User blog:Parax./Play

This is a play, just like "Mystery of the Stolen Design" or "Murder on Everglade Alley". HOWEVER, I need a title. Post ideas in the comments.

Scene 1
''Several men have arrived onto an island. This island is meant for training people into soldiers of the Navy and Black Guard. They are currently getting their hair prepared and their heads are being sized for their wigs.''

''The men have entered a room filled with bunk beds, all lined up. A man in black clothes and an intimidating skull tatto is standing in front of the line, marching from each end of it to the other.''

Hermit: Good morning, maggots. I am Hermit, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "sir". Do you maggots understand that? Everyone: Sir, yes sir! Hermit: I can't hear you! Sound of like you got a pair! Everyone: SIR, YES SIR!! Hermit: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon; you will be a minister of death praying for war. But until then, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth! You're not even human beings! You're nothing but unorganized, grabasstic, pieces of amphibian  CENSORED ! Because I am hard, you will not like me, but the more you hate me, the more you will learn! I am hard, but I am fair. There is no bigotry here! I do not look down on redheads, blondes, blackheads, cannibals, non-cannibals, hobos, royalty, or anything along those lines; here you are ALL equally worthless, and my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in the beloved Navy! Do you maggots understand that? Everyone: Sir, yes sir! Hermit: I can't hear you! Everyone: SIR, YES SIR!!

Hermit walks up to one of the darker recruits.

Hermit: What's your name, scumbag? John White: SIR, PRIVATE WHITE, SIR! Hermit: BULL! From now on, you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?! Snowball: SIR, YES SIR!! Hermit: Well, here is one thing you won't like, Private Snowball; they don't serve crumpets and watermelons at the cafeteria on a daily basis! Snowball: SIR, YES SIR!!! Joking Recruit: That you, John Wayne? Is this me? Hermit: (marching to the other end of the line) Who said that?! WHO THE FOOT SAID THAT?! WHO'S THE SLIMEY LITTLE PARADOX, TWINKLE-TOED FRUITSEED WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH WARRENT?!

Silence

Hermit: Nobody, huh? The Fairy-flipping-Godmother said it! I'm flipping standing, I'll PT You all 'till you freaking DIE! (grabbing a recruit next to the joking recruit) Was it you, you scroungy little rat?! Recruit: Sir, no sir! Hermit: You piece of sheep dip, you look like a freaking worm! I bet it was you! Recruit: SIR, NO SIR! Joking Recruit: SIR, I SAID IT, SIR! Hermit: (walking over to the joking recruit) Well, no dip. What have we got here? A comedian? You are now Private Jokester! I admire your honesty, Jokester; you can come over to my house and date my sister, but she's probably too old for your taste!

Hermit knees Jokester in the groin, and he falls on his knees.

Hermit: You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry! You will learn by the numbers, I'll teach you! Now get up, ON YOUR FEET!

Jokester slowly gets back on his feet.

Hermit: You had best fix yourself up or I will UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND ''' CENSORED down your neck! Jokester: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: Private Jokester, why did you join my beloved Navy? Jokester: SIR, TO KILL SIR! Hermit: So you're a killer?! Jokester: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: Show me your war face!

Jokester makes a barely threatening glare.

Hermit: You got a war face? (glares menacingly)AAAAAAH!!!!! THAT'S a war face, now lemme see your war face! Jokester: (glares slightly more threateningly than last time)AAAAAAAAH! Hermit: BULL! I'm still not convinced!

Jokester tries again.

Hermit: BULL! I'm still not convinced! Work on it (walks over to the next guy)

''While Hermit starts terrorizing the other recruit, another one on the other side of the room, Private Jack Smith, starts feeling sick. He is clearly terrified of Hermit.

Hermit: What's your height, Private?! Recruit: SIR, 6'2'', SIR! Hermit: 6'2, I didn't know they stacked crap that high!

Jack finally vomits when Hermit suddenly turns in his direction.