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150px-3576775Snap, Crackle, Bob! is a Full Moon Corp. Production. 150px-3576775


Snap, Crackle, Bob!
Coplogo
Author Bobby Moon
Illustrator Bobby Moon
Publication date 2013
Published by Full Moon Corp.
Publication Order
Preceded by
The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly
Followed by
None

Cop Saga Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing...)

  1. Bobby Moon (Well I wrote it... So yeah...)
  2. Parax/Pary/Talk page stalker
  3. N.R.

Plot Summary

In this third Installment of The Cop Saga , many of your favorite characters are back again! This is the third play in the series, after Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop and The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly (Also by Bobby Moon). If you are a new reader, make sure to start with those, or you'll be wicked confused!

Anyways... After being defeated and retreating from their rebel camp, the pirates need to formulate a new plan. Their enemies are as strong as ever and their chances are slim, but they need to pull through to protect their freedom. Their need to survive and defeat the EITC will bring them on a whole new adventure through their world.

WARNING

This play is a comedy! If you accept a role, expect to be made fun of for humorous purposes! If you are a reader, reading this play could cause any of the following:

  1. Uncontrollable laughter
  2. Laughing to death
  3. Confusion
  4. Awkward facial expressions
  5. Emotional scarring for the remainder of your life
  • Bobby Moon and/or Full Moon Corp. are not responsible if any of these ailments should occur to you! You have been warned, <insert name here>! :P

Characters

Main Pirate Characters

  • Good Cop- Basil Bridgebane
  • Bad Cop- Bill Plunderbones
  • Bob Cop- Bobby Moon

Main EITC Characters

  • Jeremiah Garland
  • Cad Bane
  • Johnny Oldtimbers

Minor Characters

  • Delusional Squirrel Man- Benjy Macmorgan
  • Scone-Stealing Whackjob- Edgar Wildrat
  • Rat-Throwing Rebel- Hermit
  • Rebel Pirate- Jack Pistol
  • Guru Albertus Sparka- Albert Spark
  • EITC Bounty Hunter- Captain Richard Venables

Author's Thanks

Bobby Moon would like to thank all of the cast and fans who have supported her productions. "It's you guys who inspire me and keep me going, so uhh... Thanks :P"

Cast Photos

  • Snap
  • Crackle
  • Bob
  • The SSWJ.
  • Lord Jeremiah Garland
  • Lord Johnny Oldtimbers
  • Lord Cad Bane
  • Benjamin: Squirrel Man
  • The Hermit
  • Jackie Pistola
  • Albert Sparka

Act 1

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Scene 1

(The curtain rises. Many citizens and EITC officers are gathered in the Port Royal cemetery. A burial is taking place, and the ceremony is almost concluded. The coffin is lowered into the ground by three EITC lords: Garland, Goldtimbers, and Bane. A moment after, Garland places his hat back on his head and exits the burial ground. He is followed by the other lords. Garland storms through the walls of Fort Charles and reaches an office inside. He begins pacing.)

Garland: This never should have happened. Coaleaston should not be dead!

Oldtimbers: He died a hero, Lord Garland, working to exterminate piracy!

Garland: His death was unneeded! Emperor Caesar provided false information and faulty backup! This entire mess is his fault.

Bane: Jeremiah, you must remember that you trusted a recommendation from a madman, who often escapes an asylum....

Garland: I KNOW THAT! But this entire mess cannot be put on me. We must see to it that Caesar is hung and his salad palace is torched to the ground. Then we will hunt down the pirate scum that murdered Lord Coaleaston, and we will silence them.

Oldtimbers: We shall make wanted posters to be distributed throughout the entire Caribbean.

Garland: Excellent. (Pause) I want these criminals found quickly, and I want them dead. Then I shall hang their heads above my fireplace as a warning to any others who dare defy the East India Trading Company!

(The lights go out.)

Scene 2

(The lights come up on a makeshift camp in the Tortugan wilderness. All of our favorite rebels are sitting around a small fire when Bobby Moon and The Hermit enter through the trees. Moon is holding an old, torn piece of paper.)

Bob: Guys, this is bad.

(She pulls the dark hood of her cloak off.)

Bill: (Sitting on a log, looking up) What is it?

Bob: A wanted poster, with my face on it, that's what. You have to admit, it's a pretty good picture of me, but look at the reward...

Basil: Twenty thousand gold? Even I'd be tempted to turn you in for that much! Imagine the scones that twenty-k could buy...

Bill: Basil, focus! The EITC will be angry as ever after the little stunt we pulled!

Hermit: Moon, you should stay off the main streets, and keep your face hidden. Any of the riffraff could turn you in for the bounty.

Bob: House arrest, fun...

Pistol: Probably not a fun situation, but you'll have to deal until we get the price off your head.

Bob: And how do you suppose we go about that?

(Dramatic pause)

Pistol: We destroy the EITC once and for all.

(There is suddenly the sound of an introductory piano chord and Jack Pistol begins to sing?)

Pistol: We WILLLLL defeat our enemies!!! We WILLLL save the dayyyyy...

(Jack is suddenly interrupted.)

Bob: Dude, what the hell? This isn't a musical!

Pistol: Sometimes... Sometimes I just need to sing about my feelings!

Bill: Okay, go home...

(All of the pirates go inside their makeshift tents, except Jack Pistol, who sits disappointedly by the fire, muttering about his feelings. The lights go out.)

Scene 3

(The lights come up and we see that night has fallen. All of the pirates are preparing to go out to the tavern and party, except Bob who has to stay in hiding.)

Basil: While we're out, we'll ask around and try to come up with a 'defeating EITC plan."

Bob: (Rolling her eyes) And I'll stay here, out of sight, with my chicken.

(She roasts a chicken leg over the fire.)

Pistol: Don't feel bad! We won't have that much fun without you... Okay maybe we will... It's karaoke night down at King's Arm!

Bob: Dammit, you know I love karaoke night! No one can sing Britney Spears like I can!

Bill: Sorry Moon, it's for your own safety.

(Everyone leaves the camp, leaving Bob alone with her meat. Moon sits by the fire for a while, until she gets cold and goes inside her tent to retrieve her cloak. When she comes out, she hears the crack of a broken stick in the woods behind her. She throws up her hood and quietly draws her sword, sneaking into the shadows. Suddenly, a young man emerges across the camp site and warns his hands by the fire, looking around for any inhabitants.)

Venables: Hello?

(Moon creeps up behind Venables, sword in hand. She quickly puts the blade to his throat.)

Bob: Who are you? What are you doing here?

Venables: (Frightened) I don't mean any harm! I am simply a bounty hunter! My name is Captain Richard Venables!

Bob: (Slowly sliding her sword back into its scabbard) And who exactly are you hunting, may I ask?

Venables: I am currently tracking a few high profile criminals.

Bob: How interesting...

(Moon is careful to keep her hood hiding her face.)

Venables: Perhaps you have seen them in your travels? They are thought to he hiding somewhere in town.

(Venables rummages through his black messenger bag for several pieces of parchment.)

Venables: (Showing Moon) I am searching for several persons, but there is one in particular. Captain Bobby Moon: She is a murderer and pirate, among other things.

Bob: Interesting...

Scene 4

(Venables continues to speak indistinctly about his bounty hunting activities. Then, Moon's pirate comrades return from their night out, strolling into the camp. They are all giggling wildly, having drank quite bit of rum at King's Arm.)

Bill: (Laughing) You really missed a good time!

Basil: (Giggling like a schoolgirl) Yeah, Moon! We had a blast! Hey, who's this? (Pointing toward Venables)

(Venables' eyes suddenly go wide.)

Venables: What did he just call y...?

(Moon and Venables suddenly spring to their feet, drawing their blades. They begin circling each other around the fire. The other pirates draw weapons as well, mostly unaware of what is happening.)

Venables: You had me going there for a while. If your friend hadn't tripped up, you could have gotten away clean.

Bob: Yes, he has a tendency to be an imbecile.

Basil: (In an offended tone) HEY!

(Bob shrugs.)

Venables: You know that I cannot allow you lot to escape. The victims of your crimes deserve justice!

Pistol: As do the victims of the crimes committed by the EITC!

(Dramatic pause.)

Hermit: (Turning to Pistol) That was pretty nice: Dramatic, yet forceful and badass!

Pistol: Yes, that's what I was going for!

(All of the pirate crack up, as Venables gives them a confused stare. Then, the rebels maintain their composure and return to the confrontation. All of the rebels begin to approach Venables.)

Basil: You'd better watch yourself, mate. We have a crazy team attack coming your way...

(Suddenly, a wild Hermit appears from behind Venables. The Hermit then proceeds to knock Venables out cold with a large mallet.)

Basil: Or we could do that... That works too...

(Hermit and Pistol bind the bounty hunter's hands and feet with a rope as the others try to decide what to do with the captive.)

Scene 5

(A few moments later, Venables awakens. He is tied to a tree and gagged. The rebel camp is deserted and there are no signs that anyone was ever there.)

- Set Change to Faithful Bride Tavern -

(The rebels are all sitting around a table.)

Bob: Now that the EITC knows we're here, we have to leave Tortuga.

Bill: But where are we going to leave to? Port Royal is too risky.

Bob: Maybe we could rough it on a deserted island?

Pistol: Wait! Wait just one second!

(Everyone looks up.)

Pistol: Hermit, do you have that thing? The thing from the guy?

Hermit: What thing?

Pistol: (jumping up and down) THE THING!!!!!!

Hermit: OHHHH, the THING!!! Yes, I have it here!

(Hermit opens his bag and pulls out a folded up piece of parchment.)

Pistol: There, the thing!!

(The three cops stare at Jack and Hermit in confusion.)

Pistol: So we were sitting in King's Arm earlier tonight...

Hermit: And there was this weird guy in a black cloak.

Pistol: He told us that he was familiar with our predicament.

Hermit: And he wanted to help us out, so he gave us this here map.

(Hermit opens the parchment to reveal a faded map.)

Pistol: Aye, he said it leads to the lair of a mystical man who can help us unlock the ultimate power to destroy the EITC!

Basil: It seems to be worth a shot!

Bob: Yes, but where does the map start?

Pistol: On the shores of one Padres del Fuego!

Bill: That is quite far, but I think we can make it. And you guys didn't recognize the man who had the map?

Hermit: No, we never saw his face. He seemed genuine enough.

Bob: Alright, then it's settled. We'll stay in a tavern room upstairs for the night and leave for Padres del Fuego at first light tomorrow!

Scene 6

(Jeremiah Garland is sitting at his desk in Fort Charles. Suddenly a shadowy figure creeps in from the balcony and sits on top of a wardrobe.)

Garland: (Hearing the noise and spinning around) Who is there?!

(Benjamin MacMorgan's face is revealed in the candlelight.)

Benjy: It's just me, old buddy!

Garland: (Drawing his sabre) We are not old friends! Or new friends! Or any kind of friends for that matter!

Benjy: Well that isn't at all nice.

(Benjamin chuckles while breaking a walnut open with a large mallet.)

Garland: (Swinging his sabre at Benjamin) I'm sorry if I'm not in the greatest mood after you sent me a vegetable army, my friend was murdered, and the pirates responsible are still on the loose!!

Benjy: No need to be so snippy, Mr. Sour-Puss.

(Garland's swinging blade grazes Benjamin's leg as Benjy dodges the next blow.)

Garland: I AM NOT SNIPPY!!!

Benjy: Speaking of 'ole Emperor Caesar, he is very upset about the burning of his salad palace.

Garland: So he isn't upset about being locked in the dungeon? Only about his palace?

Benjy: Well he doesn't have to worry about that part anymore!

(Benjamin cackles as he tosses some opened shackles on Jeremiah's desk.)

Garland: How do you always sneak out of the asylum and complete these deeds without being seen or captured?!

Benjy: (Cackling) It seems that I am just that good.

(A ruckus is heard from outside the office door.)

Benjy: (Running off to the balcony) That's my cue!

(Benjamin sticks his head back into the room.)

Benjy: And Jeremiah, the rebels aren't done yet. Not by a longshot...

(Benjamin lobs a walnut at Jeremiah and his cackle fades away into the night.)

Garland: What a man...

Scene 7

(It is almost morning and all of the rebels are asleep in the tavern boardroom. Suddenly, everyone is awoken by the sound of a commotion outside.)

Bill: What is that?

(Bob sneaks out onto the balcony and looks over to see a group of about twenty EITC soldiers.)

Bob: (Quietly) Yeah, there is an EITC death squad out there, and I don't think they came just to say hello.

(One of the soldiers coincidentally looks up and meets eyes with Moon. The soldier points and yells to get the attention of the others. They begin storming into the downstairs of the tavern.)

Bob: (Grabbing her bag) We're gonna have company in about thirty seconds... Time to roll!

(The rebels run out to the balcony and hear a pounding on the locked door. They all are trying to decide where to go.)

Basil: Here! Follow me!

(Basil climbs up on the balcony railing and pulls himself onto the roof. The other pirates follow. They climb to a low section on the other side of the building and slide off. They begin to run toward the docks in search of a ship.)

Pistol: Now how are we supposed to get out of here?

Hermit: Yeah, we don't actually have a ship... We should have thought of that before...

Bob: Well we're spur-of-the-moment people! I'll get us a ship!

Bill: We don't have enough gold to buy a decent ship of our own.

Bob: Who said anything about buying? We're pirates, remember?

(Bill has an uneasy look on his face. Meanwhile, the group arrives at the docks and gazes upon the hundreds of ships in port.)

Bob: Okay, Basil! Pick out one you like!

Basil: (Jumping up and down) Oh goodie!

(Basil's eyes lock on a large merchant vessel.)

Basil: That one... 0_0

Bob: (With a mischievous grin) Challenge accepted.

(Bob heads toward the merchant ship and the other rebels start to follow.)

Bob: (Calling them off) Nah, I got this.

(Moon runs up onto the ship, acting casually. Suddenly, yells and then splashes can be heard. Then, Moon gestures to her friends.)

Pistol: I'll never understand that girl... 0_0

Hermit: Trust me, you don't want to!

Scene 8

(The three EITC lords are talking in Oldy's office of Fort Charles. They are disappointed by the lack of progress in the pirate hunt.)

Garland: We have posters and troops posted throughout the entire Caribbean, and NOTHING! No captures, or even sightings for that matter!

Oldtimbers: Patience! It is only a matter of time! The other squabbling pirates will rat these rebels out as soon as they see the reward!

Bane: Indeed! We will have the pirates' heads handed to us on silver platters.

Oldtimbers: Yes, what a wonderful picture you have painted, Caddius!

Garland: Unfortunately I am losing my patience! Have you forgotten that these animals murdered Lord Coaleaston, in cold blood!

Oldtimbers: (Sipping tea) We know, Jeremiah! All we did was attack the rebel stronghold, kill a few people, and threaten their entire way of life, and they found it perfectly okay to attack our officers!

Bane: Sickening!

(There is a knock at the door. A courier enters with a letter for Lord Garland. He reads it quickly and begins to summarize it for the other lords.)

Garland: The rebels have been spotted in Tortuga!... But they were narrowly missed by EITC troops. They have fled by boat to presumably a nearby island. We are close now, gents!

Bane: I can almost taste justice! We cannot be stopped now! Nothing could possibly go wrong!

(Oldy turns to Bane.)

Oldtimbers: Have you ever noticed that whenever you say anything like that, we completely fail?!

Garland: My god, Bane! Now you've screwed us all! YOU HAD ONE JOB!!

(Oldy and Garland storm out of the room in a huff.)

Bane: (Shouting back) I'M SORRY!! :( I will fix it, see? WE WILL FAIL, WE WILL FAIL, WE WILL FAIL!!...

(Bane continues to chant and he receives strange looks from officers passing by the door.)

INTERMISSION

Act 2

Template:Empty section

Scene 1

(The rebels arrive in their "borrowed" ship at Padres del Fuego.)

Bob: (To Hermit) Lead the way!

Hermit: (Pulling out the map) To get to the lair, we have to cross through an EITC quarry...

Bill: Convenient how you're just mentioning this now!

(Hermit shrugs.)

Hermit: I figured I'd come up with something on the way here!

Basil: Well have you come up with a plan?

Hermit: (Grinning) Of course.

Bob & Hermit: (At the same time) DISGUISES!

(The rebels trek to Adoria Dolores' tailor shop to buy some new threads. They stroll out in a line in frilly women's dresses... Except for Bob, who is rocking some breeches and a false mustache.)

Bob: (Chuckling) You guys make some really ugly chicks.

Basil: Well you make a really hideous... Actually... With that mustache, I might take you out for scones some time ;)

Bob & Everyone: 0_o...

(The rebels head off toward the entrance to Beckett's Quarry. There are two guards outside with large muskets.)

Bill: We'll take care of this...

(Bill and Basil reach for their pistols.)

Bob: Not yet, ladies! I don't want to engage this early.

(Bob pulls a grenade from her pocket and throws it towards the gypsy stand adjacent to the quarry opening.)

Pistol: (Whispering) Fire in the hole!

(The grenade explodes, causing the quarry guards to rush in the direction of the explosion.)

Hermit: GO GO GO!!

(The rebels rush into the quarry, holding up their dresses to avoid tripping.)

Scene 2

Bob: Now all we have to do is act casual, and we'll be fine..

(Bob and the "ladies" continue down the lantern-lit tunnel. Hermit consults the map and directs the group to the left.)

Hermit: It's this way.

(The rebels continue in silence until a voice yells out from the shadows ahead.)

Veteran: WHO GOES THERE?!

Basil: Well that's an original line.

Pistol: These EITC blokes aren't too creative.

Bob: (Whispering harshly) Quiet! I'm the man here, I'll handle this!

(The guys all look down at their dress disguises.)

Bill: Crap! She's right!

(The guys take out their fans and start to fan themselves.)

Bob: (Attempting a deeper voice) Good day, my dear fellow.

Veteran: This is a restricted area! Who are you? What is your name?

Bob: My name?

(Bob turns back to the other rebels.)

Bob: He wants to know my name?!

(The guys giggle behind their fans.)

Veteran: I'm waiting, sir...

Bob: (Scoffing) I am Ybbob... Beckett!

Veteran: Ybbob Beckett?

Bob: Indeed, my good man. I am the son of one Lord Cutler Beckett.

(Confusion crosses the soldier's face.)

Bob: (Curling the ends of her false mustache) Perhaps you've heard of him?

Veteran: Of course I have... I just was not aware he had a son...

Bob: Well he must, because here I am, Captain. I decided to come down to my father's quarry to show a few of my... Err.. Lady friends around!

(Hermit bats his eyelashes and waves to the soldier.)

Veteran: (His eyes bulging) I see...

Bob: Now I appreciate that you are vigilant at your job, but I would really hate to report to Lord Cutler Beckett that his own son was denied access to an EITC area!

Veteran: (Still uneasy) Very well then... Carry on!

Bob: Thank you very much, sir.

(As soon as the soldier turns his back, the rebels begin to sprint toward the entrance to Lava Gorge.)

Scene 3

(The rebels appear in a rocky area surrounded by lava-falls. They follow the directions on the map and reach a dead end.)

Basil: (Looking around) So this is it? This is the end of the map?

Pistol: Yeah! Where's the big red 'X'?!

Bill: There's gotta be something else here.

(Bill begins looking around for a clue.)

Hermit: HAVE NO FEAR! Hermit shall solve this mystery!!

(Bob lies down on a comfortable-looking rock.)

Bob: Yeah, you guys have got the searching under control. I'll supervise.

(The rebels, besides Bob, search for a few minutes.)

Basil: (Sitting down with a huff) This is hopeless!

Bill: Yeah Hermit, the map must be wrong.

Hermit: (In a Sirius Black moment) THE MAP NEVER LIES!!!

Pistol: You keep looking then. We'll take a break.

(Everyone sits down except Hermit, who continues searching, smacking the walls with his large walking stick.)

Bill: You probably won't even be able to find any hidden clue, Hermit. There might not even be anything to find!

Basil: The hooded man could have lied, or someone else could have gotten here first.

Bob: Or the guru could have died long ago!

Hermit: No, THE MAN WILL BE FOUND!!

Bill: How can you be so sure?

Hermit: (Smacking his walking stick on a rock) BECAUSE HERMIT WILLS IT!!!!

(Suddenly the rock that Hermit struck glows an amber color. The lava flowing down the back wall stops running and a panel of rock rises to reveal a hidden cavern. The rebels stand staring at the entrance to the secret lair.)

Bob: Damn.

Hermit: HUZZAHHHHH!!!

(The pirates creep into the cave, which is dimly lit by torches.)

Bill: (Looking around) What is this place?

(Suddenly columns of lava explode fifty yards into the cave. A giant shadow appears on the back wall of the cavern.)

Sparka: (Voice coming from no where) THIS... IS... SPARKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 4

(The pirates approach the shadow and notice a strange man sitting on a large pillow cross legged.)

Sparka: GENTLEMEN AND... Lady? I AM THE ALL POWERFUL...

Pistol: Dude, you don't have to yell... We're right here!

Sparka: Oh... Of course! I am the all powerful guru Albertus Sparka! I am the master of all things mystical, sketchy, and uncomfortable!

Bill: That's great and all, but how is the umcomfortable supposed to hel...

(Bill is interrupted when Albertus pulls out a giant feather and smacks Bill in the mouth with it.)

Sparka: SILENCE!!!

Hermit: (To Bill) Shut it. You should never offend anyone who controls the mystical, and more importantly the sketchy and uncomfortable!

(Bill's eyes go wide at the mention of the uncomfortable.)

Bill: (Bowing down) I apologize oh great master.

Sparka: (Confused) Oh what the hey, I'll take it!

Bob: Mr. Sparka, we come asking for your assistance.

Sparka: So this wasn't just a friendly visit? It is true that they always want something...

Pistol: A British menace plagues the Caribbean!

Basil: They oppress our freedom and hoard all of our scones!

(Sparka is confused about the scones.)

Bob: We call upon you, Albertus Sparka to grant us all the power to destroy our enemy!

(There is an echo on Bob's last word and then silence. The quiet is then broken by loud chewing. Everyone turns to Basil.)

Basil: (With scone crumbs dribbling from his mouth) What? All this adventuring is making me tired!

(Bill facepalms. Suddenly, a bongo drum beat is heard coming from nowhere.)

Sparka: What is that noise?!

(Then, a wild SSWJ appears from behind a rock with his headdress and spear! He grabs the scone out of Basil's mouth.)

SSWJ: LOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!!!!!

(The SSWJ runs through the entrance to the cave.)

Basil: Aww come on!! I thought we were past all this!

Sparka: Who in Sparka's name was that?

Bob: It's not important! So are you going to help us or not?!

Sparka: First, we must see if you all are worthy...

Scene 5

Bob: Well I personally think that we're pretty worthy, so if you could just grant us the magical power, we could be on our way...

Sparka: SILENCE!!! You must first complete a few challenges!

Bill: Like what?

Sparka: First, you must leave this place and go through the jungle of El Suduron! Find the skeleton general known as Darkhart and bring me back whatever you find in his pockets!

Pistol: What are we supposed to find?

Sparka: No time to discuss that! JUST MAKE WITH THE GOING!

Bill: You can't really expect us to find something if you won't tell us what it is?

Sparka: Of course I can, because THIS IS SPARKA!!

(The rebels clear out of the cavern and head toward El Suduron and General Darkhart. Guru Sparka is left alone on stage.)

Sparka: It's so nice to have visitors. It would be pity if they don't survive their encounter with my bony enemy.

(Sparka's eyes shift around the stage from side to side.)

Sparka: And I'm talking to myself again... Maybe I should get myself a cat or a hobby or something... Being an all powerful guru can be quite lonely... Mostly due to the fact that I live in a cave inside a volcano...

Audience: Awwwwwwww :(

Sparka: Thank you, sympathetic voices from nowhere! Oh great, now I'm hearing voices... I don't want to end up in an asylum like my good friend Benjamin...

(Sparka begins to walk offstage.)

Sparka: Maybe I'll see the dockworker about getting that cat...

Scene 6

(The rebels trek through the jungle and reach the area where Darkhart hangs out. They peer around a rocky corner and lay eyes on the menace.)

Bill: Okay, we need a plan to take the object from his pocket.

Bob: What kind of plan will succeed against that thing? I say we charge in and wing it.

Hermit: (Looking over his shoulder) I think Basil already is!

(Basil is walking up to the skeletal monster.)

Basil: Hey, buddy!

(Darkhart turns around and glares at Basil with his empty eye sockets.)

Basil: Yeah, you!

Darkhart: Garr?

Basil: Hey, I was just wondering if you could empty your pockets and hand me whatever's in them? No big deal...

(Darkhart hisses and flings dirt at Basil.)

Basil: (Wiping the dirt from his face) So that's a no?

Darkhart: (Drawing his sword) RAWWWWWRR!!!!

Basil: OKAY, DEFINITE NO!!

Bob: CHARGE!!!

(The other pirates run in to go help Basil.. Darkhart also draws his throwing knives and mercilessly assaults his opponents.)

Pistol: Nice attempt, but I don't think that this guy is the talking type!

Basil: Yeah, I quickly am figuring that out!

(The pirates continue attacking to no avail.)

Bob: Taking this beast out isn't going to be easy!

Hermit: I'll handle it. Bob, cover me.

(Hermit begins to sneak behind Darkhart while Bob distracts the skeleton with her rain of daggers. Hermit jumps on Darkhart's back and wraps his hands around his bony neck. Darkhart tries to shake Hermit off while dodging Bob's attack.)

Bob: Whatever your plan is, hurry up! I'm running out of knives!

Hermit: I got it...

(Hermit pulls a stun grenade out of his ammo pouch and lodges it in Darkhart's empty eye socket. Then, he jumps off the villain's back and begins running.)

Hermit: RUN!!!!

(The pirates sprint away from the area and take cover. The grenade detonates, scattering debris and bones everywhere. Jack finds Darkhart's torso and retrieves the items from his pockets, including a pair of dice, an old yoyo, a few pieces of gold, and a discount coupon for Ratskellar.)

Bill: We fought an eight foot tall skeleton monster for this crap?

Basil: I guess so?

(The pieces of bone begin to shudder and reconnect.)

Bob: Let's just get out of here before he reforms.

Pistol: Yes, I don't expect he'll be very happy.

(The rebels head back toward Sparka's lair.)

Scene 7

(The pirates return to Sparka's lair to find him lying on a golden throne, drinking a beverage, while chatting to a group of giggling women.)

Sparka: (Chuckling) Oh, you ladies are too kind!

(Albertus takes another sip of his drink.)

Pistol: Ahem...

Sparka: (Looking up and noticing that the pirates have returned) Oh hello! I wasn't expecting you people back so soon...

Bob: Clearly...

Sparka: (To his lady friends) We'll have to catch up later, ladies.

(The random women exit the lair.)

Sparka: The whole "master of the mystical" thing is a great pick-up line. Remember that, gentlemen!

(The rebels are really weirded out, to say the least.)

Sparka: So, what do you have for me?

Basil: I don't know if this is really what you're looking for...

Hermit: (Presenting the items) Yeah, it's a load of crap...

(Sparka looks through the items and snatches the old yo-yo.)

Sparka: CRAP?! How dare you!

(Albertus slaps Hermit with a random trout.)

Hermit: 0_o

Sparka: (Beginning to yo-yo) This is my lucky yo-yo! That bastard Darkhart stole it from me after I lost a game of poker. He rigged it, I SWEAR!

Bob: You play poker wih a demonic skeleton?

Sparka: Only on Thursdays. But I thank you all for returning my most prized possession!

Bill: Not to be rude, but where is the ultimate power that we were promised?

Sparka: Of course! Silly me, I had almost forgotten. But the power is not here!

Basil: Then where is it?

Sparka: Where else, but the most cursed island in the Caribbean!

Bob: Raven's Cove.

Sparka: Indeed! Pack your things, kids! We're taking a trip!

Scene 8

(The rebels and Albertus leave the lair and end up back in Beckett's Quarry. Before turning around a corner, Bob stops the group because she hears voices.)

Veteran: No, nothing really was out of the ordinary today. No unauthorized individuals tried to enter the area. I think you received a false tip, sir.

Venables: My tip seemed fairly reliable. An EITC informant saw the criminals in this area! So no one at all entered this quarry today?

Veteran: Well a few people actually did, but it was only Ybbob Beckett and a few of his lady friends, haha.

Venables: (Confused) Who?

Veteran: Lord Beckett's son, of course!

Venables: Lord Beckett does not have a son... Nor is he even married...

Veteran: 0_0

Venables: (Calling to his men) Search the area! They can't have gotten far!

(The thugs begin to spread out and the pirates look to each other to decide what to do.)

Sparka: (Whispering) Fear not! I have a plan, friends! I'll get us out of here!

(Sparka takes a small black stone from his pocket and throws it to the ground.)

Sparka: FOR SPARKA!!!!!!

(The stone explodes into powder and covers the group in dust. The thugs hear the noise and run toward it.)

Sparka: (Coughing) Well that didn't go exactly as planned... We were supposed to disappear...

(The thugs charge at the now dirty pirates.)

Bob: WEAPONS!!

(The rebels draw their swords and pistols and begin to defend themselves against the oncoming attack.)

Venables: (Swinging his sword at Bob) So we meet again!

Bob: Sadly, being tied unconscious to a tree did not phase you.

(By now, everyone onstage is involved in the scuffle.)

Venables: No, it just made me angry.

Hermit: Well we promise, we'll take more extreme measures this time!

Venables: But you will fail! Richard Venables always gets his man!

Bob: Well I'm a woman, so your argument is invalid! SUCK IT!

(Bill, Basil, and Jack fire their pistols, wounding several thugs. As soon as the enemies fall, new soldiers move in to replace them.)

Pistol: Why is it that we're always outnumbered?

Basil: I don't know, but it's getting pretty old...!

(Albertus continues to dig through his pockets.)

Sparka: (Pulling out another black stone) I FOUND IT!

(He throws the stone and the rebels disappear from the stage.)

Venables: (Looking around) Where did they go?! These scumbags!!

(Venables and his men march off the stage to search.)

INTERMISSION

Act 3

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Scene 1

(The rebels are back on their "borrowed" ship, headed for the mystical island of Raven's Cove.)

Bill: It's a miracle that the EITC didn't discover our ship.

Bob: We got damn lucky.

Hermit: Too lucky...

(Suddenly, water begins splashing up over the side of the ship.)

Pistol: It's getting stormy out here...

Basil: (Gesturing toward Sparka) Are you sure we should be letting him drive?

(Sparka looks like a madman at the helm, spinning the wheel in all directions.)

Bob: Unfortunately, he's the only one who knows how to get to Raven's Cove from here.

(The ship takes another sharp turn around a large rock.)

Pistol: (Running toward the side of the ship) I'm going to be sick!!

(Dark clouds begin to roll in from the western sky. Bob checks her compass.)

Bob: His steering is only going to get worse if we travel through a storm. It looks like we'll have to take a detour... Right past Port Royal.

Basil: So you're telling me that a storm has conveniently been conjured up to force all of us to sail past the island stronghold of our enemies, in order to add additional conflict to the plotline of this play that I'm not supposed to know that I'm in?

Bob: Exactly.

Basil: Wow, this playwright really sucks!

Bob: (Scoffing) What a rookie!

Bill: Wait, we're in a play?? 0_o

(Awkward pause. Then, action resumes like nothing ever happened.)

Bob: Mr. Sparka, I suggest that you change our heading to avoid this storm!

Sparka: A new route will multiply our risk one-hundred times over, but I suppose it's better than being shipwrecked.

(Sparka spins the wheel all the way to the right, causing the vomiting Pistol to be hit by the flying sail. He is knocked overboard into the surf. The rebels laugh for a good ten minutes until they pull him in with a life ring that is conveniently on the deck.)

Scene 2

(The rebels continue sailing until Port Royal comes into distant view.)

Bob: There it is...

Bill: We've just got to keep our heads down until we pass the island safely.

(The rebels continue on until their view is blocked by a medium-sized uninhabited island.)

Pistol: All is quiet. I think we could actually pull this off.

(Sparka steers the ship around the random island until Port Royal comes into a clearer view. Now, the pirates can also see a massive EITC blockade extending across their planned route.)

Basil: I think you spoke too soon, Jackie... So what do we do now?

Sparka: If we turn back now, we'll look suspicious and they'll send ships after us anyway.

Bob: I guess we'll just have to play it cool and get through somehow.

Bill: How do you suppose we'll do that?

Bob: Well the EITC won't recognize Sparka's face as much as one of ours. He'll be the captain of our fake merchant ship.

Pistol: Aye, we still have the cargo of the men we "borrowed" the ship from!

Basil: We'll need some merchant disguises for the rest of us, and Bob, you'll have to be a dude.

Bob: (Tucking her hair into a tricorn she find on deck) Already on it.

(The rebels all alter their dress to make themselves look more presentable. Meanwhile, the ship approaches the blockade.)

Bill: Ok, let's sell this people!

(The viewpoint changes from the rebels to the EITC soldiers who are on a flagship in the middle of the blockade.)

Garland: Lord Goldtimbers, how effective do you think this blockade will really be? Won't the pirate scum avoid Port Royal?

Oldtimbers: To reach any inhabited pirate isle, our enemies will have to cross this area eventually.

Bane: Indeed. No oncoming ships have made obvious turn-arounds. They will not get away this time.

Garland: These oceans are growing smaller, and our opposers will not survive much longer.

(Another ship passes through the narrow gap that is present between the flagship and an officers ship.)

Oldtimbers: Our men on the other ship are specially trained to spot pirates in disguise. They will alert us if they suspect any trickery.

(The rebels' ship sails up and approaches the flagship. The men from the officers' ship begin talking to Albertus.)

Scene 3

(Sparka and the guards finish their indistinct conversation and the rebel ship is waved on. The fake merchant crew runs about the ship to assist the captain in disembarking.)

Bill: (Quietly) I think we're in the clear...

(On the officer's ship, Garland supervises his men at work. As they wave on another ship, he stares at its stern for no particular reason.)

Garland: I have an odd feeling about that one...

Bane: Eh, it's probably nothing!

Oldtimbers: It's just a merchant ship, Jeremiah. I think you are becoming a bit paranoid!

Bane: Indeed! I mean honestly Garland, what could possibly g...

Garland: DON'T EVEN SAY IT, CADDIUS! NOT AGAIN!!

Bane: (His face goes blank) I'm sorry... 0_o

(Bane runs below deck to think about what he's done.)

Garland: Hmmm...

(Garland glances up at the merchant ship again, suddenly connecting eyes with a young deckhand who is standing at the stern. His grey-blue eyes study Garland with a cautious suspicion.)

Oldtimbers: (Putting his arm around Jeremiah) Mr. Garland, I fear that you are becoming obsessive.

Garland: (Muttering to himself) Maybe I am losing my mind...

(Garland takes one last look up at the distancing ship when there is suddenly a large gust of wind. The breeze blows the tricorn off the head of the young deckhand, revealing her blonde braid. She quickly drops to the deck and out of sight, but it is too late.)

Garland: They're here...

(Garland runs to the flagship's large bronze bell and rings it to get the attention of the other soldiers.)

Garland: (Pointing) IT'S THEM!! THEY'RE HERE!!!

Scene 4

(The rebel ship continues to flee as the EITC vessels turns to begin their pursuit.)

Bob: Time for Plan B?

Bill: I would say so...

Bob: Great, what exactly is Plan B?

Bill: I'm still working on that.

Hermit: This ship was built for speed, not a fight. We've only got two cannons.

Basil: Maybe if we find some stale scones, we could throw them...

Pistol: (Interrupting Basil) We need a real plan here!

(The EITC cannons begin to open fire.)

Hermit: BRACE YOURSELVES!

Bob: (Yelling to the helm) Sparka, keep sailing toward our destination.

Sparka: Aye. I shall valiantly protect our ship, because THIS.... IS...

Basil: (Interrupting) Alright, we get it! Just calm it down.

Bob: Hermit and Pistola, get on the two cannons and see what you can do with some fury!

Hermit: WE SHALL DESTROY THIS HERETICS!!

Pistol: We'll do what we can because... (Singing) IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!

Basil: Sorry Jackie, but this still isn't a musical...

(Pistol goes to his cannon in defeat. He and Hermit begin firing as the enemy draws closer. The EITC shots begin to hit the hull.)

Bill: Basil and I can try to pick a few of them off with some grenades.

Basil: I've got a whole pouch left.

(They run toward the side of the ship. Bob is standing alone in the center of the deck.)

Bob: (To self) And I'll look for anything below deck that we can use.

(Moon quickly heads down the stairs into the cargo hold.)

Scene 5

(Below deck, Bob is surrounded by hundreds of wooden crates. She opens one with a nearby crowbar and is shocked by its contents.)

Bob: (To self) This merchant ship, it's filled with... JOHNNY GOLDTIMBERS BOBBLE-HEADS!!

(She tosses the crowbar.)

Bob: (To self) Well these are useless as weapons!

(A cannonball breaks through the hull, only a few feet from where Bob is standing.)

Bob: Crap, I've got to get out of here.

~ Set Change to Above-Deck ~

(Cannonballs are flying and both ships are on fire.)

Hermit: I'm running out of cannonballs... How many have you got left, Jackie?

Pistol: Only eight.

Hermit: We're gonna have to finish this thing soon.

Bill: (Running over) Basil and I are out of grenades. (Yelling) Sparka, can you get us out of here?

Sparka: (In bad pirate accent) Arggg, it shall be difficult. That landlubber ship be fast as well.

Basil: (Entering) Why the hell is he talking like that?

(Everyone shrugs.)

Sparka: (Normal Voice) Hold them off as long as possible. If you sink them, I'll definitely be able to maneuver out of here!

Pistol: (Firing) Alright, sounds good.

Basil: Wait, where's Bob? Shouldn't she be back by now?

Bill: She's probably fine, creating a doomsday device or something down there.

~ Set Change to Cargo Hold ~

(Most of the cargo hold is now ablaze. Bob trys to find her way back out through the smoke.)

Bob: (Coughing) Now where the hell are the stairs?

(Suddenly another round of cannonballs tears through the hull, destroying the stairs and causing a violent spray of debris. Bob is knocked unconscious by flying shrapnel.)

Scene 6

(The set changes back to the EITC ship, which is also on fire. The lords are shouting orders to their crew.)

Garland: Keep firing, men! They are almost sunk!

Oldtimbers: I'm afraid we are too, Lord Garland!

Bane: (Panicked) Yes, the gunners are running out of ammo quickly! Perhaps we should abandon the ship for safety?

Garland: NO! We shall destroy these pirate scum!

Oldtimbers: Jeremiah, I urge you to see reason...

(Oldy is suddenly interrupted by the destruction of the entire front of the ship. The three lords stare in shock.)

Garland: (Wide-eyed) Perhaps we should leave the ship now, gents.

Bane & Oldtimbers: Aye!

(The lords and their crew evacuate their burning vessel on lifeboats just before the pirates' last cannonball sinks the entire ship.)

~~Set Change to the Rebel Ship~~

Hermit: HELL YES!!

Sparka: NONE SHALL DEFEAT SPARKA!!!!

Bill: Now, get us the hell out of here before the entire ship burns to a crisp!

Pistol: To Raven's Cove we go!

(The ship heads away from the scene of the battle, barely staying afloat.)

Basil: Someone should probably go get Bob, now that she doesn't need to make a doomsday device. I'll be right back!

(Basil heads below deck to find Moon as Raven's Cove finally comes into view.)

Bill: Finally, there she is.

Sparka: Ah, Raven's Cove! I have not been to the magnificent island in some time. But I remember the last time, I met a beautiful lass named Bess! She was quite the tiger...

Pistol: (Interupting) WELL, I think that's enough of that!

(The sound of cannonfire is suddenly heard. A large EITC warship comes out of nowhere and begins tearing through the rebels' hull before anyone can react.)

Bill: My God, where did they come from?!

Hermit: Holy crap, that's the HMS Hunter! It's an EITC bounty ship. I don't know of any rebels that have been able to escape it!

Pistol: Well we have to try, don't we?

Hermit: We're almost sunk as it is! I don't think we're getting out of this one. I think it's time to abandon ship.

Bill: NO, we can't just give up!

Hermit: But if we jump now, there's a chance that we can survive to fight another day. There's nothing wrong with that!

Sparka: What about the two below deck?

Pistol: I'll go warn them, the rest of you go...

(Pistol is cut off by the loud sound of a cannonball tearing through the last of the hull. The flaming ship explodes and begins to sink.)

Scene 7

(EITC lords on the HMS Hunter.)

Bane: Okay, there's NO way that the rebel scum could have survived that!

Oldtimbers: Caddius, why do you always make statements like that? THEY ALWAYS BACKFIRE ON US!

Garland: For once, I think he may be right. That was a pretty major explosion.

Bane: Yes, I am right! Let's leave this place now, and return to our fancy fort.

Oldtimbers: Indeed, I could use a spot of tea. PIP PIP, CHEERIO!

~~Set Change to Shore of Raven's Cove~~

(Bill, soaked, wakes up alone in the sand.)

Bill: GUYS?!?

(He gets up and begins searching for his friends. He sees an unconscious form and runs toward it.)

Bill: HEY!

(Bill turns the form on it's side to reveal Sparka, and he begins slapping his face.)

Bill: Sparka!! Oh god, he can't be dead... (Checking his pulse) He's still hanging on, but barely. I really don't want to do this, but it's my only choice.

(Bill leans in to give Sparka CPR, when he suddenly jumps awake and coughs up seawater.)

Sparka: WOAHHH! You wanna get that close, and you've gotta buy me dinner first, toots!

Bill: (Embarrassed) I was trying to save your life!

Sparka: (Ignoring Bill's excuses) Where are the others?

Bill: I don't know. You're the only person I could find.

Hermit: (Down the beach) HEYYY!

Bill: Hermit, you're alive! Have you seen anyone else?

Hermit: (Approaching) I haven't seen Basil or Bob, bbbut... Jackie Pistola is dead.

(Silent moment)

Bill: What happened?

Hermit: We were both caught under debris from the ship. He got me out and I got to the surface. He was injured pretty bad when he made me go, there's no way I could have saved him.

Bill: Then he died a valiant death. (Pause.) He would have wanted us to continue on.

Sparka: (Pointing out to sea) HEY, LOOK! IT'S THEM!

(Quite a distance out, Basil and Bob are floating on a raft made of broken ship scraps. Both are bloodied up pretty badly, but they eventually paddle to shore.)

Bob: Well that was hell. Let's agree never to do that again.

Basil: Can I get some comfort scones in this place.

(The friends inaudibly chatter for a few seconds. Bob and Basil are told about Jackie.)

Hermit: We must complete our mission here! Which way, Mighty Guru?

Sparka: Mighty Guru? I think I like the sound of that... I DECREE THAT FROM THIS MOMENT FORTH, I AM ONLY TO BE REFERRED TO AS MIGHTY GURU LORD MASTER SPARKA OF THE GREAT LAND OF SPARKA!

Bill: (Rolling eyes) Yea, sure. Now which way?

Sparka: (Disappointed) Of course. Follow me, follow me.

(The band follows Sparka toward some haunted-looking caves.)

Scene 8

(The rebels enter the caves and are swarmed by ghosts.)

Bill: AHHHH! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?!

Sparka: These things are why you need me, MASTER GURU SPARKAAA, god of the mystical!

(The rebels swat at the ghosts and run into a small cavern. The cavern has a strange idol on an altar in the back.)

Rebels: AHHHH!

(Sparka stops in his tracks and his eyes begin glowing.)

Sparka: My translucent friends, leave us now! Your master commands you to leave your posts and reveal the great power to me, THE LORD OF THE MYSTICAL, SKETCHY, AND UNCOMFORTABLE!

(Suddenly, the ghosts begin to float away at Sparka's command.)

Bob: Dude, that's awesome! How did you...

Sparka: (Interrupting) SILENCE! I HAVE NOT FINISHED!

(Bob goes silent.)

Sparka: THIIIIIIIIIS ISSSSSSSSS SPARKAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

(Suddenly, the altar and idol explode, revealing an old wooden chest.)

Sparka: Okay, this is it!

Basil: Is the chest full of scones? Lots of scones?

Bill: Basil, I'm pretty sure that the ultimate magical power of the universe is not a chest full of scones. Wait, it isn't, right?

Sparka: Ye.... I mean NO!

(Hermit approaches and opens the chest.)

Hermit: Woah, it's not scones! (Dramatic pause) IT'S MAGIC BLING!

(Hermit lifts up a handful of magic amulets.)

Sparka: Yes, they are the almighty Amulets of Pwnage! They give the wearers several different special abilities, depending on the person. I shall bestow them upon you, and you shall have the power to destroy the EITC and RETURN FREEDOM TO THE CARIBBEAN! Worthy heroes, prepare yourself for the Pwnage...

(Lights fade and curtain closes.)

TO BE CONTINUED...

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