

"No."

Okay then, as the caucus comes to a close, with Finn and Cannonwalker in a decisive yet too-close-for-comfort-totally-not-rigged 60-40, the inhabitants of the island all come together to play a game of ~~basketball oops that's too futuristic for this wiki~~ run with a big black spherical object and attempt to launch it into a circular goal point that earns you a set amount of points depending on the distance the goal shot in question was made from in relation to the point! However, we couldn't help but realize the object they were playing with looked suspiciously like a sierge ch-

-ASPLOSION!-

...

"...their votes still count, right?" - O'Hammley, c. 1749

Path to Shipwreck Cove[]

Island	Votes at Stake	Delegates at Stake*	Type	Date	Cannonwalker	Edgewalker	O'Hammley
Isla Perdida	17	3 + 1	Open caucus	June 3, 1749	88.2% (15) (3)	5.9% (1) (0+1)	5.9 % (1) (0)
Outcast Isle	12	2 + 1	Open caucus	June 3, 1749	75.0% (9) (2)	16.6% (2) (0 + 1)	8.4% (1) (0)
Cutthroat Isle	46	12 + 2	Closed caucus	June 10, 1749	28.2% (13) (4)	4.5% (2) (0 + 2)	67.3% (31) (8)
Isla Cangrejos	42	11 + 4	Closed caucus	June 10, 1749	64.2% (27) (7 + 3)	2.5% (1) (0)	33.3% (14) (4 + 1)
Ile D'Etable De Porc	86	12	Semi-closed Primary	June 17, 1749	87.2% (75) (12)	0.0% (0) (0)	12.8% (11) (0)
Isla De La Avaricia	97	14	Semi-closed Primary	June 17, 1749	59.8% (58) (8)	0.0% (0) (0)	40.2% (39) (6)
Cuba	102	23	Open primary	schedules are for plebs	33.3 (34) (8)	0.9% (1) (0)	65.6% (67) (15)
Isla Tormenta	38	8 + 1	Open caucus	don't you try to hold me dowwwn	39.5% (15) (3)	0.0% (0) (0)	60.5% (5) (5)
Port Royal	214	29 + 8	Closed primary	prepare to be pooten'd
Kingshead	96	20 + 3	Closed primary	honestly i only used this island for grinding it sucks
Driftwood Isle	29	8 + 2	Open caucus	im not going to conform to your standards
Rumrunner's Isle	44	15 + 1	Open caucus	alcoholic haven?
Devil's Anvil	17	5 + 1	Open caucus	barb oh suh
Raven's Cove	147	22 + 0	Open primary	i still dont understand why all ded ppl hate me
Padres Del Fuego	563	47 + 10	Semi-closed primary	in the words of a great philosopher: the fathers of fire must have been lactose intolerant.
Tortuga	745	55 + 14	Open caucus	tbh idk whose idea caucuses were but i'd treat him to some clorox and a rope
Shipwreck Cove	9	0 + 9	Open caucus	like the d.c primary, but i'm sure the results won't make me want to hang myself this time

Superdelegates shown in bold.