|Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop|
|Publication date||November 4, 2011|
|Published by||Full Moon Corp.|
| Preceded by|
| Followed by|
The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly
Play Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing!)
- Bobby Moon (well I wrote it.... So yeah...)
- STORMWALKER YEAHH BUDDYY
- Lord Cad Bane
- Jason Shiprat
- Love it, Sincerely Sam Hookrage!
- Lord Jeremiah Garland (the Bullfrog)
Summary of Play
An EITC spy infiltrates the rebel camp on Tortuga! What is the spy looking for? When both Bad Cop ( Bill Plunderbones), and Good Cop (Basil Bridgebane) can't break the suspect, they call in the Bob Cop (Bobby Moon) to assist them!
This play is a comedy! If you accept a role, expect to be made fun of for humorous purposes! If you are a reader, reading this play could cause any of the following:
- Uncontrollable laughter
- Laughing to death
- Awkward facial expressions
- Emotional scarring for the remainder of your life
- Bad Cop- Bill Plunderbones
- Good Cop- Basil Bridgebane
- Bob Cop- Bob Moon
- EITC Spy- Davy Hookwrecker
Rebels in Camp:
- Rebel 1- Halle
- Rebel 2- Johnny Sea Slasher
- Rebel 3- Capt. Lannon
- Rebel 4- Jack Pistol
- New Rebel- Jamie the Second
- Johnny Coaleaston
- Jeremiah Garland
- EITC/Dilusional Squirrel Man- Benjy Macmorgan
- EITC Guy 2- Stallion
- EITC Guy 3- Cad Bane
- EITC Guard 1- Halt
- EITC Guard 2- Jason Shiprat
- Scone-Stealing Whackjob- Edgar Wildrat
- Moon's Blue Parrot- Echo
Bobby Moon would like to thank Billiam Plunderbones for making the play gallery, the cast for your inspiration, and all of the fans who have supported this production.
(All is quiet in the rebel camp on Tortuga. No sounds are heard except a few quiet murmurs and the crackling of several small campfires. Then, a commotion is heard near a tent near the outskirts of the cluster)
Halle: INTRUDER!!! INTRUDER!!
(Several other rebels come running to assist. The intruder, wearing dark clothes and a hood, is pulled off the wall he is trying to climb)
Sea Slasher: You can't escape, you vile swine!
(The hooded figures hands are tied behind his back with a piece of rope and he is brought into a small brick building. A few rebels are outside the building, talking.)
Halle: You know what we have to do now, right?
Sea Slasher: No, anything but that! I don't have a death wish!
Jamie: What, what are you talking about?
Halle: (With an idea): Oh nothing! Nothing! Just go wake up Captain Plunderbones. He needs to interrogate the prisoner!
Jamie: Right away, ma'am!
(Jamie runs off in the direction of Bill Plunderbones' tent)
Sea Slasher: (Chuckling) Poor kid, he'll learn soon!
(Jamie arrives at Bill's tent and walks inside. Bill is asleep, snoring loudly, and clutching a red blankie in his fist.)
Jamie: (Quietly) Umm, Captain Plunderbones, sir? You're needed for an interroga....
(Jamie is cut short because Bill has jumped up, and thrown a dagger. The dagger becomes stuck in a wooden support beam next to Jamie's head)
Bill: DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO WAKE A MAN WHO IS SLEEPING?!
(Bill catches Jamie staring at his blankie.)
Bill: IT'S A HANKERCHIEF!!
(Jamie sprints from the tent in terror! Bill slips on his jacket and hat, muttering about being woken up. Bill walks out of his tent to an equally large tent nearby and enters.)
Bill: Wake up Basil! An intruder has been caught on the premises! We are needed in interrogation, considering we are some of the best.
Basil: The typical routine I'm guessing? Good cop, Bad cop?
Bill: Of course!
(Bill and Basil walk to the small brick building and enter through the single door. This building only contains one room. The walls are white, there are no windows. The only furniture is an old wooden chair, which the hooded man is tied to.)
Bill: Hello my slippery friend. And just who might you be?
(Bill pulls off the spy's hood and slaps him across the face.)
Basil: Bill! You should not treat our guest that way!
(Basil turns toward the spy.)
Basil: Would you like some apple juice? Maybe a cookie? Or a scone? What actually is a scone? Does anyone know?
Bill: Basil! Focus! The questioning!
Davy: Frankly, I like that one much better.
(Davy nods toward Basil. Bill ignores the comment and continues.)
Bill: Let's start off simple, dirtbag. What is your name?
Davy: I am a pirate! A rebel! I was hoping to join you!
Basil: (Sweetly) Come on, we both know that's not true.
Bill: STOP LYING YOU SCUM!
Davy: I speak the truth, so I refuse to talk anymore if you don't believe me.
(Bill and Basil leave the building, closing the door behind them. Two rebels are outside waiting for them.)
Lannon: So, who is he?
Sea Slasher: My bet's on Navy!
Lannon: No, it's definitely Black Guard!
Sea Slasher: Twenty-Five gold?
Lannon: You're on, Slasher!
Bill: (Angrily) We didn't break him...
Basil: We MUST find out who he works for! The entire camp could be in danger!
Bill: Well, there is ONE option.... But after what happened last time....
Basil: She cut off his finger!
Bill: Yes, but she's all we have left. Send for her. But send the new guy.
(Bill chuckles. Basil sends Jamie to retrieve Bobby Moon.)
(Jamie walks gingerly up to the large tent of Bobby Moon and enters. He doesn't see Moon.)
Jamie: Captain Moon?
(Moon drops from the ceiling and lands silently behind Jamie.)
Bob: (Whispering in Jamie's ear) I heard you coming.
(Jamie jumps a foot in the air and reaches for his dagger, which isn't there. Moon is twirling the dagger in her fingers.)
Bob: So what do ya want, noob?
Jamie: (Regaining his composure, sounding angry at Moon's comment) You've been called to the interrogation building. There is a DIFFICULT prisoner.
(Jamie turns back around and Moon is gone.)
Jamie: (to himself) What have I gotten myself into?
(Moon approaches the interrogation building, meeting Basil and Bill.)
Bob: What are we dealing with?
Basil: Captured prisoner trying to climb over the wall. He's suspected EITC or navy.
Bob: I see.
Bill: Now we want him in one piece when you're done.
Bob: No promises!
(Moon grins as she reaches for the door knob and enters the building.)
Bob: So what's your name, scum?
(The spy ignores the question.)
Davy: I've already met good cop and bad cop. What does that make you, love?
Bob: I'm the Bob cop. And I don't play by the rules.
(Bill and Basil are waiting outside when all of a sudden they hear the crashing of furniture, breaking class, and the spy screaming of fright. Then, there is an eerie silence. Moon walks casually out of the building, closing the door behind her.)
Bob: His name is Davy Hookwrecker, he works for the EITC Black Guard, he was sent to discover any attack plans and battle secrets or assassinate our leaders if possible, he is of elven decent, and his favorite color is apple red.
(Bill and Basil stand with dumbstruck expressions. 0_o)
(Bill looks towards a nearby group of rebels.)
Bill: Mr. Pistol! There is a prisoner that needs to be transported to the cell block, please escort him!
Jack: Sure thing, Billiam!
Bill: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME THAT?! It is Bill, or Mr. Plunderbones!!
(Jack starts tearing up.)
Jack: I'M SORRY!!!!
(Jack begins histerically crying.)
Bill: Wait! Don't cry! Do you need a hug?
Jack: (Pause) YES!!!!
(Bill and Jack hug.)
Bill: (Sweetly) Now Jack, will you PLEASE go escort the prisoner to the cell block?
(Jack suddenly stops crying.)
Jack: Sure thing, Billiam!
(Jack is yelled at again, the cycle continues for a good 10–15 minutes, until Bill walks away in frustration.)
Jack: (Shouting back at Bill) Good chat!
(Jack enters the interrogation building to see the entire room trashed and Davy curled up in a ball in the corner, rocking back and forth.)
Jack: The Bob Cop?
(Davy nervously nods. Jack grabs Davy's shoulders and guides him out the door, across the camp to a larger building. Inside are rows of cells, most being empty. Davy is put inside a cell that is unoccupied.)
Jack: Here you are, home sweet home.
Davy: You can't just leave me here! I have money, I can pay!
Jack: I don't take bribes. Maybe this place will be good for you! Three meals a day, mostly scraps, but you don't have to work for it!
Davy: (With annoyed expression) Lucky me....
(Basil is whistling on the way to his tent before the war meeting.)
Basil: (To himself) Just enough time for a delicious scone before the meeting starts! Mother's new batch must have arrived by now!
(Basil enters his tent to see a package torn open and crumbs scattered along the table.)
Basil: A scone theif!!!! Curse you villain with good taste of dessert items!!!
(Basil steps outside his tent just in time to see the sun rising in the east. He suddenly notices a looming shadow behind him. He whips around to see a large man with war paint on his face, wearing a feathered headdress, munching on a scone... )
(The strange man bellows a loud battle cry, while shaking his sharp, wooden spear in the air. Then, he quickly runs away. Basil quickly pursues him.)
Basil: STOP!! FIEND!!
(Basil loses the scone-stealing whackjob around a corner but bumps into Jamie.)
Basil: Jamie! Have a message sent to my mother! I require additional scones!
(Jamie gives Basil and odd look and then goes to complete the task.)
(About 30 rebels are all gathered around a large banquet table inside a large tent. Everyone is yelling and no words can be understood among the noise. Bill takes his pistol out of his belt and fires it into the air, blowing a hole in the top of the tent. The tent goes completely silent and everyone freezes in their tracks.)
Bill: QUIET!! We must find a solution to this apparent problem!
(Basil enters, running.)
Basil: There is a a scone thief on the loose!!
Jack: That is the apparent problem? I though the problem was that an EITC spy had entered our camp and our location may be known to our biggest enemies, making an impending attack inevitable! Wow, I was WAY off!
Bill: Of course that's the problem! Basil, stop interrupting with your personal food theft issues! Now what are we going to do about it?!
Bob: WELL, we could set fire to their offices and then load the doorways with grenades.... OR we could send a spy into THEIR organization, learning THEIR secrets and THEN we can load their offices with grenades.....
Sea Slasher: Moon, do you have any plans NOT involving grenades?
Basil: I have a plan! We could raid their castles and steal all their scones!! That will teach them to mess with us!
(Everyone looks at Basil with a look saying, "Wow that's a lame plan..")
Bill: Well we could combine all these ideas...
Halle: How so?
Bill: Well, we could send a spy into their organization, using information from Davy to find them. After we're inside, our informant can give us information and we can plan an attack involving grenades. If we win, we can celebrate with a scone feast!
Bob: As long as grenades are involved, I'm in!
Basil: SCONE FEAST!!! 0_0
Halle: I think Basil's in....
Sea Slasher: So it's settled.
Jack: But wait, who's going to be OUR spy?
(Moon suddenly has an evil grin on her face.)
(A woman with jet-black, extremely curly, hair walks out of a tent. She is wearing a long blue jacket, and royal blue dress. She is walking semi-awkwardly in silver high-heels. This woman slightly resembles Bobby Moon. She approaches Bill and Basil who don't seem to recognize her.)
Bob: (In British accent) Excuse me, gentlemen, but would you mind directing me to the loo?
(Moon bats her eyelashes.)
Bill: Are you lost? Clearly British in a pirate camp!
Basil: (With eager eyes) Would you possibly have some scones on your person?
Bob: (Still using accent) As a matter of fact, yes I do, Sir!
(Moon pulls a bag of scones from her silver purse and hands them to Basil. Suddenly, a battle cry is heard, approaching. The scone-stealing whackjob appears, falling from the sky, grabs the scones, and runs away!)
(Moon, Bill, and Basil all stand there frozen with confused expressions.)
Basil: Scone thief!!!!
(Bill pushes Basil out of the way.)
Bill: ANYWAY, where did you come from? Are you some kind of distraction before an attack?!
(Bill, with a crazy look in his eyes, fires his pistol into the air at random! A large goose falls from the sky and hits a random bystander in the face.)
Bob: (In normal voice) It's me, Einstein!
Bill: (With realization) OHHHH! YOU!! This just might work...
(A large, stone fortress can be seen. The EITC flag is flown below the flag of Britain on the top of many towers. There are two guards posted outside the main gate. Moon walks casually up to them, like she is completely supposed to be there.)
Bob: (To one guard in a flawless British accent) Why haven't you already opened this gate?! Do I have to go complain to the king about the poor service?!
Halt: Umm, who exactly are you?
Bob: (With accent) Who am I? Who AM I?! YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ASKING THE BLOODY KING WHO HE IS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
(Both guards stare with surprised looks.)
Bob: (With accent) I am Lady....
(Moon freezes momentarily until spotting a fountain with blue fish spitting water, inside the gate.)
Bob: (With accent) I am Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales and I demand to be let pass!
(Halt only partially believes the story, but doesn't want to look foolish for denying a Lady of Wales entry, so he reluctantly opens the gate.)
Bob: It IS so hard to find good help.
(Moon struts through the gate.)
Bob: (Under breath in normal voice) Idiot.
(Moon enters the fortress, into a large, extravagant foyer. She then realizes she has no idea where she's going!)
Bob: (Thinking) Bob Moon motto #346, when in doubt, make a scene.
(Moon walks into the center of the foyer, directly under a large skylight.)
Bob: (In accent) WHERE IS THE OFFICE OF THE MAN WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THIS MOMENT?!
(Everyone freezes and looks confused as to why there is a British chick screaming.)
Stallion: (Nervously, in fear of being screamed at) That would be Lord Goldtimbers, Ma'am... But only certain authorized people may speak to....
(Stallion is cut off by Moon's screaming.)
Bob: (in accent) Authorized people? AUTHORIZED PEOPLE?! I AM A LADY OF ENGLAND, IS THAT NOT "AUTHORIZED" ENOUGH FOR YOU?!
Stallion: (Nervously) Oh, I wasn't aware! Of course it is, Ma'am! Right this way!
(Stallion guides Moon down a long hallway, and up an elegant, spiral staircase. Upstairs, at the end of another long corridor is a black door with a gold plate on it. The plate reads, "Lord Johnny Goldtimbers.")
Stallion: (Nervously) And here we are! (Hand reaching for door) I shall knock for you, to announce your arrival.
Bob: (Smacking his hand from the door, speaking in accent) NO! I shall take it from here!
(Stallion walks quickly away, relieved to be away from the crazy lady. Moon reaches for the doorknob.)
(The room that Moon enters is very elegant, with a wooden desk, and numerous filing cabinets. In the back corner of the room there is a doorway into a secondary area, that snoring can be heard from.)
Bob: (Thinking) Where to begin, where to begin?)
(Moon takes a step, and her high heels make a loud 'clink' on the marble floor. She freezes and listens for the snoring; She can still hear it. She takes off the heels and continues searching. She finds a letter with and official looking seal, and slips it into an added pocket on the inside hem of her dress. Nothing else is of interest, so Moon tip-toes into the other room. A sleeping old man, probably around 80 years old, is on a red couch by the window.)
Bob: (Thinking) The EITC officers, hard at work everyday!
(She smirks. Then, she spots it, an official looking filimg cabinet next to the fireplace. The only thing between her and the documents inside is a small, golden lock. She walks back into the main room, and begins rustling through the desk to find the key.)
Bob: (Thinking) Come on, it's gotta be here somewhere!
(While rummaging through the drawers, Moon accidentally knocks over a glass paperweight and it shatter on the floor. Moon closes her eyes, waiting for the yelling to begin, but the snoring is still heard. She sighs of relief.)
Bob: (Thinking) That was close!
(Then, the main door opens and an EITC member bursts in. The man looks disheveled and has a crazy look in his eyes.)
Benjy: What is the commotion in HERE?! (Holding out hand) Walnut?
(Before Moon can answer, Benjy shoves all of the walnuts into his mouth, laughing insanely.)
Benjy: Anyway, what was that sudden ruckus?!
(While the entire conversation continues, Benjy is periodically shoveling walnuts into his mouth.)
Bob: (In accent) I was just coming to talk to Lord Goldtimbers about the poor guard service, but considering his current..... Unconscious state, I was going to leave him a note. I was just looking for a quill when I knocked over this glass-contraption.... Thing.
Benjy: Well isn't that a predicament?
(Benjy laughs evilly and throws a walnut that hits Moon in the face. It takes all of her self control not to shove those walnuts down Benjy's throat. Then, a group of EITC soldiers bursts in.)
Coaleaston: Benjamin! Who let you out of the asylum?!
(Benjy has a terrified look in his eyes.)
Benjy: You can't prove anything!!!!
(Benjy runs across the room and crashes through the window, jumping and clinging onto a nearby tree.)
Benjy: You'll never take me alive!!!!
(Benjy throws bundles of walnuts at the occupants of the room.)
Coaleaston: After him!
(The guards run out the door towards the stairs in pursuit of the crazy squirrel man.)
Coaleaston: I'm sorry for the commotion, Madame. Is there anything I could assist you with?
(Moon realizes that she can no longer search the office, since too much attention has been drawn to her. She decides that she needs to maintain her cover over all else.)
Bob: (In accent) I am Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales, and I was here visiting, but then came to the decision that I must inform the lord in charge of the poor guard service!
Coaleaston: Of course, Lady Blueferfauntoon! I shall wake Lord Goldtimbers for you!
Bob: (In accent) It's Lady Bluefishfoutain....
Coaleaston: Of course, that's what I said.
(Coaleaston walks into the back room and whispers in Goldtimbers' ear.)
Coaleaston: (Whispering) Wakey, wakey, Lord Goldtimbers...
(Oldtimbers jumps awake and hits Coaleaston with his cane out of fright.)
Oldtimbers: DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO SCREAM IN A MAN'S EAR WHEN HE'S SLEEPING?!
(Moon chuckles at the irony; Oldtimbers didn't wake up when the windows were breaking and paperweights were shattering, but a whisper scares him.)
Coaleaston: Err, Lord Goldtimbers, Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales is here to discuss our security.
Oldtimbers: Sure, yes, I am available to talk!
(Both Oldtimbers and Coaleaston walk into the main room.)
Coaleaston: I must go check on the progress of recapturing Benjamin. (Turning toward Moon) It was a pleasure meeting you, Madame.
Bob: (In accent) Likewise.
(Coaleaston exits the room.)
Oldtimbers: So what about our security?
Bob: (In accent) One of the guards at the main gate almost would not let me enter.... ME; A LADY OF WALES!
Oldtimbers: Well we of course will correctly fix the problem, and the guard will be punished! Two weeks, hanging by his thumbs in the dungeon should straighten him out!
Bob: (Thinking) And they call US pirates!
Oldtimbers: Well if that's a you wanted to discuss, you should probably be going now, I am a very busy man!
Bob: (In accent) Well SIR, weren't you just napping a few moments ago?
Oldtimbers: Like I said, VERY busy!
(Moon knows that she must stay in the room as long as possible for additional snooping.)
Bob: (In accent) WELL, I also wanted to talk to you about..... Your cane! I mean, it's so... Elegant! Wherever did you get it?
Oldtimbers: Well it IS a delightfully interesting story! It all started when I was a young boy....
(Oldtimbers is interrupted by a loud knock at the door.)
Coaleaston: Sir, we have a problem.
Oldtimbers: Out with it! Did Benjamin fill the kitchen cupboards with walnuts again?
Coaleaston: No sir, it's just that...
(A woman with dark brown hair and a golden dress enters.)
Coaleaston: THIS is Lady Bluefishfountain of Wales....
Bob: What the brig?! There's a REAL Lady Bluefishfountain of Wales? I mean..... (In accent) Cheerio!
(Coaleaston draws his pistol.)
Coaleaston: Who are you, lass?
Bob: (In accent) Pip pip?
Oldtimbers: Coaleaston, lower your weapon! We need her alive for questioning!
Coaleaston: Very well, sir.
(Coaleaston shoots Moon with a tranquilizer dart instead. Moon begins to sway and collapses.)
Bob: (Groggily) Bloody 'ell
(When Moon awakes, she is shackled to a chair and in a cold, stone room. There are a few rats scurrying around the floor, and the smell of decay radiates throughout the room.)
Bob: (To self) The EITC's hospitality amazes me.
(The door opens and Jeremiah Garland enters.)
Garland: A pirate I presume?
(Moon remains silent.)
Garland: Not talking, eh?
(Moon spits and the saliva lands right between Garland's eyes.)
Garland: You swine!
(Garland draws his EITC issue sword.)
Bob: I don't think so. Needed alive, remember?
(Garland, with an angry expression, reholsters his weapon.)
Garland: So who do you work for?!
Bob: I work for myself, Garlic Bread.
Garland: DISRESPECT! I WILL HAVE YOU HANGED!
Bob: Do it, coward.
Garland: Your cheeky attitude will cost you your life. Your end will come at sunrise tomorrow morning.
Bob: (With mischevious laugh) Looking forward to it!
(Garland walks out the door and signals to a pair of guards.)
Garland: Take her away!!
(The two guards grab Moon by the forearms.)
Bob: Sorry bout this, mates.
Shiprat: Quiet, prisoner!
(Moon quickly elbows both guards in the stomach and attempts to escape out the door, but about twenty guards are waiting. The men are all holding muskets, bayonets trained on the door.)
Bob: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill..
(This time, ten guards are assigned to escort Moon to prison, to await her hanging.)
(We are back in the rebel camp. A group of pirates are gathered in the meeting tent. Halle enters.)
Halle: Is Moon back?
Sea Slasher: Nope, and she should have returned with our itell by now! It's almost sunset!
Pistol: Maybe she bailed? We haven't been involved in many successful battles lately, and I always sensed that it angered her......
(Bill comes out of nowhere and slaps Jack across the face!)
Bill: How dare you Ben say that! Without her we wouldn't even have cracked our prisoner!
Jack: (With head down) Sorry, Billiam...
Bill: What did I tell you about CALLING ME THAT!?!!
Jack: Sorry, Captain Billiam....
(Both Bill and Jack exit the tent, still arguing.)
Sea Slasher: She'll turn up, I know she will.
Halle: You're right, Moon can take care of herself...
(Basil enters the tent.)
Basil: Any updates?
Halle: No, Moon hasn't sent any word on her whereabouts.
Basil: I already knew that! I was talking about the arrival of my scones!
(Suddenly, Jamie comes sprinting in with a package.)
Jamie: Basil, sir, your dessert has arrived!)
Basil: Shhhhh!! (Whispering) Not so loud... You don't know what kind of food stealers could be listening....
Sea Slasher: (To Halle) I think he's gone bonkers. All those scones are going to his head!
Halle: I agree...
(As Basil is opening the box, he is tapped on the shoulder from behind. He slightly turns.)
Basil: If you don't mind, I am doing something important here!
(Basil turns fully around and comes face to face with the scone-stealing whackjob.)
(The scone-stealing whackjob grabs the scones and runs out of the tent.)
Basil: STOP!!! COME BACK!! MY SCONES!!
(Basil chases after the SSWJ. Halle, Jamie, and Sea Slasher stand blinking with dumbstruck expressions.)
Jamie: Did you guys see the dude in the headdress too?
(Halle and Sea Slasher nod with wide- eyed expressions.)
(Moon is in a prison cell, sitting on a rotting wooden bench. Two armed guards are standing on the other side of the bars.)
Shiprat: No hope of escaping, lass.
(Moon ignores him.)
Halt: I'm lucky, "Lady Bluefishfoutain." I LOVE a good hanging!
(Moon picks up a stone from the ground and hits Halt in the back of the head.)
Halt: HEY! Don't make me end you early!
Bob: Do it, coward!
Shiprat: Do not talk to my partner like that, lass!
Bob: (Thinking) I'd say it's about time now!
(Moon reaches for the set if knives that are hidden in a holster behind her right thigh. Then, she throws the knives point blank at the throats of both guards, silencing them. Moon whistles, and a blue parrot lands at the windowsill.)
Bob: Hey Echo.
(Moon pulls the document from Oldtimbers' office out of her dress pocket.)
Bob: Send this back to Billiam!
Echo: (Squaking) Aye aye!
(Echo flies in the direction of the rebel camp. Moon grabs a grenade from the holster behind her left thigh and wedges it between the bars, after striking it on the cement ground. She ducks and covers in the far corner until after the explosion. The bars are blasted just enough for Moon to sqweeze through.)
Bob: That's how Bob does it!
(When Moon reaches the door leading outside, she sees that it is after sundown. The full moon is rising slowly into the night sky.)
Bob: (To herself) Now how to escape?
(Moon creeps toward the front gate, using shrubbery and buildings for cover. She is within escaping range just in time to see the gate locked for the night. The barbed fire on top of the 6 foot wall also prevents Moon's freedom.)
Bob: (Thinking) Looks like I'm spending the night.
(Moon stealthily sneaks to the back corner of the compound. She lies down under the branches of a large willow tree. Moon drapes her jacket over herself like a blanket. The moonlight glimmers off the moon-shaped charm on her necklace as she drifts to sleep. Moon is clutching a dagger in her right hand in case of any unwanted visitors.)
(The sun has risen on a new day. Stallion runs out of the prisoner's building.)
Stallion: THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED!!!!
(Moon's eyes shoot open, already alert.)
Bob: (Thinking) What a delightful wakeup call.
(Coaleaston is walking swiftly around the yard, screaming at the guards.)
Coaleaston: SECURE THE GATES!! If she is still here, we will catch her...
(Moon hears guards approaching her position and sneaks toward a medium-sized building that she knows is the guards' quarters. She enters through the door and literally bumps into a guard.)
Guard 3: Are you lost, miss? Anyhow, you shouldn't be alone! There is a criminal on the loose!
Bob: (In accent) Oh, I was not aware.
Guard 3: Well, you are safe with me. Is there anything I could help you with?
Bob: (In accent) Well I AM a bit hungry....
Guard 3: Say no more! Follow me, miss.
(Guard 3 leads Moon into the small kitchen area of the building. When they enter, Guard 3 opens the cabinets and begins to look around inside. When he turns back around, Moon is holding a frying pan.)
Guard 3: What are you doing with that pan, miss?
Bob: (In normal voice) Sorry bout this, kid.
(Moon whacks Guard 3 in the head with the frying pan, and he is knocked unconscious. Moon begins to explore the quarters and discovers that there are no other occupants. Then, she finds the uniform closet....)
Bob: (To herself) So crazy it just might work....
(Now, we see Moon exiting the building in a full guard uniform. Her hair is pinned up inside the guard's hat that she wears. She looks identical to any other guard. An important looking EITC member walks by and stops to call to Moon.)
Bane: You! Guard! Your services are needed at the lords meeting. Extra security is needed with that delinquent on the loose!
Bob: (In deeper voice) Of course, sir.
(Moon smirks while she and Bane walk toward the back door of the main building.)
(We are back in the rebel camp. Jamie is running into the tent where Bill and Basil are eating lunch, clutching a folded piece of paper. A parrot is circling overhead.)
Jamie: Bill! Basil! Moon has sent a message! Or at least Echo has brought us a message.
Bill: Hand it over then!
(Jamie gives Bill the paper and Bill reads it aloud.)
Bill: Dear Lord Goldtimbers,
I have reviewed your plan for the destruction of piracy and I approve. The attack will go forward on the Thirty-First of October. I agree that we must attack the rebel stronghold located five miles from your offices. After that compound is burned to the ground, your troops may slay any suspected pirates who survive or reside in any other area. I will not give any specific details in case this letter is intercepted.
Signed, King George II
P.S. The attack will begin at ten in the evening on te date above, and the troops will first gather at your fortress. As stated above, I will not reveal any specifics in case of compromise.
Basil: Well that was oddly vague!
Bill: I agree! What does this mean?!
(Bill begins screaming at the letter.)
Bill: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US!?!?
Jamie: Umm, it means that there is going to be an attack on this camp at ten PM on October thirty-first...
(Bill and Basil give Jamie confused looks.)
Basil: (In low voice to Bill) You think he's some kind of psychic?
Bill: (In low voice to Basil) Definitely.
Jamie: I'm right here, you know!
Basil: Yes we are aware, what about it?
(Jamie rolls his eyes.)
Bill: So if Moon sent this message, where is she?
Basil: I dunno....
(Interrupting the dramatic moment, Jack Pistol enters.)
Jack: Basil, package is here for you!
Basil: MY SCONES!!!
(Basil quickly tears the box open, only to find it is full of feathers; Feathers from a headdress..)
Basil: CURSE YOU, WHACKJOB!!!
Bill: Basil! Curse the dessert thief later! Now we need a game-plan!
Basil: Well we have to go after Moon!
Sea Slasher: Maybe we should go talk to the prisoner. He could give us some info on the procedures and activities of that EITC base.
Bill: Brilliant! Let's go!
(The group of rebels walk through the camp and into the prison building. Davy is asleep in his cell.)
Bill: WAKE UP, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SWINE-BAG!!!
Davy: (Groggily) Great to see you too, darling!
(Basil has to hold Bill back because he lunged toward the cell.)
Basil: I suggest you give us the information we need before Bill strangles you.
Davy: Okay, I'll talk! What do you want to know?!
Basil: First off, where is the kitchen that the scones are made in?!
(Bill slaps Basil on the back of the head. Then, Basil slaps Bill on the back of the head. The alternating head-slapping continues for five minutes.)
Sea Slasher: FOCUS!
Basil: So the fortress is located 5 miles north of us, correct?
Davy: Yes, on the coast.
Bill: How many EITC personel are there on their busiest day?
Davy: About 100.
Sea Slasher: We could take that many, if we're careful and stealthy.
Bill: So it's settled. Gather Striker-Team Alpha 116752 Niner-Niner X....
(Everyone gives Bill a weird look. 0_o)
Bill: What?! I'm trying to sound all commando! Dramatic moment ruined! Wow guys!
(Bill stalks off toward the armory muttering about the dramatic moment ruining.)
(Moon is walking with Cad Bane to a meeting room, full of EITC lords, and several guards. As they enter, there is an arguement breaking out.)
Coaleaston: Who knows what kind of information could already have reached the enemy?! We must burn this fortress to the ground and move our entire operation! The pirates could be on their way as we speak!
Bane: Lord Coaleaston! This fortress is a stronghold! We could hold out for months without seeing a single pirate! Mr. Goldtimbers, what is your view?
(Across the room, Oldtimbers is asleep in his chair, snoring. Moon is in position "guarding" the door.)
Bane: MR. GOLDTIMBERS!
(Oldtimbers remains in the same unconscious state.)
Garland: Don't bother, Caddius. He's been like that for half an hour now.
(Then, a server enters the room with a tray of steaming tea. Oldtimbers suddenly jumps awake.)
Oldtimbers: Tea time already?! Why didn't anyone wake me?!
(The other lords roll their eyes. Moon suddenly recognizes the server. It is Bill! Their eyes meet and they both just nod.)
Garland: Lord Goldtimbers, so what IS your opinion on this matter?
Oldtimbers: Ah, yes! I agree with Caddius! The guards can take care of any riffraff that comes our way!
Coaleaston: Wait, how did you know what Lord Bane suggested? You were asleep.....
Oldtimbers: Oh was I?
(Everyone in the room gives Oldtimbers a weird look. Then, Benjy pops up from under a desk.)
Benjy: After all, if we do see any pirates, we could always throw walnuts at them!
(Benjy gets into a psychotic laughing fit. He throws walnuts all around the room, while munching on a few in his clutches. Guards begin to walk toward Benjamin.)
Benjy: NO!! NOT BACK TO THE ASYLUM!!
(Benjamin ducks behind the desk, and when the guards pass behind it to seize him, Benjamin is gone. Psychotic laughter can be heard around the room with no distinct point of origin. Then, it slowly fades away.)
Garland: Now, since that disturbing interruption is over, I think we have reached a decision! We will wait out any impending pirate attack.
Bane: I doubt it will even happen! No group of pirates could enter this compound undetected, much less an army! I am willing to bet 1,000 gold pieces that none of us will see a single enemy!
(Just as Bane finishes his last word, a smoke bomb explodes in the room and all vision is lost.)
(When the smoke clears, Basil is holding a pistol to Bane's head.)
Basil: Think again, pretty boy.
(All of the EITC members reach for their swords/pistols, just as another smoke bomb explodes. Basil, Bill, and Moon all run for the door, out of sight of the enemies.)
Bob: (Coughing) Was all that smoke REALLY necessary?
(Bill looks at Moon in her guard's uniform.)
Bill: Nice outfit, Moon!
(Moon shoots Bill the 'Look of Death.')
Bob: Shut it!
(Basil and Bill both chuckle while the three run down a long hallway.)
Bob: So what's the plan? You guys DO have a plan, right?
Bill: Of course!
Basil: Yup, it's something along the line of 'Get the 'el out of here.'
Bob: That was my exact thought! How many more guns we got?
Bill: Ten more rebels outside, holding them off.
Bob: EITC has about a hundred. We better get going!
(As the trio are almost at the back door, five guards dart in and block their path. Moon is still in her full guard uniform, and tries to confuse the group of enemies.)
Bob: (In deep voice) I got these prisoners taken care of, try won't try anything.
(The guards nod and walk by. Just as they pass, Bill strikes them with stun grenades, and the EITC are unconscious.)
Basil: Too easy.
(The three 'cops' finally reach the back yard of the fortress where they see a brawl breaking out. The pirates appear to be losing. Bob pulls her broadsword from its holster, Basil and Bill their pistols.)
Basil: Here goes nothing.
(Bill let's out a battle-cry and they all run into the scuffle.)
(Basil, Bill, and Moon are each fighting four guards. Sea Slasher knocks a guard out with the hilt of his sword. Halle's cheek is grazed by a bullet and she falls. Guards immediately take her toward the prison. Jack Pistol unleashes a viper's nest attack on a group of EITC scum. Then, Basil suddenly stops.)
Basil: I forgot something!
Bill: What could you possibly have forgotten?! We just got here twenty minutes ago!
(Basil runs back into the fortress, through the door the trio had just come out.)
Bob: We can't let him go back in there alone.
Bill: I agree.
(Bill and Moon finish off their current enemies and run after Basil. He is a hundred yards in front of them. Basil turns a sharp corner toward the direction of the kitchen. They all stop in front of a large cabinet.)
Bob: So, WHY are we back in here!?
Basil: (Grinning) For these!
(Basil opens the cabinet to reveal that it is completely filled with scones.)
Bill: ARE YOU KIDDING?!
(Basil pulls out a black pillowcase and fills it with the scones.)
Basil: NOW we can go!
(Basil swings the pillowcase over his shoulder, accidentally knocking over several pots and pans. Yelling can be heard from down the hallway. Suddenly, four guards appear in the doorway. Bill and Basil go to pull their weapons.)
Bob: (Quietly) I got this.
(Bill and Basil put their weapons away. Moon walks toward the guards who are holding up their muskets. She makes eye contact.)
Bob: These are not the droids you are looking for...
Guards: (In robotic voices, synchronized) These are not the droids we are looking for...
(The guards drop their weapons and bow down to Moon. Bill and Basil turn and look at each other.)
Bill: Remind me never to aggravate her...
Bob: Let's go.
(Basil grabs his scones and the group exits the kitchen. The guards are still bowing down, even though Moon has left.)
(The "cops" reach the outside once more, only to be greeted by about twenty EITC Black Guard members. Basil, Bill, and Moon all draw their weapons.)
Bob: It's been a pleasure fighting with you, gentlemen.
Bill: Looks like this is our last stand.
Basil: Indeed. Well, here goes nothing.
(Basil drops the pillowcase full of scones. Bill and Moon are stunned.)
Basil: Let's do this.
(The trio fights their hearts out, slicing every enemy brutally with their swords and daggers. Within minutes, every Black Guard member is either unconscious or "silenced.")
Bob: And they said we weren't good!
(They all laugh.)
Basil: Is this the part where we all link arms and skip into the happy sunset?
(Suddenly, fifty EITC are making their way out of the building, three-hundred yards away.)
Bill: Looks like it's not over yet...
Bob: There are too many... We can't take out that many of them....
Basil: We can fight it out, prison won't be too bad. Hey, we might even escape..
Bob: No. I'll hold them off. You guys go.
Bill: Moon, we're not leaving you here.
Basil: I actually agree with Bill on this.
Bob: I can take them. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. Now go!
(The audience can tell that Basil and Bill do not want to go, but they agree.)
Basil: Good luck.
(Moon just nods. Bill and Basil climb up the rope ladder that is draped over the stone wall. The EITC are in range now, and Moon opens fire, picking off a few. Then, Moon's pistol runs out of ammo.)
Bob: (Muttering) What the brig?
(Moon's eyes light up with an idea. She pulls a stun grenade literally out of her sleeve and launches it into the crowd of soldiers. Most of them fall over, stunned, but about ten men are still in pursuit.)
Bob: (Muttering) Now, Bob is out.
(Moon begins ascending the rope ladder. She is standing on top of the wall when she sees Bill about one-hundred yards away. Basil is out of sight.)
Bob: (Yelling to Bill) GO!
(Bill turns around to run into the surrounding woods. Before he turns around, out of the corner of his eye, Bill sees Moon fall forward off the wall after being shot in the back. The shot appeared to have cone from the roof of the fortress. Bill hears the remaining EITC scaling the wall and runs to go find Basil.)
(On the roof, Jeremiah Garland blows the smoke from the barrel of his musket. Several other EITC lords are standing behind him.)
Bane: A nice shot, Lord Garland.
Coaleaston: That handles part of our rebel problem.
(The group of lords all laugh.)
(The setting changes. Bill catches up with Basil.)
Basil: (Laughing) One of our better escapes, my friend!
(Basil glances behind Bill.)
Basil: Where's Moon?
Bill: Bobby Moon is dead.
(The stage goes dark and the curtain closes.)
- If you are a fan of Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop, be sure to check out the sequel, The Good, The Bob, and The Ugly!