User blog:ZoomerStrife/I Have a Meme

hi

Worship


It is a new day in Phoenix, AZ, especially for a sexy young man known as Zoomer A. Strife. Zoomer emerges from backstage in a massive stadium to greet a crowd of thousands of red-white-and blue-blooded America-loving shirtless fans. He is followed by Governor Mallace and Lieutenant Governor Gunfish, both once shining stars who have today collapsed into the black hole of irrelevance. That's right, hoe, this narrator knows his astronomy. Anyway...

As the dashing Zoomer emerges into the glow of the sun, his handsome features are illuminated. Covering his 6-foot-2 frame is a four-thousand dollar Waglin' Klein emerald green suit, the smooth color accentuating his striking hazel eyes. As he draws closer to the grand podium, a warm Arizona breeze blows across the stadium, causing his lustrous brown hair to flow in the wind. Mmm...

(unintelligible screaming) 

Dammit, Gold, I'll let you out in a few days!

Anyways, the newly elected member of the Governor's cabinet reaches the podium and looks down below to greet the thousands of young, middle-aged, and elderly Arizona citizens who have traveled parsecs just for a chance to lay eyes on the young star. He greets the rabid fans with a friendly wave and a stunning smile unlike those of other politicians like Senator McKagan.

After one final, graceful "thank you", he taps the microphone and, at once, the crowd is silenced.

He begins to speak his wisdom...

I Have a Meme
Governor Mallace, Lieutenant Governor Gunfish, First Lady Miss Telltale, my beloved rich hot ASU girls, and my dear Arizonans...

We observe today not a victory of party, nor a celebration of freedom, but an affirmation that I am a damn badass --- symbolizing not only an end, but a beginning, but mostly an end, though: the end of untilled Arizonan soil, of Miss Telltale's virginity, and, above all, of those pesky liberals on your lawns.

The world is very different now than it was on March 10, 2010. For Arizonans now hold in their hands two things: in their left, an asscheek, in their right, another asscheek. And yet the same values for which Arizonans fought in 1912 are still in dispute around the state. A century and a quotah ago, buff hot men struggled to protect their meth labs from intrusive government with their tiny swords, but I will assure you that changes today. Now you can have tiny guns!

I would like to share with you a retelling of one of the most defining moments in American history. In the 1700s, I think it was, William Henry Harrison gave a speech in Washington, D.C. Then he dropped dead! Like, he ate the fucking floor! It's like, he saw all those damn commies, and was just like: "peace out bitches"! Really inspiring stuff. I mean, I don't even know where I'd be without knowing that. Just kidding, I know I'd be still be rich. Anyways, I'd like to affirm that I have a vision in which caring for the less fortunate, people being more important than greed, and an honest government are nonexistent concepts. Let me share this vision with you.

I HAVE A MEME in which the mythical upper-class white man will shatter the shackles of oppression, and be able to step into a Chipotle without being stared at!

I HAVE A MEME in which President Smallnuts will stop taxing us at a fraction of a percent higher so someone somewhere has sufficient food to eat! That money is for our tractors, dammit!

I HAVE A MEME in which El General Samito's vision of communism is dispelled from that horrid ass-backwards country just south of our borders so that we can enjoy the delicacy that are tacos! Until we have to shit them out, anyway!

I HAVE A MEME in which Arizonans grow the finest damn tumbleweeds! I'm talking about coarse, master-race-white, tangled-ass tumbleweeds! In essence, they will be like the hairs on Senator McKagan's derriere!

I HAVE A MEME in which Governor Mallace closes his damn door when he's having an affair with Gunfish! Seriously, guys, I've lost 30 pounds worth of stomach acid!

and, finally, I HAVE A MEME in which our children and our children's children will be judged not by the content of their character or by the goodness of their souls, but by the fatness of their pockets!

Let us all, as Arizonan patriots, unite to achieve this goal our predecessors believed insurmountable!

To the supporters of my slain opponent, know this: Big Brother is going to tear your ass in twain!

To our adversaries across the country, we offer not a pledge, but a request: go fuck yourselves!

and to no one in particular: foa suppa, I er uh, want a potty plattah!

Anyways, yeah, that's pretty much it. You can go home now. If you still have one. Try not to get kidnapped by one of El General Samito's meth dealers! Byezies!

parting message
~ my speech was better than trump's ~