The Adventures of the Grammar S.S. - Episode One

The Adventures of the Grammar S.S. is a series of short stories following the many grammatic ordeals the Grammar S.S. must overcome. They are mainly for humorous and/or entertainment purposes. This is Episode One.

Chapter I
'Twas another normal day. The Grammar S.S. was busy in their annex, located high in the Alpine Mountains of Bavaria. Mattolf Grammler, the Führer of the organization, was busy correcting book reports he had stolen; Johannes Breasler, the Kommander of the Gestapo, was training his loyal grammar Gestapo soldiers the right way to correct a run-on sentence; Jeremia Girlande, the Minister of Propaganda, was yelling at some girl scouts selling cookies at the door, simply because they used too many pronouns; and Johanne "Hai" Turnier, one of the S.S.'s top hitmen, was busy tormenting a grammar gesetzlosen being held in the detainment cells.

All seemed quite, when suddenly the annex door burst open. Standing in its place was a horrified Andric Bosheit, the S.S.'s Kommander of the Luftwaffe. Everybody in the annex stopped what they were doing to turn to Andric.

"Andric, lad, what's gotten into you?" asked Johannes Breasler with concern.

"Bad news,"replied Andric, slightly pausing, "We have a code-red alpha niner-niner..."

The whole annex gasped and soon fell into a state of panic. For about a minute various members ran wrecklessly through the annex, knocking over shelves of paper and tumbling over tables or each other. Then, finally it was Mattolf Grammler who returned order with a raise of his hand.

"Enough!" he shouted so load the whole building shook, "Are we to act like this? Like mindless fools?"

Everybody paused, ashamed, and looked at the Führer with heads half bent. He continued in a booming voice:

"We must do our duty! We are the Grammar S.S.!"

He looked around, and the men were still not amused. Jeremia Girlande stepped forward sheepishly.

"But Mattolf," he said, "Did you not hear Andric? It's a code-red alpha niner-niner. How can we possibly -"

"It does not matter!" said Mattolf cutting Jeremia off. He then turned to everyone's prying eyes.

"Gentlemen! This is not how the Grammar S.S. acts! It is our duty to do these things! Now, are we to cower here, or go do what we must?"

Still, the annex was silent and not an iota of enthusiasm filled any man's spirit. Mattolf sighed, and then resorted to his final option.

"Alright you stubborn lot... If we complete this mission I'll take you all to get some fleischpflanzerl, on me."

Upon these words, the whole room exploded with enthusiasm, each man cheering louder than the next, and spirits set to dine on some delicious fleischpflanzerl.

Chapter II
After the joyous excitement and cheers of encouragment had subsided, the group met at their planning table to discuss a strategy and analyze the situation.

"Alright," said Andric, "well, I was at a tavern in England just last week, for it was my niece's birthday and I wished dearly to treat her to a meal, as her mum was ill and her father was attending a funeral. But I'll tell you, this tavern had the greatest fish'n'chips. And I mean the best! Never have I had anything like it! However, I must say the scones and crumpets were a safe five-and-a-half out of ten, and meanwhile the tea was rather on the bland side. As for the interior decor, it lacked the true charisma I was hoping for from a place such as that, so it was rather -"

"ANDRIC!" shouted the other members in unison at their rambling friend.

"Err... My apologizes mates," said an embarrassed Andric, "Anyways, I was sitting at a table in said tavern... A booth seat I believe... with an outside view... right next to the flowerbeds which had the most beautiful azaleas I had ever - " Andric looked up to see Johannes, peering at him angrily.

"Err, sorry again... Anyways, I was sitting there, admiring the decor, when a young lad approached my table. My niece had gone off to relieve herself, only leaving myself and the young man. He held in his hand parchments of paper, and soon enough handed them to me. 'What are these?' I said to the young stranger. He replied by saying he was a traveling poet, from Leeds, and he wished for me to read over his work on hopes that he may receive critique." said Andric. The rest of the members waited for him to continue.

"And?" they said, "Did you read them?"

Andric replied, "Oh, I read them alright. I nearly parished right then and there because of the amount of grammar mistakes he had! Why, I felt like running the lad through, but to my chagrin, he had already scurried off! So then I got up out of my seat, left a note addressed to my niece explaining why I could not stay, dropped a hand-ful of schillings on the table, chugged down the remainder of my ale, and hurried back here!"

With the story finished, it was Jeremia that then leaned forward, and spoke.

"Well? Do you have his writings with you?"

Andric silently reached into his man-purse, and pulled out a packet of neatly folded papers. He unfolded them, and handed them to Jeremia to read.

"Read at your own risk," warned Andric, "It gets really bad around the third of fourth paragraph."

Everybody watched as Jeremia scanned the first page, looking for any grammar mistakes. As he read, he spoke:

"Well this isn't that bad! A couple tweeks, and it could be - "

Jeremia paused, speechless. His eyes, still glued to the paper, widened and he collapsed backwards onto the chair.

"Yup." said Andric, "He made it to the third of fourth paragraph."

All the members sitting at the table looked down at Jeremia, who was now unconscious. Johannes and Johanne knelt down in an attempt to waken Jeremia, but to no avail. Then Mattolf stood.

"We need to go to England," he declared, "And find this grammar gesetzlosen! He's too dangerous to roam the countryside, with grammar like that!"

Just then, he paused. Johannes and Johanne stood up and looked at Mattolf. Johannes stepped forward.

"It's too dangerous," he said, "We can't all go at once... We need a spy to go first and find him, otherwise we'll all get lost. But who?"

The members in the room stood, finger on chin, pondering. Just the, Johanne, who had remained silent this entire time, stepped forward.

"Send me," he said determinedly.

Mattolf replied: "Very well. You have seventy-two hours, and then we are coming after you."

The plan now in order, the group returned to the annex, with Andric and Johannes carrying Jeremia. They immediatly began to ready their personal effects for their new mission.

Chapter III
To be continued!