User blog:WaglingtonŒ/The TLOPOnion



"Your #1 source for TLOPO related not-news."

All articles by editor in chief Finn Hamm.



March 11th 2016
Hopeful TLOPO Players Panic as Richard Cannonwalker Announces Plans to Go Full First Order On Everyone's Ass



THE BLACK WARRIOR - The TLOPO "community" was shocked today when former scurvy-ridden Pirate King Richard "Pirate Nazi" Cannonwalker expressed his interest in playing TLOPO, should the project succeed. "I am going to take revenge on every single shitlord who wronged me back in '10," explained the notorious high seas criminal in a drunken Kylo Ren-esque speech. "We're going to finish what the Brethren Court started, that I can tell you. And we're going to do it right this time. We're going to put powdered wigs out of fashion faster than you can say 'I just joined... politics to a whole new level.. tee hee!! lol.'" The remainder of the speech was primarily unintelligible slander involving the sexuality of John Breasly, reports say.

Immediately following the conclusion of Cannonwalker's speech, Lord Andrew Mallace, Chief Generic Important Guy of the East India Trading company, responded to his apparent genocidal threats. "We're very shocked and disappointed by this turn of events," Mallace claims. "Mr. Cannonwalker has, up until this point, maintained a very pacifist stance on foreign policy that made it laughably easy for us to walk all over him. Now that the Brethren Court has adopted a much more aggressive philosophy, we can't guarantee the safety of the Pirate King and everyone he loves."

Tipu Sultan Jarot Decksteel of Some Place in India was also quick to respond. "मैं एक बड़े पैमाने पर उपकरण हूं," was all he said, which, in English, roughly translates to "Richard Cannonwalker? That guy's an asshole. I remember I sent him a camel as a gesture of good will once and he sent it back with a bleached anus. Seriously, the whole thing was bleached. I mean, come on. How did he even get bleach? That shit won't be invented for at least, like, 300 years." Cannonwalker has expressed his interest in invading India as "the first strike in a long-term, coordinated effort to absolutely trash the British Empire and everything it stands for."