Garlandism is a philosophical belief in which everything contradicts its self. It was developed by Jeremh Garlandh.

Basically, Garlandism describes life and the universe as a never ending cycle of paradoxes and contradictions.

Basic Beliefs

In Garlandism, everything has a contradiction. For example: the world does not exist, but at the same time, it does; life is pointless, but also, it is very much meaningful. What side of the contradiction that is true is within the eyes of the beholder, and in which case there are infinite possibilities and answers to the never-ending enigma that is life. Below are the basic beliefs of Garlandism:

  1. Nothing comes from Everything, yet Everything comes from Nothing.
  2. The true answers to life are enshrouded in mystery, millions of miles ahead of us in the universe, yet they are standing clearly and obviously in front of us.
  3. Imperialism and worldly conquest will bring much happiness, yet bring much sadness.
  4. Man is Nothing, yet Man is Everything.
  5. Internal conflict is the key to self-rejuvination, yet it is the key to self-destruction.
  6. Man conquers All and Man conquers Man, yet Man conquers Nothing and Man conquers Man
  7. Birth is Life; Life is Death; Death is Birth

The Book of Jeremh

The Book of Jeremh is a philosophical text written by Garlandism founder Jeremh Garlandh, outlining further beliefs of Garlandism. The opening (and most notable) passage goes as follows:

"Turn off your mind relax and float down stream

It is not dying, it is not dying

Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void,

It is shining, it is shining.

Yet you may see the meaning of within

It is being, it is being

Love is all and love is everyone

It is knowing, it is knowing

And ignorance and hate mourn the dead

It is believing, it is believing

But listen to the colour of your dreams

It is not leaving, it is not leaving

So play the game 'Existence' to the end

Of the beginning, of the beginning"

The Book of Davh

The Book of Davh is another philosophical text, though it is less important than the Book of Jeremh, while also being more important. It was written by Garlandist devotee Davh Hookwrh. A passage goes as follows:

"On a tiny little island

Full of Garlandh romance

They wear Garlandh sandals

and contradictory pants

Confused from head-to-toe

Eve'ry day

Blessed with the miracle

of being insane

Best-dressed posers in the U.K.

Big Garlandh pleasure in a big Garlandh way



Within the Garlandist belief realm, followers have adapted their own language, dubbed "Garlian". It is an inflicted language, but fairly simple to learn. It uses the Phoenitic alphabet, much like English and other languages. However, it differs from most inflicted languages in that there are only two noun declensions, as opposed to three or more, and only three verb tenses, as opposed to ten or more...

It is a rule that each word in Garlian ends in the letter "h".

Common Sayings

Hello (informal): Saleh

Hello (formal): Egh Saluturh

Goodbye (informal): Veheh

Goodbye (formal): Grahdeieh

Please / You're welcome: Peh Vaorh

Thank you: Egh Greturh

Do you follow Garlandism?: Udh teh Garlandherh rheglaturh?

Yes: Derh

No: Neyth

Do you speak (Garlian/English)?: Udh teh (Garlianherh/Anglotaterh) loscateturh?

Which way to the bathroom? Veorgh sekidh egesh latroieturh?

When does the Garlandism prayer hour begin? Veanh hesirh Garlandherh receidirh serrh vasiteroh?

Socialism: Sokialisieh

Communism: Komminisieh

Great Leader: Vasikielh Garlandieh

Capitalist Swine: Kapitielh Kagistiegh

Mallace Pallace: Mallah Gyorsgerkieh

Islam: Islomaeh

I am lost: Egh cogietiaeh sogh.

Slow down please: Reigh.

I only speak a little bit of Garlian: Egh soriegleih Garlianherh paukieteh loscateteh.

It's a contradiction: Konstagietzeh veh sogieh.


As mentioned above (but maybe didn't mention, I'm not sure), there are only two declensions of nouns in Garlian. These two declensions are based on gender. The first declension is female, while the second declension is male. There is no neuter declension.

Garlian uses all of the basic fundamentals of nouns in an inflicted language (nominative, accusative, genitive, etc.), while also adding a unique, very complex form called "contradictive".

Here is the first declension (female):

Form Singular Plural
Nominative -ah -aih
Genitive -aeh -aieh
Dative -ayh -aiyh
Accusative -arh -airh
Ablative -aoeh -aioeh
Vocative -aoh -aioh
Contradictive -aelh -aieh

Here is the second declension (male):

Form Singular Plural
Nominative -eh -eih
Genitive -eah -eiah
Dative -eyh -eiyh
Accusative -erh -eirh
Ablative -eoah -eioah
Vocative -eoh -eioh
Contradictive -ealh -eialh


Some common practices of Garlandism include transcendental meditation, spiritual cleansing, and journies into one's soul to gain a better understanding of their view of life and acknowledgement. In Garlandism, it is accepted that the five Ideologies of Truth of the Universe - politics, arts, sciences, religions, and philosophies - should never coincide and intermix their practices. For all folowers of Garlandism, small meditation shrines called "Jerems" are set up in all Garlandist communities, and during meditation, a red robe called an "Iah" is worn around one's body.

Whenever a new member joins the Garlandist Order, he/she must add an "h" on to the end of their first and last names.

Four Pillars of Garlandism

The Four Pillars of Garlandism are a set of guidelines established by founder Jeremh Garlandh to help the followers of Garlandism into achieving a perfect understanding of the universe.

  1. To have a perfect Understanding of the Universe, one must first find Peace of Mind
  2. To find Peace of Mind, one must first perfectly see both sides of every Contradiction
  3. To perfectly see both sides of every Contradiction, one must first accept Life
  4. To accept Life, one must first have a perfect Understanding of the Universe


  • Founder of the Garlandist Chapter Proktor Jeremh Garlandh
  • Father of the Garlandist Chapter Elektor Davh Hookwrh
  • Brother of the Garlandist Chapter Mentor Jakh Golwrekh
  • Brother of the Garlandist Chapter Mentor Andrh Mallah
  • Brother of the Garlandist Chapter Mentor Benjamh Macmrh
  • Brother of the Garlandist Chapter Student Mateh Blasth
  • Sister of the Garlandist Chapter Student Bobh Moonh (WARNING: also a Hermitist)
  • Lowly of the Garlandist Chapter Jerem-tender Lawreh Dagh
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