Good Cop, Bad Cop, Bob Cop

Play Fans (If for some reason you find this amusing!)

 * 1) Bobby Moon (well I wrote it.... So yeah...)
 * 2) STORMWALKER YEAHH BUDDYY
 * 3) N.R.
 * 4) Lord Cad Bane

Summary of Play
An EITC spy infiltrates the rebel camp on Tortuga! What is the spy looking for? When both Bad Cop ( Bill Plunderbones), and Good Cop (Basil Bridgebane) can't break the suspect, they call in the Bob Cop (Bobby Moon) to assist them!

WARNING
This play is a comedy! If you accept a role, expect to be made fun of for humorous purposes! If you are a reader, reading this play could cause any of the following:


 * 1) Uncontrollable laughter
 * 2) Laughing to death
 * 3) Confusion
 * 4) Awkward facial expressions
 * 5) Emotional scarring for the remainder of your life

Characters
Rebels in Camp:
 * Bad Cop- Bill Plunderbones
 * Good Cop- Basil Bridgebane
 * Bob Cop- Bob Moon
 * EITC Spy- Davy Hookwrecker
 * Rebel 1- Halle
 * Rebel 2- Johnny Sea Slasher
 * Rebel 3- Capt. Lannon
 * Rebel 4- Jack Pistol
 * New Rebel- Jamie the Second

EITC Officers(3) Eitc Extras:
 * Oldtimbers
 * Johnny Coaleaston
 * Jeremiah Garland
 * EITC/Dilusional Squirrel Man- Benjy Macmorgan
 * EITC Guy 2- Stallion
 * EITC Guy 3- Cad Bane
 * EITC Guard 1- Halt
 * EITC Guard 2-


 * Scone-Stealing Whackjob- Edgar Wildrat
 * Possibly more as I get into writing

Scene 1
(all is quiet in the rebel camp on Tortuga. No sounds are heard except a few quiet murmurs and the crackling of several small campfires. Then, a commotion is heard near a tent near the outskirts of the cluster)

Halle: INTRUDER!!! INTRUDER!!

(several other rebels come running to assist. The intruder, wearing dark clothes and a hood is pulled off the wall he is trying to climb)

Sea Slasher: You can't escape, you vile swine!

(The hooded figures hands are tied behind his back with a piece of rope and he is brought into a small brick building. A few rebels are outside the building, talking.)

Halle: You know what we have to do now, right?

Sea Slasher: No, anything but that! I don't have a death wish!

Jamie: What, what are you talking about?

Halle: (with idea): Oh nothing! Nothing! Just go wake up Captain Plunderbones. He needs to interrogate the prisoner!

Jamie: Right away, ma'am!

(Jamie runs off in the direction of Bill Plunderbones' tent)

Sea Slasher: (chuckling) Poor kid, he'll learn soon!

Scene 2
(Jamie arrives at Bill's tent and walks inside. Bill is asleep, snoring loudly, and clutching a red blankie in his fist)

Jamie: (quietly) Umm, Captain Plunderbones, sir? You're needed for an interroga....

(Jamie is cut short because Bill has jumped up, and thrown a dagger. The dagger becomes stuck in a wooden support beam next to Jamie's head)

Bill: DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO WAKE A MAN WHO IS SLEEPING?!

(Bill catches Jamie staring at his blankie)

Bill: IT'S A HANKERCHIEF!!

(Jamie sprints from the tent in terror! Bill slips on his jacket and hat, muttering about being woken up. Bill walks out of his tent to an equally large tent nearby and enters.)

Bill: Wake up Basil! An intruder has been caught on the premises! We are needed in interrogation, considering we are some of the best.

Basil: The typical routine I'm guessing? Good cop, Bad cop?

Bill: Of course!

(Bill and Basil walk to the small brick building and enter through the single door. This building only contains one room. The walls are white, there are no windows. The only furniture is an old wooden chair, which the hooded man is tied to.)

Scene 3
Bill: Hello my slippery friend. And just who might you be?

(Bill pulls off the spy's hood and slaps him across the face)

Basil: Bill! You should not treat our guest that way!

(Basil turns toward the spy)

Basil: Would you like some apple juice? Maybe a cookie? Or a scone? What actually is a scone? Does anyone know?

Bill: Basil! Focus! The questioning!

Davy: Frankly, I like that one much better.

(Davy nods toward Basil. Bill ignores the comment and continues.)

Bill: Let's start off simple, dirtbag. What is your name?

Davy: I am a pirate! A rebel! I was hoping to join you!

Basil: (sweetly) Come on, we both know that's not true.

Bill: STOP LYING YOU SCUM!

Davy: I speak the truth, so I refuse to talk any more if you don't believe me.

(Bill and Basil leave the building, closing the door behind them. Two rebels are outside waiting for them.)

Lannon: So, who is he?

Sea Slasher: My bet's on Navy!

Lannon: No, it's definitely Black Guard!

Sea Slasher: Twenty-Five gold?

Lannon: You're on, Slasher!

Bill: (Angrily) We didn't break him...

Basil: We MUST find out who he works for! The entire camp could be in danger!

Bill: Well, there is ONE option.... But after what happened last time....

Basil: She cut off his finger!

Bill: Yes, but she's all we have left. Send for her. But send the new guy.

(Bill chuckles. Basil sends Jamie to retrieve Bobby Moon)

Scene 4
(Jamie walks gingerly up to the large tent of Bobby Moon and enters. He doesn't see Moon.)

Jamie: Captain Moon?

(Moon drops from the ceiling and lands silently behind Jamie.)

Bob: (whispering in Jamie's ear) I heard you coming.

(Jamie jumps a foot in the air and reaches for his dagger, which isn't there. Moon is twirling the dagger in her fingers.)

Bob: So what do ya want, noob?

Jamie: (regaining his composure, sounding angry at Moon's comment) You've been called to the interrogation building. There is a DIFFICULT prisoner.

(Jamie turns back around and Moon is gone)

Jamie: (to himself) What have I gotten myself into?

(Moon approaches the interrogation building, meeting basil and bill.)

Bob: What are we dealing with?

Basil: Captured prisoner trying to climb over the wall. He's suspected EITC or navy.

Bob: I see.

Bill: Now we want him in one piece when you're done.

Bob: No promises!

(Moon grins as she reaches for the door knob and enters the building.)

Bob: So what's your name, scum?

(Davy ignores the question)

Davy: I've already met good cop and bad cop. What does that make you, love?

Bob: I'm the Bob cop. And I don't play by the rules.

(Bill and Basil are waiting outside when all of a sudden they hear the crashing of furniture, breaking class, and Davy screaming of fright. Then, there is silence. Moon walks casually out of the building, closing the door behind her.)

Bob: His name is Davy Hookwrecker, he works for the EITC Black Guard, he was sent to discover any attack plans and battle secrets or assassinate our leaders if possible, he is of elven decent, and his favorite color is apple red.

(Bill and Basil stand with dumbstruck expressions 0_o)

Scene 5
(Bill looks towards a nearby group of rebels)

Bill: Mr. Pistol! There is a prisoner that needs to be transported to the cell block, please escort him!

Jack: Sure thing, Billiam!

Bill: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME THAT?! It is Bill, or Mr. Plunderbones!!

(Jack starts tearing up)

Jack: I'M SORRY!!!!

(Jack begins histerically crying)

Bill: Wait! Don't cry! Do you need a hug?

Jack: (pause) YES!!!!

(Bill and Jack hug)

Bill: (sweetly) Now Jack, will you PLEASE go escort the prisoner to the cell block?

(Jack suddenly stops crying)

Jack: Sure thing, Billiam!

(Jack is yelled at again, the cycle continues for a good 10-15 minutes, until Bill walks away in frustration)

Jack: (shouting back at Bill) Good chat!

(Jack enters the iterrogation building to see the entire room trashed and Davy curled up in a ball in the corner, rocking back and forth)

Jack: The Bob Cop?

(Davy nervously nods. Jack grabs Davy's shoulders and guides him out the door, across the camp to a larger building. Inside are rows of cells, most being empty. Davy is put inside a cell that is unoccupied.)

Jack: Here you are, home sweet home.

Davy: You can't just leave me here! I have money, I can pay!

Jack: I don't take bribes. Maybe this place will be good for you! Three meals a day, mostly scraps, but you don't have to work for it!

Davy: (With annoyed expression) Lucky me....

Scene 6
(Basil is whistling on the way to his tent before the war meeting.)

Basil: (To himself) Just enough time for a delicious scone before the meeting starts! Mother's new batch must have arrived by now!

(Basil enters his tent to see a package torn open and crumbs scattered along the table)

Basil: A scone theif!!!! Curse you villain with good taste of dessert items!!!

(Basil steps outside his tent just in time to see the sun rising in the east. He suddenly notices a looming shadow behind him. He whips around to see a large man with war paint on his face, wearing a feathered headdress, munching on a scone... )

Basil: YOU!!!!

(The strange man bellows a loud battle cry, while shaking his sharp, wooden spear in the air. Then, he quickly runs away. Basil quickly pursues him.)

Basil: STOP!! FIEND!!

(Basil loses the scone-stealing whackjob around a corner but bumps into Jamie)

Basil: Jamie! Have a message sent to my mother! I require additional scones!

(Jamie gives Basil and odd look and then goes to complete the task.)

Scene 7
(About 30 rebels are all gathered around a large banquet table inside a large tent. Everyone is yelling and no words can be understood among the noise. Bill takes his pistol out of his belt and fires it into the air, blowing a hole in the top of the tent. The tent goes completely silent and everyone freezes in their tracks.)

Bill: QUIET!! We must find a solution to this apparent problem!

(Basil enters, running.)

Basil: There is a a scone thief on the loose!!

Jack: That is the apparent problem? I though the problem was that an EITC spy had entered our camp and our location may be known to our biggest enemies, making an impending attack inevitable! Wow, I was WAY off!

Bill: Of course that's the problem! Basil, stop interrupting with your personal food theft issues! Now what are we going to do about it?!

Bob: WELL, we could set fire to their offices and then load the doorways with grenades.... OR we could send a spy into THEIR organization, learning THEIR secrets and THEN we can load their offices with grenades.....

Sea Slasher: Moon, do you have any plans NOT involving grenades?

Bob: Nope!

Basil: I have a plan! We could raid their castles and steal all their scones!! That will teach them to mess with us!

(Everyone looks at Basil with a look saying, "Wow that's a lame plan..")

Bill: Well we could combine all these ideas...

Halle: How so?

Bill: Well, we could send a spy into their organization, using information from Davy to find them. After we're inside, our informant can give us information and we can plan an attack involving grenades. If we win, we can celebrate with a scone feast!

Bob: As long as grenades are involved, I'm in!

Basil: SCONE FEAST!!! 0_0

Halle: I think Basil's in....

Sea Slasher: So it's settled.

Jack: But wait, who's going to be OUR spy?

(Moon suddenly has an evil grin on her face.)

Scene 1
(A woman with jet-black, extremely curly, hair walks out of a tent. She is wearing a long blue jacket, and royal blue dress. She is walking semi-awkwardly in silver high-heels. This woman slightly resembles Bobby Moon. She approaches Bill and Basil who don't seem to recognize her.)

Bob: (in British accent) Excuse me, gentlemen, but would you mind directing me to the loo?

(Moon bats her eyelashes)

Bill: Are you lost? Clearly British in a pirate camp!

Basil: (Will eager eyes) Would you possibly have some scones on your person?

Bob: (Still using accent) As a matter of fact, yes I do, Sir!

(Moon pulls a bag of scones from her silver purse and hands them to Basil. Suddenly, a battle cry is heard, approaching. The scone-stealing whackjob appears, falling from the sky, grabs the scones, and runs away!)

SSWJ: LOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!!!!

(Moon, Bill, and Basil all stand there frozen with confused expressions.)

Basil: Scone thief!!!!

(Bill pushes Basil out of the way.)

Bill: ANYWAY, where did you come from? Are you some kind of distraction before an attack?!

(Bill, with a crazy look in his eyes, fires his pistol into the air at random! A large goose falls from the sky and hits a random bystander in the face.)

Bob: (In normal voice) It's me, Einstein!

Bill: (With realization) OHHHH! YOU!! This just might work...

Scene 2
(A large, stone fortress can be seen. The EITC flag is flown below the flag of Britain on the top of many towers. There are two guards posted outside the main gate. Moon walks casually up to them, like she is completely supposed to be there.)

Bob: (To one guard in a flawless British accent) Why haven't you already opened this gate?! Do I have to go complain to the king about the poor service?!

Halt: Umm, who exactly are you?

Bob: (With accent) Who am I? Who AM I?! YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ASKING THE BLOODY KING WHO HE IS! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

(Both guards stare with surprised looks.)

Bob: (With accent) I am Lady....

(Moon freezes momentarily until spotting a fountain with blue fish spitting water, inside the gate.)

Bob: (With accent) I am Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales and I demand to be let pass!

(Halt only partially believes the story, but doesn't want to look foolish for denying a Lady of Wales entry, so he reluctantly opens the gate.)

Bob: It IS so hard to find good help.

(Moon struts through the gate.)

Bob: (Under breath in normal voice) Idiot.

(Moon enters the fortress, into a large, extravagant foyer. She then realizes she has no idea where she's going!)

Bob: (Thinking) Bob Moon motto #346, when in doubt, make a scene.

(Moon walks into the center of the foyer, directly under a large skylight.)

Bob: (In accent) WHERE IS THE OFFICE OF THE MAN WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THIS MOMENT?!

(Everyone freezes and looks confused as to why there is a British chick screaming.)

Stallion: (Nervously, in fear of being screamed at) That would be Lord Goldtimbers, Ma'am... But only certain authorized people may speak to....

(Stallion is cut off by Moon's screaming.)

Bob: (in accent) Authorized people? AUTHORIZED PEOPLE?! I AM A LADY OF ENGLAND, IS THAT NOT "AUTHORIZED" ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Stallion: (Nervously) Oh, I wasn't aware! Of course it is, Ma'am! Right this way!

(Stallion guides Moon down a long hallway, and up an elegant, spiral staircase. Upstairs, at the end of another long corridor is a black door with a gold plate on it. The plate reads, "Lord Johnny Goldtimbers.")

Stallion: (Nervously) And here we are! (Hand reaching for door) I shall knock for you, to announce your arrival.

Bob: (Smacking his hand from the door, speaking in accent) NO! I shall take it from here!

(Stallion walks quickly away, relieved to be away from the crazy lady. Moon reaches for the doorknob.)

Scene 3
The room that Moon enters is very elegant, with a wooden desk, and numerous filing cabinets. In the back corner of the room there is a doorway into a secondary area, that snoring can be heard from.)

Bob: (Thinking) Where to begin, where to begin?)

(Moon takes a step, and her high heels make a loud 'clink' on the marble floor. She freezes and listens for the snoring; She can still hear it. She takes off the heels and continues searching. She finds a letter with and official looking seal, and slips it into an added pocket on the inside hem of her dress. Nothing else is of interest, so Moon tip-toes into the other room. A sleeping old man, probably around 80 years old, is on a red couch by the window.)

Bob: (Thinking) The EITC officers, hard at work everyday!

(She smirks. Then, she spots it, an official looking filimg cabinet next to the fireplace. The only thing between her and the documents inside is a small, golden lock. She walks back into the main room, and begins rustling through the desk to find the key.)

Bob: (Thinking) Come on, it's gotta be here somewhere!

(While rummaging through the drawers, Moon accidentally knocks over a glass paperweight and it shatter on the floor. Moon closes her eyes, waiting for the yelling to begin, but the snoring is still heard. She sighs of relief.)

Bob: (Thinking) That was close!

(Then, the main door opens and an EITC member bursts in. The man looks disheveled and has a crazy look in his eyes.)

Benjy: What is the commotion in HERE?! (Holding out hand) Walnut?

(Before Moon can answer, Benjy shoves all of the walnuts into his mouth, laughing insanely.)

Benjy: Anyway, what was that sudden ruckus?!

(While the entire conversation continues, Benjy is periodically shoveling walnuts into his mouth.)

Bob: (In accent) I was just coming to talk to Lord Goldtimbers about the poor guard service, but considering his current..... Unconscious state, I was going to leave him a note. I was just looking for a quil when I knocked over this glass-contraption.... Thing.

Benjy: Well isn't that a predicament?

(Benjy laughs evilly and throws a walnut that hits Moon in the face. It takes all of her self control not to shove those walnuts down Benjy's throat. Then, a group of EITC soldiers bursts in.)

Coaleaston: Benjamin! Who let you out of the asylum?!

(Benjy has a terrified look in his eyes.)

Benjy: You can't prove anything!!!!

(Benjy runs across the room and crashes through the window, jumping and clinging onto a nearby tree.)

Benjy: You'll never take me alive!!!!

(Benjy throws bundles of walnuts at the occupants of the room.)

Coaleaston: After him!

(The guards run out the door towards the stairs in pursuit of the crazy squirrel man.)

Scene 4
Coaleaston: I'm sorry for the commotion, Madame. Is there anything I could assist you with?

(Moon realizes that she can no longer search the office, since too much attention has been drawn to her. She decides that she needs to maintain her cover over all else.)

Bob: (In accent) I am Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales, and I was here visiting, but then came to the decision that I must inform the lord in charge of the poor guard service!

Coaleaston: Of course, Lady Blueferfauntoon! I shall wake Lord Goldtimbers for you!

Bob: (In accent) It's Lady Bluefishfoutain....

Coaleaston: Of course, that's what I said.

(Coaleaston walks into the back room and whispers in Goldtimbers' ear.)

Coaleaston: (Whispering) Wakey, wakey, Lord Goldtimbers...

(Oldtimbers jumps awake and hits Coaleaston with his cane out of fright.)

Oldtimbers: DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO SCREAM IN A MAN'S EAR WHEN HE'S SLEEPING?!

(Moon chuckles at the irony; Oldtimbers didn't wake up when the windows were breaking and paperweights were shattering, but a whisper scares him.)

Coaleaston: Err, Lord Goldtimbers, Lady Bluefishfoutain of Wales is here to discuss our security.

Oldtimbers: Sure, yes, I am available to talk!

(Both Oldtimbers and Coaleaston walk into the main room.)

Coaleaston: I must go check on the progress of recapturing Benjamin. (Turning toward Moon) It was a pleasure meeting you, Madame.

Bob: (In accent) Likewise.

(Coaleaston exits the room.)

Oldtimbers: So what about our security?

Bob: (In accent) One of the guards at the main gate almost would not let me enter.... ME; A LADY OF WALES!

Oldtimbers: Well we of course will correctly fix the problem, and the guard will be punished! Two weeks, hanging by his thumbs in the dungeon should straighten him out!

(Oldtimbers cackles.)

Bob: (Thinking) And they call US pirates!

Oldtimbers: Well if that's a you wanted to discuss, you should probably be going now, I am a very busy man!

Bob: (In accent) Well SIR, weren't you just napping a few moments ago?

Oldtimbers: Like I said, VERY busy!

(Moon knows that she must stay in the room as long as possible for additional snooping.)

Bob: (In accent) WELL, I also wanted to talk to you about..... Your cane! I mean, it's so... Elegant! Wherever did you get it?

Oldtimbers: Well it IS a delightfully interesting story! It all started when I was a young boy....

(Oldtimbers is interrupted by a loud knock at the door.)

Oldtimbers: ENTER!!!

(Coaleaston enters.)

Coaleaston: Sir, we have a problem.

Oldtimbers: Out with it! Did Benjamin fill the kitchen cupboards with walnuts again?

Coaleaston: No sir, it's just that...

(A woman with dark brown hair and a golden dress enters.)

Coaleaston: THIS is Lady Bluefishfountain of Wales....

Scene 5
Bob: What the brig?! There's a REAL Lady Bluefishfountain of Wales? I mean..... (In accent) Cheerio!

(Coaleaston draws his pistol.)

Coaleaston: Who are you, lass?

Bob: (In accent) Pip pip?

Oldtimbers: Coaleaston, lower your weapon! We need her alive for questioning!

Coaleaston: Very well, sir.

(Coaleaston shoots Moon with a tranquilizer dart instead. Moon begins to sway and collapses.)

Bob: (Groggily) Bloody 'ell

(When Moon awakes, she is shackled to a chair and in a cold, stone room. There are a few rats scurrying around the floor, and the smell of decay radiates throughout the room.)

Bob: (To self) The EITC's hospitality amazes me.

(The door opens and Jeremiah Garland enters.)

Garland: A pirate I presume?

(Moon remains silent.)

Garland: Not talking, eh?

(Moon spits and the saliva lands right between Garland's eyes.)

Garland: You swine!

(Garland draws his EITC issue sword.)

Bob: I don't think so. Needed alive, remember?

(Garland, with an angry expression, reholsters his weapon.)

Garland: So who do you work for?!

Bob: I work for myself, Garlic Bread.

Garland: DISRESPECT! I WILL HAVE YOU HANGED!

Bob: Do it, coward.

Garland: Your cheeky attitude will cause you your life. Your end will come at sunrise tomorrow morning.

Bob: (With mischevious laugh) Looking forward to it!

(Garland walks out the door and signals to a pair of guards.)

Garland: Take her away!!

(The two guards grab Moon by the forearms.)

Bob: Sorry bout this, mates.

Guard 2: Quiet, prisoner!

(Moon quickly elbows both guards in the stomach and attempts to escape out the door, but about twenty guards are waiting. The men are all holding muskets, bayonets trained on the door.)

Halt: FREEZE!

Bob: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill..

(This time, ten guards are assigned to escort Moon to prison, to await her hanging.)

Scene 6
(We are back in the rebel camp. A group of pirates are gathered in the meeting tent. Halle enters.)

Halle: Is Moon back?

Sea Slasher: Nope, and she should have returned with our itell by now! It's almost sunset!

Pistol: Maybe she bailed? We haven't been involved in many successful battles lately, and I always sensed that it angered her......

(Bill comes out of nowhere and slaps Jack across the face!)

Bill: How dare you Ben say that! Without her we wouldn't even have cracked our prisoner!

Jack: (With head down) Sorry, Billiam...

Bill: What did I tell you about CALLING ME THAT!?!!

Jack: Sorry, Captain Billiam....

Bill: JACK!!!!

(Both Bill and Jack exit the tent, still arguing.)

Sea Slasher: She'll turn up, I know she will.

Halle: You're right, Moon can take care of herself...

(Basil enters the tent.)

Basil: Any updates?

Halle: No, Moon hasn't sent any word on her whereabouts.

Basil: I already knew that! I was talking about the arrival of my scones!

(Suddenly, Jamie comes sprinting in with a package.)

Jamie: Basil, sir, your dessert has arrived!)

Basil: Shhhhh!! (Whispering) Not so loud... You don't know what kind of food stealers could be listening....

Sea Slasher: (To Halle) I think he's gone bonkers. All those scones are going to his head!

Halle: I agree...

(As Basil is opening the box, he is tapped on the shoulder from behind. He slightly turns.)

Basil: If you don't mind, I am doing something important here!

(Basil turns fully around and comes face to face with the scone-stealing whackjob.)

SSWJ: LOOLOOLOOLOOLOO!!!!

(The scone-stealing whackjob grabs the scones and runs out of the tent.)

Basil: STOP!!! COME BACK!! MY SCONES!!

(Halle, Jamie, and Sea Slasher stand blinking with dumbstruck expressions.)

Jamie: Did you guys see the dude in the headdress too?

(Halle and Sea Slasher nod with wide- eyed expressions.)