Pierre le Porc

His really long life story. If you don't have a sense of humor, stop reading now. No wait. NOW!
Pierre le Porc was born on July 4, 1776. His given name at birth was Pierre Fransisco Solomon de Sloth Burrito Taco Frank Oscar Weinermobile Brian Frog Frenchy McFrenchFrench le Porc VII, but during childhood, all of Pierre's friends (aka his goldfish) called him Porky. His favorite hobbies were sleeping, eating, eating and sleeping, sleeping and eating, eating then sleeping, drinking, sleeping eating then drinking, drinkin while eating and sleeping, drinking eating and sleeping all at the same time, and taking bubble baths. Very, very, very long bubble baths. One day, Pierre ate a little too much and drank a little too much and fell asleep a little too much. Since he was thinking about that burger he had just ate, he started sleepwalking. He slept walked off the boat, into the water, and onto a random island. He suddenly woke up and had a craving for a burger. But there were none to be found. So he pulled out his telescope out of his handy-dandy magic pocket (which he had stolen borrowed from Dumbledore Link, and saw a quite an astonishing sight. There was a dude, eating a burger! So he yelled really loudly for a burger. No answer. He then vowed revenge and started fighting the Spanish dude for burgers. And that is how the War of 1812 began. Any questions? -children all twitching- No. Good. NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!